Having Some Anxiety And A Small Panic Attack Related To My Fear Of Heart Attacks So I Decided To Make

Now this is funny.

Music always moves me in such a way, nothing can compare. It makes me feel so alive, sending me to other worlds.

I’m gonna make a modern remake of Sleeping Beauty where this girl in high school develops Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, has to drop out of school and is asleep all the time and the one thing that really makes her feel better is gardening so she grows giant fucking thorn bushes in her back yard, like really alarmingly large and it’s kinda freaky and she’s in some repressive suburb and the neighbors complain, so her parents hire a guy to cut down the thorn bushes. Theyre weirdly resistant though and it’s a whole situation but whenever someone tries to talk to her about what she’s feeding them she’s like “oh, Mother, forgive me I feel faint I must lie down.” The bush-removal guy tries to flirt with her but she doesn’t seem to notice. He chalks it up to her being Young and Sheltered and Innocent but really she is a lesbian and is doing witchcraft in her dreams to make the thorn bushes grow back every night where he had cut them the previous day. Eventually they take over the neighbors’ yards and creep across everyone’s walls. They get under the houses and the roots start to collapse everyone’s plumbing. Luckily our forward-thinking hero has already installed a composting toilet. Her parents have actually moved out at this point but her plants are feeding her and helping her keep track of her meds so it’s fine. At the end of the film the herbicide guy gets torn apart by thorns while the girl lies serenely on the couch with her eyes closed and a smile on her face.

why are you staring? please stop it.

Crying is actually the fucking worst. Its fucking garbage. I would rather just. Fucking...Not. 

Just going to livetumbl my entire episode because I'm alone and might as fucking well.

People Get Tired Of You Being Sick

When you first become ill, they will show you sympathy. They’ll send you cards and hope you get well soon. They’ll call or text to check in and see how you’re doing. They’ll cut you slack. They’ll be understanding when you have trouble keeping up. 

But once your illness becomes a chronic condition, they wonder why you can’t get better. They show impatience and frustration. They stop trying to include you in plans. They ask why you aren’t trying harder. They don’t get it. They just want you to be abled again so that you’re not inconveniencing them.

People get tired of you being sick, but they don’t stop to think that you’re probably fucking tired of being sick, too. They don’t take the time to think about how you’d love to just get over it. They don’t care enough to realize you didn’t choose this. 

Every time I fuck something up I just want to die lol.

Bash in my brain

And make scream with pain

Then kick me once again

And say we’ll never part

I know too well

Im underneath your spell

So darling if you smell

Something burning

It’s my heart~

Take your cigarette from its holder

And burn your initials in my shoulder

Fracture my spine

And swear that you’re mine

As we dance to the

Masochism Tango!

me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway. 

me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.