Digital-dissociation-blog - Digital Dissociation

The hope cannot be found

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I hate when he holds me or shows me any affection. It feels dirty, wrong, unwanted. Most of the time I ignore it, but when It happens I feel like I’m cheating on you. I suppose that's a funny thought...We’re not even together, but... I still feel like I belong to you. I feel stuck between two worlds. I can’t help these feelings. I am so afraid of it welling up in me and threatening to spill. I’ve never felt a love like this before. I think I’ll love you forever, no matter what happens. You make me so happy. I wish I could tell you just how much you really mean to me... It’s been a while and I wish I knew how you feel about me at this point in time....but I am honestly too scared to attempt to ask at this point. I’m scared it might just be the same answer as before. If it is I would rather not know, and just stay happy in my daydreams. 

People Get Tired Of You Being Sick

When you first become ill, they will show you sympathy. They’ll send you cards and hope you get well soon. They’ll call or text to check in and see how you’re doing. They’ll cut you slack. They’ll be understanding when you have trouble keeping up. 

But once your illness becomes a chronic condition, they wonder why you can’t get better. They show impatience and frustration. They stop trying to include you in plans. They ask why you aren’t trying harder. They don’t get it. They just want you to be abled again so that you’re not inconveniencing them.

People get tired of you being sick, but they don’t stop to think that you’re probably fucking tired of being sick, too. They don’t take the time to think about how you’d love to just get over it. They don’t care enough to realize you didn’t choose this. 

Are you angry at me...? Is that why....? I’m sorry... I always pus h my luck dont i i am just so very stupid and im so stupid im sorry im soryr im sorry im sorryplease dont yell at me im sorry i promise... iw ont im sorry i always mess everything up