Chuuya: Shut Up!

Dazai, who had a sex dream about Chuuya: Drunk ppl do tons of things they don't normally do when their sleeping, like snore and have really weird dreams.

Dazai: Like sex dreams but it doesn't even matter cause dreams don't mean anything.

Chuuya, who also had a sex dream about Dazai: You're right. They don't mean anyhting. You can have a sex dream about someone you're repulsed by irl.

Dazai: Yes, yes exactly. Thank you, Chuuya.

Dazai: You could have a sex dream about, like, me.

Chuuya: But I didn't.

Chuuya: And if I had it would be a sex nightmare cause I hate you.

Dazai: And I hate you too, thank you.

Dazai: My feelings for Chuuya are strictly platonic.

Ango: I see...What color are his eyes?

Dazai: Ocean blue, not in a weird way but in a way your ship can get lost in their waves and you’d never want to escape because it feels like an adventure and discovering new things in life...

Odasaku: Right...

Ango: What color are my eyes?

Dazai: Idk brown? Shut up Ango I'm talking about Chuuya.

*ada!Chuuya au*

Atsushi: I can't tell whether Chuuya joining the ada was a good thing or not...

Atsushi: Because on one hand, I have much less paperwork to do, and Dazai seems much happier and more stable.

Atsushi: On the other hand-

Dazai, through the office door: Fuck yes Chuuya, there, there!

Atsushi: That.

Chuuya: Are you ready to commit?

Dazai: Like, a crime, a suicide or a relationship?

Dazai: How old were you guys when you found out Santa wasn't real?

Atsushi, whispering to Kunikida: How old am I?

Kunikida: You’re 18, Atsushi.

Atsushi, sadly: I was 18.

Chuuya: Osamu, I'm in love with you.

Dazai: I'm sorry, what? Since when?

Chuuya: Idk, it just happened.

Dazai: How? You think I'm annoying.

Chuuya: You are.

Dazai:

Chuuya: It's one of your most endearing qualities.

Yosano: Hey, Dazai, who's your favorite singer or band?

Dazai: I don't really have one.

Yosano: Oh c'mon pretty boy, everyone has one.

Kunikida: It's propably arctic monkeys.

Dazai: Fine. If you really wanna know that bad...it's taylor swift.

Yosano: Who? Gotta speak up.

Dazai: Taylor Swift.

Ranpo: HAH, I KNEW IT! YOU ALL OWE ME FIVE BUCKS.

Dazai: I don't get paid enough to deal with Mori. He describes me as "also gay for girls."

Chuuya: Yuck.

*married skk au where Chuuya is an ada member and he and Dazai brought their child to work*

Dazai: Chibi, we know where the serial killer is. Me and Kunikida will go arrest him. I need you to take the baby.

Chuuya: No, you need to take the baby. I have to go right now.

Dazai: So what do we do???

Chuuya: I guess we can call that creepy babysitter we interviewed this morning.

Dazai: Turned out that babysitter is the serial killer we are looking for.

Chuuya, yelling: Even better! Two birds, one stone. We bring him to you!

Dazai, yelling: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!

Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.

Atsushi: Our info maybe...

Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...

Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.

Atsushi: What???😨

Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...

Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦‍♂️

Chuuya, picking up: What now?

Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.

Chuuya: What

Atsushi: the

Chuuya: fuck

Atsushi: Dazai!

Dazai: Language everyone!