Chuuya: *gets Down On One Knee*

Fyodor: You're dead for that!

Dazai: Do it...

Dazai: Pussy.

Fyodor: I will enjoy this.

Chuuya, getting in the way: Hey, Elsa!

Chuuya: Get your icy hands off my bottom, bitch!

*after that dead apple scene*

Chuuya: We had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

Dazai: Nope, don't remember. Didn't happen.

Atsushi, seeing the cops marching past:

Atsushi, who has done nothing wrong ever: They're coming for me.

Dazai, currently wanted for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes: Yeah, probably.

Chuuya, pointing to his leather pants on the bed: Which one of these bottoms would look the best on me?

Kouyou: Well considering none of them are Dazai I would say none.

Chuuya:

Kouyou:

Chuuya, turning all red: The literal fuck?

Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.

Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.

Chuuya:

Dazai: What do you think it means?

Chuuya:😶

Dazai: I love you 🥰.

Chuuya: Why should I believe you? All the guys I've dated were dogs.

Dazai:

Chuuya: Well, aren't you gonna say anything?

Dazai:

Dazai: Meow...

Dazai: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Chuuya: Wow. They sound stupid.

Dazai: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.

Chuuya: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… "Hey! I love you!"

Dazai: I guess you’re right. Hey Chuuya, I love you.

Chuuya: See! Just say that!

Dazia: Holy fucking shit.

Chuuya: If that flies over their head then, sorry mackerel, but they're too dumb for you.

Dazai:

Dazai: I’m an excellent driver.

Chuuya: You almost ran over a woman by accident.

Dazai, remembering how that woman smiled at Chuuya flirtatious: Ah yes… by accident… yes.

Chuuya: When I have a crush I don't kick my feet or twirl my hair. Chuuya: Instead I am in my kitchen at 3am pacing in circles with my hands clasped behind my back like a middle-aged divorced detective haunted by a cold case he just can't crack.

Chuuya: Here's the thing. So I've known for a while now that Dazai has a little crush on me...

Kouyou: A little crush?

Chuuya:

Kouyou: Well, I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.

Chuuya: Yeah, I don't rlly know who they are...and I don't care, so listen...

Chuuya: The point is Dazai isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.

Kouyou: Darling, Dazai isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with...