33. she/her. disabled. did & cptsd. sex trafficking survivor. posts might be triggering.
232 posts
Latest Posts by dissociatedbi - Page 6
Trans Missourians on HRT, call your doctor as soon as possible and get a 90-day supply or as much as they’ll give you.
Lots of us are going to have to relocate or go through costly and/or illegal channels to acquire HRT now.
I invite trans people in MO to add their payment links this post. We desperately need support. We need people to give a shit right now. This is life-or-death for many of us.
Here’s mine:
Venmo: @smkzq3
Ko-fi: falseparasol
I do not ask this lightly, the Missouri AG’s office has started a site to build a list of trans people. Clog the system. That’s the life of a trans kid who gets another day on this earth. Spam the fuck out of it, it’s not sophisticated. You don’t need to use a real email. Post as much as you’d like
another thing that people are clearly having a bit of trouble wrapping their heads around is the concept of objecting to the terms in which something is criticised, and how that does not necessarily equate to defending that thing.
some people tend to like to reduce things to "pro" or "anti," and any attempt to delineate a position more nuanced than that will still be immediately assigned by them to one of those two "camps"
💥🙌👏
Another person in my life is FUCKING DYING and I am ready to burn this goddamn year to the GROUND.
But I'm well medicated this time so what I actually did was cry and then have two oranges with sugar poured on them for dinner. Antipsychotics are wild.
Liz Fosslien
After a year of trialing other injectable migraine treatments that barely worked because our insurance company changed the formulary- my appeal was FINALLY approved & I get to go back on the medication that actually helped!!! Never in my life have I been more excited to stab myself in the stomach, lol.
April fool's day is awful and I hate it >:(
Very ironic that I forgot March is brain injury awareness month, lol
That feeling when you start a new psych med and you're not sure if you're becoming manic or if this is what feeling better if supposed to feel like 🥴
“Baked pies instead of my face”???????
BABE WHERE I WANNA KNOWWW
this is from the second light novel im p sure but bro
hey man i haven’t seen a single similar post (concerning???) so i feel like it’s important to make this.
tomorrow is ramadan. your eating disorder will not magically disappear in ramadan.
allah will not hate you if you relapse in ramadan. be it that you faint or you binge, if you need to break your fast because of your eating disorder THEN YOU BREAK YOUR FAST.
You are not supposed to fast when you are sick. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FAST WHEN YOU ARE SICK. IT IS HARAM TO FAST IF YOU ARE SICK BECAUSE IT BRINGS HARM TO YOUR BODY. If you start feeling horribly sick and you know, you haven’t had sufficient suhoor or iftar for a few days or anything of the sort, it is okay to break your fast and even go to the hospital if you need to.
habaybi that have eating disorders, PLEASE take care of yourself during ramadan. It is a month of cleansing and forgiveness, so forgive yourself if you relapse. You can always redo your fast after ramadan.
Jazakallah please reblog this post and ramadan mubarak to you all! ♡
Happy to help, glad it is informative :)
I think it depends! I'm not sure how it was before I was able to integrate with that part of myself, so I can only speak to what I can actually remember. But for the times I remember, it's very mixed. I'll know that I'm talking to my husband, but I'll be absolutely convinced he's angry at me (which is untrue), that I'm somehow unsafe (also untrue), and that I need to defend myself (never true with him tbh). If I'm aware enough to have the insight that I'm wrong, then I'm also frustrated/confused/angry about not being in control enough to use logic to control my behavior- but I don't always have that insight. So I'd say, usually, I am in the mindset of the past while being aware that I'm not physically in the past.
From what my husband has told me, during the times I have amnesia for, it sounds like I have no idea what's happening but I still know who he is and where I am. But he's said that I don't make any sense, like he will have me try to explain why I'm upset, and I can't really coherently put my thoughts together.
I remember one episode where I had been triggered by several things, and we were standing in the kitchen, and I was saying really awful horrible things to him- like he was trying to upset me on purpose, he was gaslighting me, etc- but he'd say "can you tell me why you think that?" And I couldn't. I don't remember how we had gotten to the kitchen, or what he had said that allegedly upset me. And I KNEW I was wrong, and I really wanted to stop yelling at him, but I felt so out of control. Like somebody else was operating my body, even though obviously I was operating myself lol. So I literally turned around, grabbed the handles of the kitchen cabinet, and yelled for like 15 seconds.
And then my sweet husband was like "yeah! You tell that trauma!" So then I laughed and then had a panic attack. And then we made dinner. An ordinary Thursday, lmfao.
Call for People who Have First Hand Experience with PTSD
(Part of The Research Game, question by @z-mizcellaneous-z)
We are wondering if anyone who has first-hand experience can share with us what PTSD flashbacks look or feel like to you, as well as what it might look like from the outside perspective (such as witnessed by friends/strangers).
(please only share if you're comfortable. You can also send me an anonymous ask instead!)
Everyone else, reblog this around until we can find someone who has the answer!
(Otherwise, there's a Youtube channel I know of that aims to spread awareness of PTSD and may help you here: https://youtu.be/vdLfrJSzMY8, though it's important to note she has Complex PTSD, which is slightly different and is characterized by prolonged trauma rather than a single event)
So I'm reblogging this from a fandom person I follow but it's on brand for the shit I post so, hello! I have OSDD and CPTSD (both of those disorders have a HUGE amount of symptom overlap and are caused by severe, prolonged trauma). I have different types of flashbacks, triggered by different things, so I'll try to organize my answer below but please be aware that my answers might be triggering especially for anyone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse and/or child trafficking. These terms are just what I use to discuss them with my therapist, so idk if they are official terms or not.
• Tactile flashbacks, also called tactile hallucinations
In these, I am entirely aware of where and when I am, but I feel sensations that were occurring during my trauma. It's usually triggered by experiencing pain from old injuries. For specifically (TW!!!!), I occasionally get nerve pain in my vulva from an injury where I was penetrated with an object and it damaged my cervix severely. Sometimes that nerve pain triggers a tactile flashbacks, where I can feel hands and the object touching me exactly the way it felt when it was really happening. It is so realistic that the first few times it happened, part of me was shocked that I wasn't bleeding or hadn't sat on a knife or some weird shit. It makes it feel like I don't even have pants on. It's fucking disorienting and PAINFUL and scary.
I've spent years training myself to show it as little as possible if it happens in public, because it's not the kind of thing that's easily explainable. But the added stress of hiding it triggers me even more- because hiding was an important job I did to cover up for my abusers, so hiding pain is both instinctual and triggering now- that it kind of just makes it worse. So if I'm around someone, they might see me grimace or shift on my chair a bit, I've also heard that I get pretty pale, but I almost always lie and make up an excuse like cramps, which people tend to believe.
But in reality it's horrific and once I'm in privacy, I am pretty useless for the rest of the day unless I have a close friend or my husband around to help me stay grounded and get back on track.
•Emotional flashbacks
This happens a lot when I'm triggered by an everyday normal occurrence that in normal life, is totally fine, but in my past was something I used to know whether or not I was in danger. Probably the most annoying one is the sound of dishes clanging as someone puts them away. If that happened in my childhood, it meant I hadn't put away the dishes in time, and would be punished (but not grounded because my parents were fucking monsters- punishment for me was things like being locked in very small spaces, being forced to braid my hair in high pigtails and hairspray it and go to school looking stupid, not getting food for a few days, having things thrown at me, sometimes the dishes themselves being physically broken on me).
So imagine what a child's emotions might be, knowing they're about to undergo a severe punishment- fear, regret, remorse, defence, desperation- and then transplant all of those emotions into my 32 year old body. It makes me have some wacky ass responses to my husband putting away the clean dishes. I've spent YEARS working on it but we've been together since I was 19, and just last year I got to the point where I could let him put dishes away without me actually yelling at him, or apologizing, or crying. Thank god for therapy.
Emotional flashbacks can really have drastic, immediate control over my behavior, which makes them pretty dangerous when it's not a situation as innocuous as putting away dishes. It's very hard for me to control what I say and do during these episodes, and it's one of the reasons I was diagnosed with OSDD, because my therapist thinks that when I have emotional flashbacks, I dissociate and another part of my personality kind of takes over. And it really is a dramatic personality shift. Still a part of me, but a much younger version. I used to have total amnesia of these episodes and only knew they were happening because my husband would explain them to me. Now I manage to stay conscious (sometimes called co-conscious by people in the OSDD/DID communities) but still have partial amnesia. It makes it very difficult for me to understand what someone is saying to me long enough to formulate a response that makes sense. It's horrible and really challenging to hide or control.
•Visual/dissociated flashbacks
These have only ever been triggered by sex, and they're very similar to the way flashbacks are portrayed in the media, like in movies. Either all or most of my visual field changes from the current situation to a traumatic sexual abuse memory. I completely dissociate, have no idea where I am or what's happening, but the difference from this and movies is that even within the memory, I don't understand what's happening. I don't go into it with my knowledge of what's happening and 15 years of therapy, I'm right back in the exact mindset I was when it was happening, just with the added idea that something is very wrong. Sometimes it feels like I'm asleep in a nightmare, sometimes it feels like I'm literally living it. They don't last more than maybe 30 seconds or so, and my husband tells me that he knows it's happening because my eyes get really wide, I go totally limp, and don't respond except in a way that's similar to how people might talk in their sleep. Once I come out of it, it's straight to having a panic attack, which as you can imagine is kind of awkward when you're in the middle of trying to fuck your partner. My husband is amazing about it all, but when we first got together it scared the shit out of both of us.
•Some other notes: I often try to ground myself so that I don't dissociate during or after a flashback, but for years the only way I knew to ground myself involved pain. I eventually tried to switch to methods that would hurt but not injure me (pinching the skin between my fingers, punching my thighs). But now I do grounding in a way that doesn't hurt myself- or at least I try to. I talk to myself, out loud, to remind myself where I am, what year it is, what's happening, etc. I do breathing exercises, sing loudly, try to hold a conversation. All of those things can help me stay in the present moment. Unfortunately they don't always work, but hey ya can't win 'em all.
@z-mizcellaneous-z I know that's a LOT but lemme know if you have questions or want any more details/info! I'm happy to share!
Call for People who Have First Hand Experience with PTSD
(Part of The Research Game, question by @z-mizcellaneous-z)
We are wondering if anyone who has first-hand experience can share with us what PTSD flashbacks look or feel like to you, as well as what it might look like from the outside perspective (such as witnessed by friends/strangers).
(please only share if you're comfortable. You can also send me an anonymous ask instead!)
Everyone else, reblog this around until we can find someone who has the answer!
(Otherwise, there's a Youtube channel I know of that aims to spread awareness of PTSD and may help you here: https://youtu.be/vdLfrJSzMY8, though it's important to note she has Complex PTSD, which is slightly different and is characterized by prolonged trauma rather than a single event)
Liz Fosslien
everyone's like wehhhhh why doesn't doctor house gets suuuueeed! like my man. literally every patient he sees is someone that's been trying to find a diagnosis for ages. i could live with a little medical malpractice if it were coming from someone ready to break into my home to look for allergens and not simply half heartedly listen to me before suggesting I lose weight and take ages of back and forth arguing to order a single test
There is a new Chrome extension that detects if a video you’re streaming has a strobe in it, will freeze the video and stick this warning up there until you approve it.
WHERE THE HELL HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE????
Kind of weird how people are like oh so your doctors aren't helping you and are negligent.. have you tried trying harder to get help??
Well I finally managed to get my ass up and take a shower for the first time since the funeral so that's something. I feel kind of ridiculous for not showing for a week but at the same time I feel extra extra clean now because the contrast is so stark lol
My heart aches for our community and what we've all been facing lately. Please hang in there, everybody.
when you’re healing, you will fuck up. maybe you’ll relapse, maybe you’ll do something you know is gonna hurt you, maybe you’ll deprive yourself of something you need, whatever. but healing isn’t linear, its wibbly wobbly and weird. you’re not terrible for messing up, you’re not terrible for not being ready to move forward, you’re not terrible for not being perfect. you still deserve healing, and you still deserve respect.
abusive dad, approaching at random: WHY DIDN’T YOU GET THIS THING DONE ALREADY?!
me: what? you didn’t tell me to do it
abusive dad: DOES EVERYTHING NEED TO BE DRAWN OUT FOR YOU?? YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE TOLD!! HOW OLD ARE YOU?? CAN’T YOU DO ONE SIMPLE THING??
me: so you can’t even be expected to tell me when you want me to get something done? i’m supposed to read your mind?
abusive dad: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING?!!
me, internally: wtf even is this. was this just an excuse to scream at me. ah. thats what it was.
Continuar lendo
I really cannot emphasize enough the mental health benefits of abandoning the idea that you're special.
One of the most challenging things I’ve had to learn is that healing must be intentional. There is no one golden day that comes and saves you from all your misery. Healing is a practice. You have to decide that it’s what you want to do and actively do it. You have to make a habit out of it. Once I learned that, I only looked back to see how far I came.