Kunikida: Why Is Dazai Late, Again?

Chuuya: Hey...uh...mackerel...I have something to tell you.

Dazai: Hmm? Yes?

Chuuya: I like guys.

Dazai: *gasps* I knew it!!!

Dazai: So who's the lucky man?

Chuuya: He works in the ada, he used to be in the port mafia, an ability user, funny, good with coming up with plans...and well he can be a big fucking idiot sometimes.

Dazai: Oh- he sounds kinda lame...

Chuuya:

Chuuya: Did I mention idiot?

Dazai, stumbling in through the window of Chuuya's room with a broken red rose in his mouth:

Chuuya, startled: What the fuck are you doing?

Dazai, falling on the floor: I’m trying to be romantic, shut up.

*married skk au where Chuuya is an ada member and he and Dazai brought their child to work*

Dazai: Chibi, we know where the serial killer is. Me and Kunikida will go arrest him. I need you to take the baby.

Chuuya: No, you need to take the baby. I have to go right now.

Dazai: So what do we do???

Chuuya: I guess we can call that creepy babysitter we interviewed this morning.

Dazai: Turned out that babysitter is the serial killer we are looking for.

Chuuya, yelling: Even better! Two birds, one stone. We bring him to you!

Dazai, yelling: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!

Chuuya: Isn't the idea supposed to be "you saved my life, now I owe you a debt?" Dazai: Nope. Other way round. You saved my life, so now I'm your problem. If you don't like it, then kill me. Dazai: God wanted me dead, now you get to find out why.

Atsushi: Dazai, have you ever thought of getting married ?

Dazai: *gay panic* I'm pregnant!

ada: What?

Dazai: It's Chuuya's.

ada: WHAT?

*meanwhile in the pm*

Chuuya, feeling a disturbance in the force: He said something that will get me into trouble, I can feel it!

*playing twister*

Dazai: okay, Akutagawa, right hand red.

Akutagawa: *ends up on top of Atsushi*

Atsushi: wait— Dazai, you're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Dazai: I stopped spinning about 10 turns ago, I'm surprised you didn't notice sooner.

Chuuya: Here's the thing. So I've known for a while now that Dazai has a little crush on me...

Kouyou: A little crush?

Chuuya:

Kouyou: Well, I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.

Chuuya: Yeah, I don't rlly know who they are...and I don't care, so listen...

Chuuya: The point is Dazai isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.

Kouyou: Darling, Dazai isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with...

Dazai: I love you 🥰.

Chuuya: Why should I believe you? All the guys I've dated were dogs.

Dazai:

Chuuya: Well, aren't you gonna say anything?

Dazai:

Dazai: Meow...

Chuuya: Osamu, I'm in love with you.

Dazai: I'm sorry, what? Since when?

Chuuya: Idk, it just happened.

Dazai: How? You think I'm annoying.

Chuuya: You are.

Dazai:

Chuuya: It's one of your most endearing qualities.

Atsushi: Chuuya kissed you?

Dazai, staring woefully out of his window: Aha...

Atsushi: And you said thank you…?

Dazai: Yeah...

Atsushi: Well that was very polite of you.

*meanwhile*

Chuuya: Thank you?!?! WTF DOES THAT MEAN?

Kouyou: He’s stupid Chuuya you know that!