John And Jack If He Hadn't Run Away For A Whole Year Lmao (my Art, I Have A Different Username Literally

Bat and Super dynamics are interesting and all but Bat and Wonder dynamics are fucking hilarious cause from what I've gathered, when you strip them to their bare essentials you've got;

Diana: You could just kill them and stop them from hurting those you love.

Bruce: I get the urge sometimes, but my moral code-

Diana, understands why he has the code but that doesn't mean she agrees with it: Pussy.

--

Donna: aim for the head!

Dick, knowing full well it'll kill the guy but his faith in Donna overrides his logic: okay!

Dick, after killing him: oh my God :( why did you tell me to do that :( he's dead now :(

Donna: it's okay. He was a horrible guy.

Dick: oh okay. I believe you.

--

Artemis: we're killing them.

Jason: I'm so in love with you that it like physically hurts sometimes.

--

Cassie: we should just kill these fucking people

Tim: hell yeah let's do it

Cassie: not gonna question it?

Tim: why would I?

--

I'm sure there's a case about morality and dynamics to be made here but this is just so funny to me

Hal: I think we should get a divorce.

Barry: What are you doing?

Hal: Just practicing.

Barry: Why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

Hal: I don't know. I'm 42, I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Barry: You don't even have a partner.

Hal: Hypothetically divorce me.

Barry: Okay, then I'm hypothetically taking half your assets.

Hal: Well you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup.

Hal, to Bruce: It's called a prenup, right?

Bruce: Yeah, it's a prenup and you DID hypothetically sign one.

Barry: Who the fuck is this guy?

Bruce: I'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case.

Barry: Well then, I'm taking the hypothetical kids.

Barry, to Clark: Right? We can get those, right?

Clark: Yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it.

Hal: Who the fuck is this hypothetical nerd? Fucking idiot glasses-wearing nerd.

Clark: Wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. I need to keep these on for continuity because I look like the other lawyer.

Barry: This is MY hypothetical lawyer and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other.

Hal: How could you hypothetically do this to me?!

Barry: Because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!

BatFam Twitter #3 / Batchat #3

Batfam's most suggested lunch spots

Dick: Bruce's office mini fridge after an important business outing

Jason: a Crime Alley dumpster where he once found a whole bag of gummy worms when he was ten

Tim: Jason's place after texting him from a burner number pretending to be Roy and Lian

Damian: Ivy's house—she makes vegan food with her worst-behaved plants

Duke: the only working vending machine at Gotham High, inside the teacher's lounge

Cullen: the Batburgers in the gay neighborhood with a secret Batwoman menu

Stephanie: the Waffle House where she was forced to out herself as Spoiler because robbers held it up in the middle of her meal, but to her surprise everyone in the restaurant agreed to keep her secret

Cassandra: the 24-hour convenience stores in Hong Kong where she can get an entire meal for the price of a bag of chips in America

Barbara: the GCPD break room—turns out tax dollars are paying for catering

Harper: everyone talks about Ma Kent's baking but not enough folks appreciate Pa's grilling

Carrie: a boardwalk vendor who combined pretzels and nachos

Kate: the Justice League cafeteria when it's Flash Fries Friday

Alfred: you would think he'd say his own cooking but it's actually the chicken shop near his old school

Selina: Arkham—she never wants to go back but she can't help but be nostalgic for her favorite mush

Bruce: he would say Alfred's cooking if Alfred hadn't flown back to England for chicken, so the next best is the steakhouse inside Wayne Enterprises

Some Kansan things I think Clark and the other supers from Kansas would say or do, by a Kansan:

Yee Yee: an exclamation said before one does something exciting, such as hunting, fishing, or shotgunning

Ope let me squeeze right on past ya there, sorry

Yeehaw: definitely said while flying around.

Have overly weird "salads". I don't even know how or why they are classified as salads, but that's what we call them. (Smth like lime jello salad)

Clark as a teen has definitely tried weed. There is jack fucking shit to do in KS but fight and do drugs (in gas station parking lots). That's how he knows drugs don't work on him. He tried them.

Aldis.

Brooding in fields.

Trader Joe's!

They all know way too much about different types of grass. Just going to school in Kansas does that to ya.

*grabs wild animal* this here is a friendly lil guy, innhe? *animal is biting, hissing, and spitting*

Yes to the overly politeness, even if they don't like someone. But if they don't like someone, it's passive aggressive. So, so passive aggressive.

That's all I can think of for now. There are probably more.

I remember seeing posts about Jason's goons being older than him and them realizing "Oh fuck, our boss is a child"

And now I'm just thinking about Jason venting to them every now and then because they're all collectively like "idk where this kid's parents or emotional support beams are, so ig it'll just be us"

So just imagine Jason returning to his base after a heated argument with Bruce and immediately going to his goons to wail about how badly he's been wronged

Jason, sobbing: And he just doesn't get it! *Sniff* I just wanted him to avenge me to prove he still loves me!

Goon #47, rubbing Jason's back: Mhmm

Jason: A-And I don't even ask for much! I just want him to bash in the skull of the man who killed me! Is that such a hard request?

Goon #47, texting the goon gc and telling them all to get their shit ready cuz theyre about to serve some roasted bat for dinner with a side of clown: Not at all, boss :)

actually though. various (sfw) kryptonian biology headcanons that skirt right up to human-passing

- higher base body temperature

- pupils that aren’t black but instead shaded slightly in the color of the iris. all kryptonians have unnaturally vivid eyes but it’s hard to tell exactly why unless you’re literally gazing into them

- tapetum lucidum (reflective eyes like animals) a bit harder to get away with, but are extremely funny because clark often does the maneuver where he’ll stand in front of a car to stop it, and this would make seeing him like seeing a deer but 10000000% worse

- they are actually bioluminescent it’s just that under normal circumstances it’s in the ultraviolet and we can’t see it. clark goes off to a blue sun mission and comes back looking halfway to electric blue superman. glowing stripes and freckles

- non-newtonian dynamic to their skin/flesh where it gets harder with more force applied; nothing unusual to the feeling of a normal handshake, but a punch thrown with force will break bone

- retractable fangs au because bonus teef are fun

- i swear some comic somewhere said something about nose gills

- solar lymphatic system primarily distributed along the spine. the entire spine lighting up with heat vision…

- they can collapse/skrunkle their spine a few inches; helpful with secret identity, but it restricts range of motion so it has the side benefit of making them a little clumsier

- blood tinged gold with stored solar energy

- just enough extra twist in their neck to enter uncanny valley territory - not quite looking straight behind but enough to be creepy as hell. kara would do this all the time

- golden age face squooshing. i do not think this should come back but it was actual canon for a while that they could just contort their faces. again creepy as fuck

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

Jason todd, but australian

if he studied in his years abroad in the outback and not Europe and Asia.

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Bruce: Jason, stay here, you aren’t cleared for patrol. Jason: You’re dreaming, mate. Give me a fair go. Bruce: You have a serious concussion. Jason: She’ll be right. Pop some panadol and fuck right out.

- Jason: Awww fuck, I’m fanging for a cuppa. Dick: Jason, I’m begging you.

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Jason after being punched: He’s built like a brick shithouse, I’ll tell ya that.

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Bomb about to explode Jason: GUN IT! Tim: DON’T SHOOT IT! Jason running away: BOLT, ASSHOLE, BOLT.

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Barbara: Hood, do you need backup?  Jason: Yeah nah. 

Humpty Dumpty slander