Evil Place Called Mind

Evanescence

Why does it matter that

I leave my footprints in the sand

If it can't even survive a wave of sea water...

Why does it matter that,

I leave the traces of my being

If one day,

It's going to be blown by the wind...

Why does it matter that

I inscribe my name

On a rock at the peak of that mountain

If one day,

it's going to fade with the inexorable rain...

Why does it matter that

I mark my space in the minds of others

When the memories you hold

Are not even loyal to you...

Why does it matter

That I make myself

A little more significant than others

If everything in this world

Evanesces with time anyway...

I wanna forget for a while

Forget the rules of the world

Forget about this heaviness resting on my shoulder

And the pressure around me that has already created a crack

For a while, I wanna forget

The mocking memories

I wanna close my eyes

To the terrible possibilities

For a while, I want the voices to be quite

That's the only wish I have

For a while, make me feel alive

Colour red

You think you can tame me

Just because this pendent of your name

Is hanging from my neck

You think I wouldn't cross the threshold

Just because the sound of my anklets

Are more loyal to you

You think my identity belongs to you

Just because the bangles I wear

Is marked by your name

You think I would obey you

As the commands of those Gods

Just because you coloured me red.

Insignificant, like a dust, that's what I am.

It doesn't matter how hard you try.

You glue them together or tie them in a knot or hold onto them for dear life;

There'll be always something that's left behind; that becomes the ghost of the past.

I feel like that ghost sometimes, desperately gasping for that one breath of life.

The first time I got acquainted with grief.

Red blazing fire danced before my eyes, greedily engulfing my mother's body. The crackling sound of fire dominating any other sound caused by the crowd of people. The world faded around me as i concentrated on the sight in front of me. I wasn't even aware how many hours have passed since my mom drew her final breath. If someone told me to describe the hours subsequent to her death, I probably wouldn't be able to string four sentence together. Those hours had been hazy. I remember holding her hand with one hand and the other resting on her chest feeling her heartbeats as her heart heaved for the last time. I remember trying to get ahold of myself as the devastation hit me like wave of tsunami. The feeling of loss was sudden. I tried to think of all those impending arrangements and formalities I have to do, so I wouldn't break apart in a hospital room. After all, I have long since known of her illness. I knew what was coming. I had time to prepare myself. I shouldn't be loosing it like this. I managed to distract myself for almost five seconds before I lost it and as if a dam broke loose all the emotions hit me at once. The devastation, the loneliness, the loss, the confusion, the anger, I felt it all. The pain was almost physical, as if someone was ripping me apart limb by limb. I don't know how much time passed while I sat there sobbing hysterically. I don't know when people started coming in, awkwardly muttering their condolences, some taking me in a firm embrace as if they're touch will pacify the raging storm inside me. I wish it could but their solace couldn't reach me through the thick layer of sorrow. But I was still grateful for their presence. Even though their faces were a string of blurry images that I didn't care to acknowledge at that time, I was still grateful, especially when they stuck around and took over the cremation arrangements. I wasn't sure I could have taken care of things in my current state of insensibility. I guess, this was the boon of living in a small town. People always make time to stand by you. Either because they expect the same from you or they just don't want to appear insensitive, the reason doesn't matter.

In the process of breaking down, trying to pick myself up to give my mom a proper cremation and seeing her motionless body turning into ash something inside me went numb. I was tired. Tired of my mind being clogged up by emotions. Tired of life being so unfair. I wanted to stop feeling. I wasn't one to let my emotions take control of situations. Guess, that was before I had a brush with grief. And I was glad I didn't have anymore family, glad that I wouldn't have to go through it again. I kneeled near the ashes as the fire died down watching the thinning smoke still rising from the ash. I closed my eyes and tried to envision my life from this moment forward. And for the first time in life I felt burdened by life. For the first time I had no one to lean on. I was truly and utterly alone.

Not my usual thing to write so it'll be nice if you can give me any pointers. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated as well.

Alive

I felt each breath seeping into my lungs.

I felt each ray of sunshine that touched my skin.

I felt every gust of wind that blew past me.

I felt all those emotions hidden in my heart.

The sorrows, the love, the dreams and the hope.

I felt the time that ticked by and I didn't care.

I felt my heart beating to it's own rhythm.

I felt the silence telling me something.

Telling me that I'm alive.

And I believed it.

A ray of hope

A little ray of hope

lighting up your heart.

A little ray of hope

brightening your spirits.

A little ray of hope

flikering in the shadows,

showing you the way to light,

when you're drowning in sorrows.

A hope that shows you,

you can fly so high.

A hope that tells you,

you can touch the starry sky.

A hope that brings

the twinkle in your eyes.

A hope that augments

the love in your heart.

That little ray of hope,

that you guard with your life,

makes all the difference,

between being dead and being alive.

Born again

It's been two decades since I was born

With everyday asking myself 'what for?'

With everyday looking up to a stone idol

Expecting answer to the one question I can't utter...

It's been one decade since the realization struck

That all those pleas and questions I sent

Was received by a room full of nothingness

And even if some soul lingers in that darkness

He doesn't care about a girl with a cruel fate...

That whenever I looked up at the sky

With the hope in my heart to find salvation

All along it had nothing to offer

Except darkness and suffocation...

It's been some years since I came to acceptance

That a tree can't move away from its roots

It took some time to put back the pieces

To mend something that has always been broken

To stand up and walk again

I still have the scars and one fragile heart

Unanswered questions and unfulfilled wishes

But now I know, it doesn't make a difference

I can't cut my roots but I can still grow

And that was when,

I was born again.

Before you

I was terrified of this world

looking at those Shadows

Spreading on this earth

You tilted my head upward

showed me the stars

And I stopped shuddering in the dark

You told me

any of them could be mine

The thought made me smile

I wandered around at nights

Looking for that tiny light

That would feel just right

Just mine

And I finally found it

Not up above, in the skies

But around me

Among the fireflies.