Horses Is Always Up There. Weather. Maps. The Post Office. Music.

We’re still in the waiting room. It’s insanely busy. And the tremors are getting worse. Yay for cold and flu season…

Wife and I are at the ER. She’s been having what her neurologist (our neurologist? We see the same guy) think are seizures. She’s been having small tremors off and on since February. We think it was caused by Paxil, which she rapid detoxed from under medical care a few months ago.

Today the whole body tremors/shaking are constant. With all her medical issues, I try to stay positive and strong. We do it for each other.

Hubby is at home getting cleaning done for the plumbing. It’s just another day in our life. It’s weird.

Giving up facial expressions has been amazing.

Ok so im learning some stuff about unmasking as I attempt to do it for the first time ... so I figured I'd share in case it helps anyone :)

My ND traits are a natural part of me, but because they aren't habitual yet, unmasking is a conscious, deliberate choice. Simply having ~knowledge~ about my brain will not help me as much as it could if I acted on it

Many aspects of unmasking (especially stimming) feel super forced and awkward sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm faking! It just means I'm out of practice

I've spent my whole life ignoring or denying my own needs, so the little voice in my brain is very difficult to hear. I miss some cues sometimes

My brain is very much like a little toddler tugging on my sleeve. It constantly approaches me with something to say. Treating the voice with compassion allows me to make a choice that I might otherwise deny my conscious self

When I actually started listening to my brain, I realized that I don't like what it's saying. "It's too bright. It's too loud. You don't want to make facial expressions anymore. You're bored. You're burning out." It makes me feel vulnerable. DO NOT IGNORE THE BRAIN, SUNNY. It is saying something for a reason!!!

Take breaks. Take breaks take breaks take breaks. If I have the option to rest but I'm thinking of powering through ... don't. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Most people genuinely do not care if I stim. They just vibe with it. Some of my friends and my fiancé even think its cute that my joy is so visible, which makes me feel a lot better about it :)

When I actually do stuff that's good for my brain (creating routines, wearing sensory friendly clothes, scheduling alone time) I reap the benefits! Who'd have thunk it

Sleep is like 90% of the battle

Sometimes I get upset, emotional, and scared about unmasking. I'm ultra-conscious of myself. I wonder how I look to other people. BUT! I am learning learn to defend myself from my own ableism in those little quiet moments where I play with a tangle on the bus or slip away to a quiet space

I am happier. It is coming more naturally. I never want to go back :)

This is absolutely brilliant! Worth the read. I want to see this put to music and dance now.

The stage is empty, save a single thought. She walks over to pick it up and it leaps from her grasp, landing on the worn planks with a hollow thump. She reflects briefly that it sounds like a heartbeat, the sound of this thought landing on the stage, and begins her chase. Her bare feet flash from a billowing skirt and pad softly in pursuit. As the thought moves away from her in a fluid bound, she giggles and whirls around to leap after it. The cresting fabric of her skirt pulls tight around her knees, and then loosens as her direction changes. The only thing she can see, can focus on,  is catching this thought, though it alludes her thus far. It pauses and she slides across the boards with a rasping sound that reminds her of leather in some strange way. She crouches low, one knee bent up to rest against her shoulder as her arm stretches out to hold her balance.  Her skirts wafts gently under her left leg, stretched out long and lean. Her breath is harsh and ragged, and all traces of giggles have ceased. She is now determined; she is a woman with a mission. She holds her position steady as the though turns listlessly in place.

                Suddenly it seems like there are two of them. Are her eyes playing tricks on her? She closes off all her senses, retreating into solitude for a moment or two, then comes back to the moment. As her eyes open she gasps and loses her balance, falling backwards. Her legs somewhat splayed, she attempts to regain some sort of composure as her eyes widen in amazement. What was a solitary thought has become hundreds, each a different size and texture but all staring in her direction. She plants her hands on the wood between her legs and pushes into a hunkering position. The thoughts remain still. She extends a hesitant foot out towards a group of three. They remain still. As she slowly begins to shift her weight to that extended foot, she notices something of a tension amongst the triad. As she stretches her hands to stroke the closest one, pandemonium erupts. Every one of her thoughts is exploding away from her. She bursts into action, coiled muscles relishing the chance to spring her into the air.   Her breath is ragged, tearing from her lungs in short bursts as she flies about the stage. Nothing has meaning except that she, above all, must  lay hand on any one of these. But they are tricky and can sense her desperation. They playfully flit in and out of her range, seeming to know exactly the moment to dart away so her hands close on air.

              She moves about the stage, running after them as they all begin to vanish. As they seemingly all disappear, her eyes close and harsh sobs wrack her body as it sinks to the floor. She sits cross-legged with her face in her hands, and the lights on the stage begin to darken.

             Sitting alone with the last of her sobs behind her, she begins to wonder where she'll go from here. The last of her tears run down her face as she feels something silky crawl into her lap, a warm weight settling down as if to comfort her.

I know I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid because it wasn’t a thing they looked for in girls and I was social and good at school and acted “normal”, but omg how was I not diagnosed as a kid?!

autism is just being a picky eater, wearing the same hoodie for 9 days straight, and the sun stressing you out

Study mode activated. I have a 3-5 page paper to write for my forensic science class. I feel less stressed about this one than I did about last week’s. I’m also really proud of the gun I drew, especially since I’m nowhere near being an artist. Yay forensic science class!

My study buddy is here keeping me company. I’m on my second page and have taken my second Ritalin of the day to focus. I may drink more coffee later on to help focus my brain when the Ritalin wears off. ADHD is so much fun…

the maple leafs injured both of the hurricanes goalies so they put their fucking zamboni driver in the net LMAO

Tell me representaron doesn’t matter

Source ~ TikTok @/thewokemama

This has made my heart so so so damn warm. 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sometimes I feel like breaking down asking myself "why is everything so hard for me?" "Why can't I do the same things as other people?" "Why do I need to struggle with the stupidest of things?" But then I remember autism is a ✨️disability✨️ and I am, in fact, disabled