silly scenario that i'm writing late at night in like 15 minutes. prob won't make sense.
family friend who stops by the house every couple of weeks to hang out with my parents
i've always thought she looked so cool, ever since i was a little kid... so pretty, she has cool hair, cool piercings, listens to cool music... everything about her is just so... cool! i want to be just like her.
she's always had a soft spot for me, always gave me praise when i was working hard on my schoolwork, gave me hugs and care like she was my real aunt or something.
she's always a bit handsy, grabbing my shoulders, holding my hand, ruffling my hair... but i'm too oblivious to notice. she slowly ramps up her touches, day by day, giving me so much praise to make me feel good and special... and then one day, she walks into my room after breaking away from my parents for a single moment and asks if i want her to make me feel even better.
the thought of feeling good, of spending even more time with her, fills me with joy. i eagerly agree, of course.
she asks me all sorts of weird questions like "do you find girls pretty?", "have you kissed any of them?", "do you think i'm pretty?" and the answers are all simple. yes, no, yes. she smirks when she hears the latter two.
she leans in a little bit closer, her eyes boring into my own with a sense of pride before they flicker down to my lips. before i can even say any more words, she closes the gap between our mouths, giving me my first kiss with the person i've always had a secret crush on. i hear about how this kind of thing is wrong, but it feels really good! after all, she's always so nice to me.
as the kiss deepens, my inexperienced lips struggle to keep up. i feel her tongue brushing up against the seam of my lips but she appears to think better of it and gently breaks the kiss with a gasp, our mouths still connected by a string of saliva. she smiles softly and whispers in my ear, asking me if it felt good. i nod eagerly, my cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink, as she stands back up fully as if nothing weird happened.
she tells me that if i want to do more of that, it'll have to wait for a while because she spends so much time with my parents. and she reminds me that i'm not allowed to tell anyone about this, that it'll be our little secret.
i nod in agreement, so excited to be doing grown-up stuff with someone as pretty as her. i tell her that my parents are going out on a date tomorrow night so we can continue it then. the thought of being truly alone with me seems to strike a chord within her, but she quickly buries it with a caring smile and agrees.
and as quickly as the moment came, she leaves my room with a soft click, leaving me wondering if that really happened. but i guess that i can only look forward to tomorrow night, hoping i really get to see her again with a ch1ldlik3 wonder and anticipation in my chest.
sorry guys i'm actually just a clump of conscious cells in a petri dish... i'm sorry for lying to you all.
addendum:
it goes beyond like degradation and stuff, i'm just really terrible at making myself get over the anxiety of doing something. i guess i'm just so afraid of people not liking me for something i do. is that normal..?
sometimes i wonder if i'm too nice for my own good
as much as i love the IDEA of doing it, i'm really awful at degrading people because i want everyone to feel good :D
it mostly comes from a place of anxiety, i guess. like a voice in the back of my head that tells me that everything i'm doing is wrong.
oh what a dilemma i have found myself in... i'd appreciate any tips if people have them, mostly about swallowing that anxiety (even though i don't think anyone would really read this)
hickeys from an older woman ughhhh
being marked and claimed by a mother or older sister, hell, even a family friend. them telling me it's just them 'showing me how much i mean to them...'
for the record, i don't bruise very easily
'cept hickeys, but even then you need to try pretty hard.
probably gonna be listening to a lot of skramz to keep myself awake today. ama :3
older woman with tattoos/piercings who gets me drunk/high save me
save me older woman with tattoos/piercings who gets me drunk/high
i figure that i should put a kind of warning, even though the content isn't particularly triggering... mentions of f4uxc3st and stuff. and if you don't want to read a slightly depressive and introspective ramble, please just don't read it. thank you :)
i'm starting to think that my interest in f4uxc3st is spread primarily from the fact that i'm the youngest sibling of four. i suppose i just always felt like i've never gotten enough attention nor time alone with my thoughts, let alone talking to other people who i can share my thoughts and feelings with.
that and the feeling of being the youngest always made me wish i was older. the way i've always kind of forced myself into acting older than i am to connect with people who would actually understand me. i've always wanted to protect someone, to be an older sibling, but i've also never gotten the real experience of being treated to an actual childhood.
being autistic certainly hasn't helped that either. it's just forced me to feel ostracized from others and want a deeper connection to the people who are supposed to be closest to me.
or maybe i just think that it's hot! who knows??? and also i'm super mentally ill and have basically no concept of right and wrong beyond the basics!!
shorty got me sayin oh my stars
i would literally be so easy to kidnap
just tell me you're going to give me sour patch watermelons and the world will never see me again
and it'd take me like a solid 30 minutes of being in the van until i realize that there never were any sour patch watermelons