Thought Of You

3 years ago today they sat me down and told me you weren’t going to be okay.

Not because of cancer or a heart attack.

Something stupid.

An accident.

I didn’t even know that the last time I spoke to you would be the last.

Somehow it wasn’t a fight.

Somehow, you complemented me for the first time in a long time.

It felt like a new start.

A tenuous truce.

And then you were gone.

Forever.

I love you. I know these words won’t reach you, but let me say them here again and again.

Let me share a piece of all this love that is rotting within me.

Wandermania.

I know he's gone.

I love with the ramifications of that every day.

But I often catch myself referring to him like he's still here.

It's not out of delusion.

It's just hard to turn almost three decades of "is" to "was"

And each one twists the knife.

You got hurt suddenly, fatally.

I had my nose in the newest Andy Weir book and I was obsessed with it. The moment I heard my brother stomp on the floor above me, his door fly open, and the sound of an ambulance over a speakerphone lives in my brain.

It won't ever leave, though I didn't know it at the time.

You got hurt... A lot.

Like chronically.

On the way out the door I grabbed my book.

I figured you'd be okay.

I planned on a late night in the hospital, letting my mom go home to sleep while the kept you for observation and, hey, I could read my book.

I never opened that book again.

I returned it to the library unfinished.

‘Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.’

“Eulogy from a Physicist” by Aaron Freeman, with quotes from Interstellar by Christopher Nolan, and images from NASA, Interstellar, Getty, Petrichara, and Reuters.

1- NASA: GOODS-South.

2- NASA: NGC 1850.

3- NASA: Iberian Peninsula.

4- Christopher Nolan: Interstellar.

5- NASA: From the Earth to the Moon.

6- Hannah La Folette Ryan: Subway Hands.

7- Adams Evans: Heart Nebula.

8- NASA: Exploring the Antennae.

9- NASA: Crescent Moon from the International Space Station.

10- Petrichara.

11- Getty Images.

12- NASA: SMACS 0723.

13- Reuters

I want him back. Please god

I don't want to be in this year. I want to go back. He's not in this year I want to go back please

Dad, I miss you

Dad, I'm sorry.

I miss the little whistle you'd do to get someone's attention. The little two note high low whistle. You used it the last time I spoke to you and it was a good conversation. I still use it to get the cat's attention because it's what he responded to best.

He misses you like hell.

So do I.

I should have raked the pine needles with you. I should have gone to dinner with you.

I should have been there when it happened

I should have been there.