Violent Thoughts Everyday

The pattern persists and I see it playing Out how will it all end Will I save myself Is there something else for me

Perpetually discontent because I long for intimacy but I also don’t want others to impose themselves in my space. Don’t act as though we’re close, don’t insert yourself in everything I think or do, don’t take what’s mine. What I like is mine and you’re not allowed to waltz in and treat it as if it’s your own. I feel this about the things I like learning about. It’s mine, find another subject.

Read a paper whose research was of the theoretical nature! It appears thermal physics is Very interesting and I must learn about the generalized uncertainty principle and instantons.

Seeking to understand how drift velocity is quite low and slow while there’s an almost instantaneous feedback of circuit information once the connection is closed and the voltage is established. I see that drift speed is different from the speed at which the particles collide with one another within the wire too, that collision (or thermal?) speed is notably higher than drift velocity . But how is this almost instantaneous feedback of information possible ?

How I wish I had a feast of potatoes placed forth in front of me .

It struck me as odd to see men act as though women are coddled for their emotions while men are told to man up. No one has coddled my emotions and it’s a very few times they’ve been validated. Women have been seen as overly emotional creatures who can’t form rational judgements— hysterical, crazy, and insane.

the biggest bullshit everrrrr is when people say "men and boys are punished for crying whereas women and girls are validated and comforted" it's such bullshit people will literally see a woman crying and call her an evil manipulative bitch

Going through periods of health scares when I notice something about my body and think I’m dying but eventually it turns out to be nothing/normal but nonetheless doesn’t feel less scary each time

The opposite of anxiety is not calmness, it is desire. Anxiety and desire are two, often conflicting, orientations to the unknown. Both are tilted toward the future. Desire implies a willingness, or a need, to engage this unknown, while anxiety suggests a fear of it. Desire takes one out of oneself, into the possibility of relationship, but it also takes one deeper into oneself. Anxiety turns one back on oneself, but only onto the self that is already known. There is nothing mysterious about the anxious state; it leaves one teetering in an untenable and all too familiar isolation. There is rarely desire without some associated anxiety: We seem to be wired to have apprehension about that which we cannot control, so in this way, the two are not really complete opposites. But desire gives one a reason to tolerate anxiety and a willingness to push through it.

Open to Desire

Mark Epstein

So lonely So so lonely Nothing but lonely So alone

Ordered a linear algebra text book. Came today. Very pleased. Flipped through it and frowned. What is this! I plan to read through it a bit before classes start this fall because I’m taking diff eq and linear algebra and I am quite unfamiliar with linear algebra