I Have An Itch At The Back Of My Throat Only A Shotgun Can Scratch

I'm about to lock myself in the bathroom and cut. I'm talking with Z about A. we're trying to fucking find him. he's been on Spotify in the past week and Pinterest like a month ago.

is he ignoring us? but why? and for 3 months? did we do anything? if something is or was wrong, why couldn't he have just, I don't know, said something?! even if it's vague or blunt, anything would be better than this.

not being able to kill myself is the worst feeling

feeling like blocking everyone but that just feels like too much of a hassle and questions to answer so I'm just going to go off the grid again without telling anyone

im.fucked. I'm fucking fucked.

mom went through my room to look for something and found my box. of all my razors. AND FUCKING TOOK THEM.

she left a note of telling me to talk to her but how do I explain this shit!? how do I explain why I cut!? i don't even do it for normal reasons or depression at this point.

what do I say. oh yeah, I cut just for the hell of it? out of habit because I'm addicted? for the blood and scars? like yes, I do it when I'm upset and/or depression too, but not even I know why I do this anymore!?

shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up

i hate you, I hate you all

i wish everyone would shut the fuck up

introductions!

hi, first off, this is a major TW account. mainly sh and sui. if you're not comfortable, then please. get out. i do not encourage this behavior, im simply venting and screaming my thoughts and actions. i don't intend to get better. i am also not a good person, by any standards, morally and mentally.

I am 19 yrs

disc- decayed.forest

identity? no. | somehow I have two partners (A & Z) which I dont get how

i kin music so much -> aWannabe, Original God, Rivilin, Rebzyyx, Max Fry

bpd, depression, severe anxiety and social skill issues, adhd, idfk and idc. questioning aspd and szpd I don't know what's going on anymore

things I like -> classic and supercars, Minecraft, Skyrim, gore, blood, crp, cof

DNI: 13 and under - 40 and over. religious bs. ed/sh groups. generally free with anyone interacting

is it safe to take like.. 8 year old dietary pills you found in a drawer? they've never been opened before and im considering it..

also, they're huge. wtf.

i have always been fat. even as a kid. I've never known to see myself skinny or bones at all. i literally cannot imagine how I'd look skinny. and I fucking hate it. the issues should have been worse when I was younger, maybe that would've fucked my brain more and I could have done something right with my life.

i come back after a fucking week and no "what happens "are you okay" or anything from him. fucking bullshit. maybe I should leave again. I'm so tired, upset with everything and everyone. I don't know why I bother with anything.