Hyper Independence And Help

The scene at Osun Osogbo in Osun State, Nigeria by Adeolu Osibodu (@adeoluosibodu)

My Cat

I dreamt I had a black cat

She, oh yes a female

She was brilliant

With black beady eyes and a

Careful countenance

She was my black cat

Missing her

Musings part 301

I look around and it seems life is sucking the energy out of us, to be alive is to struggle but it’s time we all got a break, trying to not speak for the whole collective but right now planning for the future feels like a pipe dream, the goal is to make it through the day, the week, the month

How is it that of all the worlds and realities we could have built this is the one we saw fit to nurture, a world that leaves so many wanting and so few full

It’s innate for us to be greedy and selfish, it’s could even be called life, life exists by survival and survival is primal but we are conscious sentient beings shouldn’t that count for something.

I wonder what other type of worlds could we have built? Worse or better than this ?

What does it feel like?

Anxiety feels like a weight on my chest

The weight is dependent on the day

Sometimes it’s heavy and sometimes it’s light

Anxiety feels like my lungs can’t suck in enough air

It’s feels like they can’t hold the air in for long

Short breaths

Anxiety feels like an uneasiness

Relentless undercurrent of unsettled energy

Constantly in alert mode

Constantly analyzing, thinking, ruminating

Anxiety feels unsafe

In those moments I just want to feel safe

On my own or helped by someone who cares and adores me

I don’t know what to write, maybe it’s because I’m in the midst of a lot of feelings, it hit me today just how low on cash I am and even doh there are a few things in the works, I wonder if I will survive long enough, I am second guessing my decision to leave my job about a year ago but another part of me is saying f*** that mostly because it’s not worth it.

I have 40gh in my account all I can do is work and eat, I can’t do anything spontaneous, I am looking at myself and I am worried, ngl I feel very very worried, I am looking around for who is going to help and feel shame, I feel embarrassed that I am trying to get someone to help me or give me money, like a handout.

I know I made the right decision, it’s not been easy, there is a heavy sigh in my heart, and I know that I need to hang in there, need to believe but omo it’s hard to do in this exact moment

So I am back to my warrior position, lying on the floor in fetal position were I can find the strength to get up, trust and believe that everything is going to be alright but for now we lie down

Alone Not Lonely (2024) By Bisola Michal, Nigerian artist

Old architecture give me life..