Note To Self: No Compliment Is Worth A Lost Ciggy Rip — @shxlgc

Euphoria (2019—) Created by Sam Levinson

any other day, one where the sun wasn’t in her eyes or the wind wasn’t messing up her hair — or where lili wasn’t paranoid that chicken shit had gotten underneath her fingernails — maybe lili would have tickled her competitive bone. but no, apparently that day was not today. and lili knew a losing game when it’s been had and from the get go — soap? was no winning contender in anyone’s book.

it wasn’t as if the people around here went through soaps as quickly as they would water — they couldn’t be that dirty, could they? she sniffs, trying not to appear too miffed by the idea before turning back to emi.

“surprised — why?” she feigns her own little raised brow in confusion, a smile playing on her lips as she looks at the juice cups. her finger dances in the air around them as she tries to choose, “which do you recommend, you’ve been here all day — which has been selling the most?” 

she swore, just when she thought she had legacy figured out, they wanted to throw another curveball-- like sending them out into the country, having them feign for themselves, or at least it felt that way sometimes. really though, all mimi could do was cackle at the different shenanigans they had been put through. it was all in a good fun, and honestly, she hadn't realized how sick of the practice room she was until they were heading far far away from it.

fresh air would do her some good anyway, it had been a rough couple of weeks.

and she liked competing. it was fun, it lit a fire under her, even more so when she realized she was losing. so to say this weekend had been... eventful was an understatement. it was nice to get closer to the trainees and unnies, though.

sometimes, this makes it easier to feel like she fits in.

juice selling was going well, and the team was excited, hushed whispers around their future spoils of vicotry when the voice rings through and emi turns, blinks a bit at lili as she tries to hide her snort. she takes the bill with ease, moving to get change, and gestures to the juices. "take your pick, take your pick. i am a little surprised you wanted to get one from us, though." she admits with a chuckle.

appalling.

lili could only look even more worse for wear as jiah remarks on these pink gloves that lili does not even remember being offered to her — she feels her jaw go slack. “and you didn’t think to even offer me a pair? you traitor.” she wrinkles her nose, using the water from the faucet to flick some drops onto her roommate from the side before finally turning off the faucet. grabbing one of the spare kitchen towels, she dries her hands before turning to the other with another look of disbelief.

“don’t even joke — if you come into our room smelling like garlic, you’re going to sleep on the couch.” her hip bumps into the other’s before turning to glance at one of the older ladies who had accompanied them into the kitchen, turning to jiah when the woman begins to dictate to them about the meal plans. and while lili prided herself when it came to learning korean in such a short span of time — the woman’s accent was definitely interfering with lili’s comprehension. 

“what did she say?” lili asks when the older woman finally leaves them, again. 

Jiah is having a blast. It feels refreshing to go to the countryside and be surrounded by nothingness and the elderly who seem to like her well enough despite just meeting her for the first time. It's just like when Jiah and Jino visited their grandparents, and the neighborhood association doted on them for being one of the few young people around there. She feels at home.

The same can't be said about Lili, whom Jiah likes dearly, but also thinks it's so entertaining how she isn't fit for the environment they are in. Of course, one can learn to adapt, but they'll be around only for three days, and Lili doesn't look like someone who's enjoying themselves. It's a shame, but it's also kind of funny. Jiah doesn't even have the good sense to hide her smile when Lili addresses her. She just raises an eyebrow at her friend and checks her hands for any signs of dirt. "I used the gloves they had available, Lils. You know, the bright pink ones. How did you miss that, love?" To Lili's credit, being in a big group and having cameras on them doesn't make this any easier. Jiah was lucky that one of the ladies they were working with liked her enough to remind her to put the gloves on.

"I seriously hope I don't because the food would taste awful, but if they ask me to, I will have to, no? I mean, it could be fun. I could smell like garlic for the next two weeks. Who knows?"

BLANK SPACES. lili hates to bother (she doesn't, in reality, she is the bother) but desperate times call for desperate measures — @lgcrua

her head is blank. a struggle lili has never once encountered before. then again, not once had she ever thought she would be attempting to choreograph something for herself again. it’s been years since ballet school and the recitals and the long nights of endless, frustrated grueling over steps and motions that lili had thought she had put behind her.

and yet —

she stands, with her hands on her hips as she lets the song play again through her airpods; repeating the motion as languidly as possible so that she doesn’t tire herself out like all those years ago when she would just run full-throttle into every move. 

it still didn’t look right — didn’t feel right either — as she does the move thrice over. because of this — she could feel the vein in her forehead ready to pop, frustration bubbling to the surface. lili hated being wrong, but she also hated wasting her time. 

from the side she spots — rua, was it? — plucking a pod from her ear, she waves with as much finesse as she can muster despite herself, “hey — rua, right?” 

“can i get your opinion on something? i keep doing this move but i feel like it doesn’t look right.” 

୨୧     THE DECISION     :     DATE LOTTERY # 2025

going into her decisions, lili had half the mind to deny minkyu another date — how dare he try to one up her in front of millions!

least of all with surprises that he knew lili hated!

( the act of surprise, not the gift from a surprise — never a gift )

it would show him that she was not one to be trifled with! she was miffed! absolutely horrified! ( she says this but was she really — had it really been so bad — no, she was just upset over nothing because her flair of dramatics could only handle so much all while under the guise of her public persona )

and minkyu — that sneaky little devil! — knew that lili could never deny him on national television. so, she follows the narrative — playing the role of some awe-struck, lovesick fool who had the time of her life laughing along to minkyu’s cute little quips and his gab and gall for surprise.

seated, legs crossed primly at the ankles as she’s asked those three special words: “will you continue (again)?”

and ( like the drama queen she was ) just like that, she’s smiling; all teeth — grin shining bright as a little blush dusts along the apples of her cheeks as if just the thought of another date had her sheepish ( as if! but the role was far more important than the cringe of it all ); that seeing minkyu again after such a wonderful date would only overjoy her.

( god, she was going to give minkyu a piece of her mind once this was all over )

“it was such a good date, minkyu-씨 could have chosen anything else but he thought to do something he had never done and i liked it, it was very … courageous of him.” thankfully, it stopped at courageous and didn’t turn to anything worse. lili was not someone you should have as your emergency contact. “i really wasn’t expecting the ice cream tower surprise — how it was even made is even more crazy.” it truly defied gravity and lili was not sure how they got through it the way they did.

“if i could, i’d say,” a thoughtful and suspenseful pause for effect. “the adventure should continue, yes.”

however, the second these cameras turn off, minkyu was getting a second helping of a smackdown. 

“christ,” lili curses under her breath, fingers running through her hair as she steps back. she was thankful — no, relieved — when she sees the other open her eyes to a blurry haze. she was alive — there was no need for cpr that lili did not know heads or tails of or 119. shit, should she still call them just in case? the girl did look like she needed some type of medical attention. “are you sure, you looked like … kinda two steps to heaven?”

watching the other nearly stumble, lili sighs; hands on her hips, brows furrowed before shaking her head. a hand raised to stop the other, if not extend a hand to stabilize her. “no, no — it’s okay. i was going to use it but you don’t look so good, you should stay. rest, maybe go to the infirmary? does this happen often?” 

One moment, she was studying her form in the mirror, checking the angle of her leg as she pointed it towards ceiling. The next moment, she was looking into the eyes of a girl she recognized but was not overly familiar with and completely soaked.

Junyi was not alarmed - this was, unfortunately, a common enough occurrence.

"I am alright," she whispered reassuringly, bringing a hand up to sweep across her wet bangs. People did not typically use water to wake her up; they most often opted for shaking and shouting. Junyi wasn't sure if she preferred this method more.

Regardless.

"Thank you for your help. Apologies if I alarmed you." She smiled despite the circumstances and sat herself up slowly. "I must have overheated. Or something." Her doctors in China informed her that she had a problem with her qi, and that was why she experienced these moments of weakness. It's been improving, but not quickly enough.

"Are you here for the practice room?" Junyi glanced at the clock. "Sorry. I'll get going now." She reached for her towel in the corner to wipe her face. Must have moved too fast, because she nearly fell over again.

໒꒱ . DATE LOTTERY # 2024 _ THE DECISION 、

it’s almost sickening the way the nerves crawl upon her skin — because what did lili have to be nervous for? it wasn’t like this was some end of it all will she or won’t she a la the bachelorette; it was whether or not she’d like to — as they say — ‘continue the adventure with their current partner’. and if she said no, she could always call minkyu the next day and it'll be fine — right?

( it would all be fine? )

and as nauseating as it did sound — because whoever came up with seriously needed to be re-enrolled in romance 101 — lili couldn’t find it in her heart to deny it.

even if it went against all her principles — and maybe lili liked to think she was a better person than someone who’d reject one of her closest friends and then be fine with spending the day with them as if nothing had happened — she knew deep down that: she wasn’t a better person.

and she was just the type of person to do such a thing.

but when the cameras rolled and she’s asked the dreaded question, lili is answering before she can even tell herself that her mask was slipping.

“i’m glad it was minkyu — if anything, relieved?” she tastes the word on her tongue — as if testing it, the korean phrase a hard sell for a foreign linguist. lili nods, once she’s reassured that that is what she means. “that my date was with him. i don’t normally share much of my personal life — my childhood with many people — but since i’ve met minkyu before, being able to show him something that’s so dear to me was really nice. i think it made us closer.”

and she really did — think — that it had made them closer, rather in the superficial sense that lili usually built her relationships — in particular with minkyu, bolstering him around town with her black card through meals and little gifts — the fact that this had neither to do with any of the above made it different, made it feel different and lili still couldn’t quite describe that feeling other than … nice. it was — it is nice.

“and i think that’s why,” she pauses, licking her lips as a finger catches a stray hair before pushing it behind her ear — building the suspense through a charming grin and a small, gentle hum before she nods. “i’d like to go on another adventure with him, wherever that may take us.” 

because even if lili pretended that she was fine with burning bridges and acting fine, another part of her — the needier part that had spoken in harsh tongues and pleaded her not to — had already shown too much of her real self in the form of a happy childhood memory for all the world to now see. and she couldn’t deny that because of this, lili — whether professionally or personally — didn’t want the world to see her burn a bridge that she had now, despite her initial refrains, cemented in stone. 

You are lashing out because you’re too sensitive. Yes, I was narrow-minded for a short while. Get over it.

໒꒱ . XU LILI _ 1V1 CONSULATION 、WORKSHOP # 002

lili prided herself on her one on one evaluations with her coaches. something about receiving critiques empowered her, in a way. if they flat-out told her she sucked, it evoked an irrational sense of determination in her. if they flattered her, it validated her. in the end, it was a win-win situation that worked in her favor. 

“ WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE YOUR STRENGTHS RIGHT NOW? ”

her strengths have always been her most steadfast of skills — they were what made it easy for lili to transition from some no name agency to the likes of legacy in a matter of weeks. her defaults came easy, rolling off the tongue in a crescendo of confidence that she wonders why seo youngjae had bothered wasting his breath. “singing, dancing, modeling — it’s a triple threat combination that i feel like i’ve perfected.” and to this day, lili believes is her clandestine repetotoire for her future and yet — "do you not agree?" she asks, at point blank, because if seo youngjae didn't, then obviously lili was not working hard enough. ( and that irked her )

“ WHAT ARE THREE SKILLS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO WORK ON IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS? ”

she ponders this, and realizes the slight deflation in her response. it’s no surprise to anyone that her confidence had taken hit after hit in recent months. being looked over and not even considered for certain projects had been low blows that lili had tried her best to not get to her — since nobody asked, lili assumed she had done a good job in not showing it. but now, as the cards are laid down on the table and lili is asked to foresee what she could possibly do more — she feels affronted, almost affixed to her thoughts. “i feel like i’ve fallen short on my performance” — lili only says because coach jang insung had told her something along the same lines in passing the other day and if insung noticed, there was no way it wasn’t going to be brought up today. and lili knew better than to hide from the inevitable. “so, i’d probably work on my performance.” there was also that small stint as an extra for that film project, not much came of it but lili did like her time there even if she didn’t have lines, and if her face was covered — it was something. “maybe try working on my acting, actually being on a set had struck something in me, i guess. i couldn’t really stop thinking about it.” it was her way of saying she liked it without being so upfront about it. “i was also thinking of trying my hand at hosting but if i don’t like it … i could just keep working on my singing, i still have yet to really perfect my whistle tone.” 

“ IF GIVEN A CHANCE, WHAT TYPES OF GIGS WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN PARTICIPATING? ”

“with my current understanding, i feel i would be better suited to modeling and acting opportunities. i am interested in hosting but i don’t think i’m quite well-suited to them yet. otherwise, for modeling and acting, i feel like while i lack experience, i have learned enough about the field and have shown my interest enough that i would be easier for me to adapt to them.” a long-winded answer that, in hindsight, sounds almost rehearsed. and for that, lili’s fingers sneak into the side of her trousers for a slight pinch. it was an answer — eloquent, smooth, almost convincing in nature — that almost mimicked something her grandmother would have ate up and lili … at this point in her consultation, wanted to be honest — apparently, some habits were just too hard to forgo. 

“ DURING YOUR TIME HERE IN LEGACY, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE LESSONS THAT YOU’VE LEARNED ABOUT YOURSELF? ”

while not something she learned while at legacy, she finds it’s something that is becoming more and more of a hindrance to her growth and it’s — “i’m impatient. i feel like i’m ready for whatever it is you’ve yet to guarantee me.” but no matter how impatient she is, she finds herself drowning in this impatience. “and it makes me make more mistakes than i’m used to. i feel like i need to learn better ways to calm myself and/or learn how to be patient.” the latter is easier said than done, so lili prays for the former more than anything. and while lili does not beg, her words seem to beg to differ. 

"we'll talk more in april."

lili leaves feeling like she’s said something she shouldn’t have. a fault of saying too much to ears that only nitpicked to their heart’s desire. a disadvantage, lili thinks, as she walks away from her meeting with youngjae with an almost bitter taste in her mouth. suddenly, lili did not care for how fast time felt. she did not look forward to april. 

wrap me up — @lgcxmimi

as someone who’s love language was giving and receiving gifts, when given the chance — and truly, there were not many — lili practically jumped at the opportunity to wrap presents. unfortunately, these gifts lacked her certain aesthetic taste for ribbon and wrappers but she would make do — anything to keep her away from the children and their little grubby hands.

so, she with each wrapped box and toy; her artistic pursuits soared when it came to decorating them with ribbon. all she needed was an extra —

“emi? do you mind lending a finger, i just need one so i can tighten this bow.”

extending the box towards the other girl, lili appears far more excited at the aspect of bows and wrapping than she has been since the day had started — and it may or may not be because she was out of earshot of those screaming gremlins but we don’t judge — smile dazzling and all as she steps towards emi’s side.