Why?

We could be so good together! We split up and then you want to work it out, so I try time and time again, just to end up right back to me falling back into you, then you realize you have me, and all of a sudden you’re back to cold as ice. I beg you to talk to me, tell me what I could do to make things better and you act like I’m the only one with the problem, maybe I am, but my problem is you. It’s like you are completely emotion less. Like you block out everything I say, you text me and when I text you back and it’s not what you want to hear then you don’t even really read them just enough to find something and say I’m starting shit. I am trying harder than I have in the twenty something years we’ve been in this. I speak you start to act like you frustrated, like I’m bothering you when I’m just trying to make conversation with my husband. I thought we were suppose to be a team in this. You talk and treat everyone like human beings and me like I’m a pest. Ya know, I’ve got over you before, so Idk why you want to torture us both. I’m a Gemini, I have to feel wanted, not smothered but loved. I would love to be number 3 in your life but I’m lucky if I’m in the the top 10. So please just go. Stop torturing me for loving you. I’m good with it, because I love you enough that I want you to be happy, I want to make someone happy, and I never seem to make you anything. I feel like a sex doll, like whenever you want it. You want me dressed up and in the mood, when I feel like your half way finished before we even start, then you don’t talk to me unless you need something from me, you hurt me, I tell you, and you say nothing at all. Just go. Find someone that does it for you, not just sexually, but someone you want to sit and talk to and not try and stay away from. I am not holding you back and I’ve never held anything over your head trying to keep you. The other day when I had to go and you and my girl talked for a min, you actually sat in the carport and had a good conversation, it made me jealous af but only because I feel like you don’t even try that with me……. So walk away, if you ever really care please stop dragging me, I’m not strong enough to tell you no ever.

Things are so different, everything has changed. We have changed, I’m not so sure that I know anything at all about you, sometimes I wonder if I ever really did.

So, I’m thinking that things with my husband are always gonna go the same path, no matter how much I work on myself or how much I change up things I do…. I always fall into thinking that we are doing better, and he’s actually not talking to me like shit daily, that he actually wants me around, then bam, I get hit with reality. We are home and he’s in his building like always and I’m in my room/0ffice/closet, whatever, and he is texting a friend asking him to go to the bar…. Damn if we’re doing well, and I’m home doing nothing special and so is he, then why would he texting friends asking if they want to hit up a bar, which would probably end up being Hooters which is absolutely fine, it’s not like that’s the part that bothers me. We are at the house a lot together, but we never talk, hang out or for the most part even eat together. This is not the way I want my relationship to be anymore, I want to be with someone that has time to do whatever periodically, and wants to do things with me. Not go drink with friends. If we spent time together, actually in one another’s company, then I wouldn’t care if he ran off with a buddy every now and then, I don’t want to spend 24/7 with him, I’m not a controlling person, I guess call me needy, I just want to feel wanted from time to time, Or ever. Right now I feel like I am dropping everything for him to do whatever he wants or needs me to do, slacking on my work and responsibilities, worrying about shit like how bad I’ve got to get an oil change, reminding myself that I need to put a little antifreeze In here, is my tire pumped up, and so on, when just for the simple fact that I am his wife, and knowing that I’m using my moms car, the circumstances as to why, he should have already at least attempted to help me with or get the vehicle things accomplished. It’s always 99 % of the time about himself, and tbh, I have no guarantees that anything that helps him or benefits him, does anything for me at all. I know of many times him coming in to money or him winning money, and we were together, well I’d be lucky if I ever knew period. It’s only gotten worse than better so wtf is wrong with me, then the minute I get myself to a point to be able to let go, he’s automatically totally different and makes me think it’s gonna different and I automatically feel guilty and like if I leave or ask him to go then Im wrong. I’ve always heard that ex’s are ex’s for a reason….. what is really the worst part of it all is that I am not brand new. I know what reality is, I just always think that it’s gonna be better….

This year has been so stressful, draining, and long! My best friend has completely wrote me out of his life. After everything we’ve been through, I’m lost. I feel so hurt, and abandoned. I tried working things out with my ex, even tho I knew it was a bad idea I still went with it, like every other time, seems like we callin back into the same routines. Idk, I’m 6 feet from the edge, somethings has to give, I’m so tired of being good to others just to have them make me feel like I don’t mean shit...

Never thought about it like that

Life is so busy sometimes, it definitely keeps me preoccupied for the most part, but there’s that time of day, when everything is quiet and still no chill cause damn, then I’m left to deal with forgetting you... forgive and forget right? That’s how I’ve been taught my whole life... my ignorant self jus needs to forget.,. I feel like that’s where healing begins... I’m usually pretty good at this part. Totally the unfortunate time to fall so deep that when you realize it’s there, that you’re feelings are passionate, and exotic with someone that may be the same as you, or as close as you assume it could get.... then to see changes, like a light switch as soon as my guard hits the ground, I feel like I almost hit the ground myself, I must be wrong, I must’ve been fooled, and in some of the worst ways... like automatically backtracking, life situations cause if I’m wrong about this, then I really must not know anyone at all, or I’ve done something fucked up to someone to be catching this shit. I know me, I treat people right, I help others if they need and I can, I stay in my lane, if someone needs me I’m here, so it’s me, I’m ignorant, how do you forget what made you feel this, what played like a friend yet lived like a snake in the grass. Fake, has to be or it would be different, we would at the least be friends, I felt like I bonded with you, it’s not possible to go from that to this.... my head is killing me! I’m jus ready to forget.... Tomorrow is a new day, fresh start... there has to be more to life, good people, somewhere... I’m not gonna let anyone change me... regardless of what anyone else may feel, I kinda like me, I’m a Gemini so I’m a little different but I’m good to others, I smile at someone just because I may get a smile back, and I do what I say. I don’t steal, I may talk your head off or not say two words, I’m a loner at times and a social butterfly mix, yeah. There has to be other good, honest people somewhere, ugh!

It’s over and I know this. Letting you go is gonna be one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while, but life goes on, people come and people go. I’ll smile and go on, letting you have a small piece of me. Blessed to have met you. I do want the best for you.

Haven’t posted in a while, my life is so hectic right now. And I saw him today, 6 months of nothing then outta the blue he messaged me, I think we have a bond because we both got hurt around the same time and we held one another together. I don’t fully understand why it went the way it did….. I’m just glad to have you back in my life….. maybe we can help one another again!!!

On that roller coaster ride! Hands up! Eyes clintched tight! Ima do it with no hands!