I Cant Scrub Off The Black From My Lungs I Cant Wipe Pff The Taste From My Tongue

I’m bitter!

Looking in the mirror while dissociated like

I fucked around and my bpd ass caught feelings and now I think I have a new FP. Welp.

I got in a bit of work today. But also apparently I am having a sciatica flare up in my left leg. Not fun. Sharp pain from my back going down to my calf/side of my leg. But I have to sit here and get this work done. Bleh.

Bash in my brain

And make scream with pain

Then kick me once again

And say we’ll never part

I know too well

Im underneath your spell

So darling if you smell

Something burning

It’s my heart~

Take your cigarette from its holder

And burn your initials in my shoulder

Fracture my spine

And swear that you’re mine

As we dance to the

Masochism Tango!

Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.

Update

Have a nasty viral infection. They didnt tell me what it was but im sure its Herpangina. Fever rollercoaster, havent been able to eat or sleep in 4 days, sores all in my mouth and throat, swollen nodes and body pain. Shit sucks. All I want is my fp but hes extremely busy with work and school and we hardly have been talking at all and I just miss him so so much..Its hard for my brain not to scream im being abandoned and forgotten. I love him so much I dont want to be left behind..I wonder if he even misses me too..? Does he even think about me..?