That Feeling When You Start A New Psych Med And You're Not Sure If You're Becoming Manic Or If This Is

feeling trapped

i think one of the things i'm struggling with the most is the feeling of being trapped. it's what the majority of my nightmares focus on, either with memories of real events or invented trauma-based dream nonsense, but i haven't parsed out exactly why this is such an issue for me still.

for all intents and purposes, i'm not trapped anymore. i've been out of that environment since 2008. i've been no-contact with my abusers since 2018. i'm married, living in a different county, in my own house with my partner and two dogs. i am the least trapped i've ever been.

though i do feel trapped in my body- it's maddening sometimes, having to deal with my chronic illness and disability on top of this mental health baggage. it's frustrating. but i don't really think that's what the issue is, with this trapped feeling.

i know it somehow relates to my trauma, but i can't put my finger on why my brain feels the need to process this now. what even is there to process? i was trapped. often physically, always psychologically, but like why does my brain keep telling me there is something deeper about this that i'm not understanding? it's like having a word or phrase on the tip of my tongue. there is something but i don't know what.

one of the reasons my therapist suggested writing online, anonymously, is because my trapped feelings can be triggered when i want to talk about my trauma but get stuck in the potential consequences of doing so with my identity attached. my abusers have both, separately, threatened me with lawsuits should i ever attempt to report them again or go public with my story. defamation, libel, countersuits if charges are pressed again. as if i would even want to go through the trauma of legal proceedings, all over again, since all it ever did was make my life harder. that court experience was worse than some of the rapes i remember.

so i'm writing, to see if putting this out into the world helps this feeling. or maybe it will help something else inside of me. part of me wonders if i'm just using it as an excuse to lean into the trauma more, since feeling broken down is more comforting than feeling strong, even now. the pain of it feels safe.

it's interesting. I see the youth worry about getting old to the point where they think 30 is old, 35 is old, 40 is old, while to me, getting older is a luxury I never thought I would have. older means I'm still here. older means I made it through things I didn't think I would. older means I have more chances. I rather like older, thank you very much.

The deep ache in my chest when I hear that family members who claim to love me are traveling to visit my trafficker (mom).

The degree to which I wish she would just fucking die already.

“Baked pies instead of my face”???????

BABE WHERE I WANNA KNOWWW

this is from the second light novel im p sure but bro

This is going to be a hot take to some, but I think people with CDDs should step back from using online platforms and avoid them if they're too sensitive to getting influenced by them. Especially if they're a newly discovered DID person.

Like genuinely... My experience with DID (symptoms wise) was funnily enough better before I discovered I had it because yeah, I had really bad barriers, but I wasn't constantly encouraged into amplifying them?

With that I mean that I often see public platforms encouraging and promoting splitting alters? Which for me it just resulted in having me and my own alters even more confused about everything?

Genuinely, I still struggle with this shit it's so annoying, because my first instinct is to separate myself more and more instead of at least lowering the dissociative barriers. And seeing public spaces completely encouraging it and in general encouraging stuff like "sourcemates only chat" is just- idk... I don't think that's how you treat dissociative barriers? Feeding into introjects believing they ARE that character/person is the same thing as just believing that character from that universe was taken out of it and put in your head which is completely nonsensical for DID. It can certainly FEEL that way but it is not-

Happy to help, glad it is informative :)

I think it depends! I'm not sure how it was before I was able to integrate with that part of myself, so I can only speak to what I can actually remember. But for the times I remember, it's very mixed. I'll know that I'm talking to my husband, but I'll be absolutely convinced he's angry at me (which is untrue), that I'm somehow unsafe (also untrue), and that I need to defend myself (never true with him tbh). If I'm aware enough to have the insight that I'm wrong, then I'm also frustrated/confused/angry about not being in control enough to use logic to control my behavior- but I don't always have that insight. So I'd say, usually, I am in the mindset of the past while being aware that I'm not physically in the past.

From what my husband has told me, during the times I have amnesia for, it sounds like I have no idea what's happening but I still know who he is and where I am. But he's said that I don't make any sense, like he will have me try to explain why I'm upset, and I can't really coherently put my thoughts together.

I remember one episode where I had been triggered by several things, and we were standing in the kitchen, and I was saying really awful horrible things to him- like he was trying to upset me on purpose, he was gaslighting me, etc- but he'd say "can you tell me why you think that?" And I couldn't. I don't remember how we had gotten to the kitchen, or what he had said that allegedly upset me. And I KNEW I was wrong, and I really wanted to stop yelling at him, but I felt so out of control. Like somebody else was operating my body, even though obviously I was operating myself lol. So I literally turned around, grabbed the handles of the kitchen cabinet, and yelled for like 15 seconds.

And then my sweet husband was like "yeah! You tell that trauma!" So then I laughed and then had a panic attack. And then we made dinner. An ordinary Thursday, lmfao.

Call for People who Have First Hand Experience with PTSD

(Part of The Research Game, question by @z-mizcellaneous-z)

We are wondering if anyone who has first-hand experience can share with us what PTSD flashbacks look or feel like to you, as well as what it might look like from the outside perspective (such as witnessed by friends/strangers).

(please only share if you're comfortable. You can also send me an anonymous ask instead!)

Everyone else, reblog this around until we can find someone who has the answer!

(Otherwise, there's a Youtube channel I know of that aims to spread awareness of PTSD and may help you here: https://youtu.be/vdLfrJSzMY8, though it's important to note she has Complex PTSD, which is slightly different and is characterized by prolonged trauma rather than a single event)

Fuck I am so far from okay right now

For no reason here is a library story

this speaks to me on a molecular level