Hindsight Is The VAR Of Life.

adderall is the thinking man’s ozempic

i’m not sure what a vriska is and at this point i’m too afraid to ask

the italian grandma seems to be arguing in favour of packing as light as possible and so the conversation has turned to a detailed discussion of optimizing the folding of laundry

currently listening to an irate italian grandma rant to her friends about trip planning while i take the scotrail from inverness to aviemore

“it’s not about you and me. it’s about us” i say to the tailgating F150 behind me as i stomp on the brakes.

Free* House!!!!!

(*one (1) savage beating per month)

literally me

When u think the alcohol is gonna make y’all freakier but u start walking funny and she starts biting your ass

airport pro tip: store your IEDs towards the top of your luggage so that they can easily accessed during checkpoints and promptly deployed mid-flight.

why didn’t jesus just go on ssris?

— my kinsey scale seven friend

rolling down the street, nixon tapes on full blast with the bass all the way up

counterspell: jar of peanut butter

Set off the metal detector but instead of bringing out a regular sniffer dog it’s a guy in a fursuit and he’s reeeeeally excited