7/4/19

What an odd unexpected morning...

Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.

What even am I to him? I’m tired of the questioning. Im just going to give up I guess. He’ll never love me the same way. Im just going to settle for my ex and forget any feelings I have for him. Im tired of being lonely and confused and unloved, my daydreams have become hell knowing it will never be real. Im done.

Love doesnt exist.

You’ll be fine, you h o n e y c o m b~

Who could ever hurt you? Who could be so

c o l d ?

You’ll be fine, oh h o n e y p i e~

Who could ever hurt you? Who could be so

u n k i n d ?

I got in a bit of work today. But also apparently I am having a sciatica flare up in my left leg. Not fun. Sharp pain from my back going down to my calf/side of my leg. But I have to sit here and get this work done. Bleh.

How to kill myself without making mom sad or my friends feel bad

If I live through my 20s, I’ll genuinely be surprised

The sobs that choke you up and keep you from breathing are the worst. The actual chunk of sadness that wells up into a knot in your throat is agony. 

I love him and this is not the scary part. He doesn’t love me and even this isn’t the scary part. The scary part is that I won’t be able to love anyone else like I love him

JustScribbledWords (via justscribbledwords)