The Saddest Part Of Henry Kissinger Dying Is That I Didn’t Get To Kill Him Myself

*my dad, taking about going to the symphony*: … it’s like going to a punk show. everyone’s gotta do it at least once.

can’t wait for the hand o god to strip me naked and smother me in savory bbq sauce. mmmmmmmm boy i do love getting sauced.

its not "smoke from a wildfire". thats god tryna cook you like a rack o ribs.

my phone is a catalytic converter that turns wifi into bad vibes

bitch you think you’re the shit? you’re not even the shart.

You apply for 20 jobs on Indeed. The silence is deafening.

You apply for 20 jobs on Indeed. Half of them require you to create an account on the company website. You leave a trail of ghost accounts that will be used once and never again. You never receive a response.

You apply for 20 jobs on Indeed. One employer offers an interview, but it's so rare for you to receive any response that you forget to check the website and you miss the time.

You apply for 20 jobs on Indeed. One employer offers an interview, but you don't know the magic words that signal to the esoteric mind of an interviewer that you're fit for the job.

You apply for 20 jobs on Indeed. One employer e-mails you saying that 'unfortunately, you do not have the qualifications we are looking for'. You check the job again and see you applied to be a menial labourer.

You apply for 20 jobs on Indeed. Half of them require a car. No one stops to ask how you're supposed to afford one with no job.

You apply for 20 jobs on Indeed. One employer offers a job. The commute makes you want to die in your sleep.

You call the HR manager for the workplace in hopes of arranging an interview more directly. They don't even have an answering machine.

Employers complain that no one wants to work anymore.

brb gotta study for the bechdel test

me sitting on the floor of the bathroom with the lights off and the door closed eating bowls of pills like cereal with kamala harris: so tell me more about venn diagrams

kamala: *manic laughter*

this would be a significant breakthrough in printer design imo

i think we can all agree it's a bit of a missed opportunity electronics don't have a "milk socket" you could plug some sort of milk battery into, which would slowly disperse milk into the body of the machine, possibly ruining it.

*david attenborough voice* little is known about the nesting habits of wizards although they do seem to prefer the austere solitude of towers

prometheus, waking up for his shift at the liver-getting-torn-out factory: i think i’ll go out for some drinks later