One Evening, In The Sky, A Message Appeared: “In 24 Hours, A Billionaire Will Die.” Everyone Everywhere

Bedtime Story.

Short story by Jeffery Whitmore! Wanted to make this into a comic for a while :] just in a girl boss sorta mood hehe

thumbs + bonus :^))

I would like to hear the story of how you slept under the christmas tree

so i immigrated to the US at age 9, right, and one of the first things my family did was join the local Chinese church. as far as the whole “figuring out how to do things so we no longer have to live in the back shed of Uncle Joe’s* Magic Emporium” thing goes, it’s a pretty sound strategy! now we had people to teach my dad how to drive and give us old furniture and say “hey, Seattle is pretty rainy maybe you should rent an apartment-like space before either a) the shed roof caves in b) your daughter with the famously delicate constitution falls dramatically ill from a strain of black mold or possibly herpes”

*is not my uncle, that’s what his store was called. he sold magic gadgets and my dad knew him because???? possibly in a past life they ran a meth empire in Albuquerque, who knows

ANYWAY. thanks to the church i did not fall dramatically ill from black mold or possibly herpes, but there was an unforeseen factor in joining a Christian church, which was that they? were pretty hardcore? about Jesus?**

**in a nice “we build houses for the homeless” way, not in…the other way

given that we’d just immigrated and that China’s religious policy is worshiping Mao’s preserved corpse ehhhhh…let’s call it “freedom of atheism,” my family was decidedly not hardcore about Jesus. my parents mostly took the bemused “i guess Jesus is okay since he indirectly led to us living in a place suited for human habitation” route, but i

was

DISGUSTED.

i was the first kid in my class to get her red scarf, okay, and when we sang the national anthem and saluted the flag every morning i fucking meant what i was singing. we almost didn’t come to America; my dad had more lucrative job offers in Germany and Belgium, but i put my foot down because everyone knows Europe is full of gross imperialists Dad, GOSH, and the Americans helped us fight off the Japanese.

so seeing all these fellow Chinese believing in THE CAPITALIST GOD was basically the worst thing to ever happen to my delicate psyche. my parents’ tacit approval was even worse: DID PATRIOTISM AND COMMUNISM MEAN NOTHING TO THEM? DIDN’T THEY KNOW THAT DOING NOTHING AGAINST OPPRESSION MADE THEM OPPRESSORS THEMSELVES??

clearly something needed to be done.

so because the church was pretty hardcore about Jesus, it was understandably also hardcore about Christmas. big party, massive intricately decorated REAL TREE, sleepover for the kids with presents in the morning—you name it. everyone was going to be there.

WHAT A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE TO EVERYONE HOW WRONG THEY ARE ABOUT JESUS.

my plan:

sleep UNDER the giant real Christmas tree: y’know, the one with real pointy needles reaching all the way down to the base? that sheds? with lots of pokey tinsel?

catch Jesus in the act of depositing presents***: look. i’d seen like, ALL of Scooby Doo by this point. i knew Jesus was probably a real person, just not the Son of God.

subdue Jesus so he’s still around when everyone else wakes up: CLEARLY VERY FEASIBLE, given that Jesus was a heavyset white dude who used superhuman agility and strength to deliver presents around the world overnight and possibly had reindeer minions and i weighed 70 pounds at most while sopping wet.

(who is Santa Claus?? who cares)

????

EVERYONE MAGICALLY BECOMES AN ATHEIST AGAIN, AMERICA BECOMES A COMMUNIST STATE

***even if i didn’t believe in him, why was i slavishly devoted stopping a highly altruistic man who gave? people? presents? did i hate joy????

sure enough, at around 3 in the morning i heard soft boots approaching the tree. i reached out and snatched one of the Ankles of Jesus

—whereupon Youth Pastor Liao screamed “OH MY LORD” and kicked me in the face.

and THAT, dear friends, is how i spent my first Christmas in America with a concussion.

After 2hrs of swearing and 4hrs of drawing

The earth is about to be struck by a giant, extinction level sized meteor. But fortunately, scientists and the military have been preparing for precisely this situation for decades - they have everything they need to save every person on earth! But wait..! A powerful political group calling themselves the Means Testers have made an objection: “If we save everyone on earth,” they argue, “then that means Trump and some billionaires would also be saved. Do you really want to save them too?” After prolonged and intense twitter debates, and after the billionaires and their servants have safely fled to another habitable planet, the Reagan Democratic Party that is in control of Congress decides that, no, it’s a risk too great to take. Even if it means saving everyone on planet earth, it is not worth the risk that even one wealthy person might be saved. Everyone dies needlessly. Except the wealthy.

—Pyrrhic victories

tumblr tuesday: the greatest mafia movie

There's so much lore. An original soundtrack (masterlist here, thanks to @thisisnotjuli). It all began with a pair of boots. Then, a movie poster by @beelzeebub:

And here's how it's going:

@ms-musers:

@lspy:

@monsterhospital:

@waldwynde:

@fireleaptfromhousetohouse:

@mjulmjul:

@marella-moon:

@holl-horse:

@bricktoygrapher:

@greenscircus:

@theshitpostcalligrapher:

@sweetdollface:

@onion-souls:

@onemagpie:

@gregspectations:

@mimiadraws:

@flurgburgler:

@shrugsinchinese:

@runfreebirdrun:

@when-sanpape-arts:

@marblellous:

@ynngaa:

@vanwizard:

@inthefallofasparrow:

@1percentcharge:

And lastly, before she was Wonderwoman, @reallyndacarter was "Dancer #2." She has kindly revealed this hitherto unreleased photo from the world premier of the film:

Obsessed with Goncharov? Need more? If you want to join in, please be sure to use the tags #goncharov (for posterity) and #unreality (for those who need it). Take care out there!

my bf and I have the same fucking brain

I'll tell you what's problematic about being over 40 and being friends with someone under 25: if you say "but I am le tired" they do not understand that they are supposed to say "well have a nap AND ZEN FIRE ZE MISSILES"

PRONOUN RESOURCES!

WIki pages:

Exipronoun • Neopronoun • Nounself • Emojiself • Xenopronoun

Wiki lists:

Alphabetical: A • B • C • D • E • F • G • H • I • J K • L • M • N • O P • Q • R • S • T • U • V • W • X • Y • Z Theme: Misc • Animal • Alphabet • Nature • Atmosphere • Horror • Mystery • Element • Nobility • Creature • Divinity • Zodiac • Technology • Human Body • Sleep • Sound • Fictional Being • Color • Shape • Boat • Class • Mashup • Space • Cute • Art • Fandom • Heat • Food • Geography • Transportation • Object • Fabric & Material • Steampunk • Time • Partial • Adjective Emoji:  Smileys & People • Animals & Nature • Food & Drink • Activity • Travel & Places • Objects • Symbols • Flags

Everypronoun is my Tumblr, you are here! I reblog everything related to pronouns here and take requests for pronoun flags and suggest pronouns based on what you provide me! All of the flags and stuff that I reblog here will eventually go on the Wiki, but if you can’t find what you want on the Wiki, look over here and try searching the blog! For example, here’s the thon tag, where you can find posts about the history of thon/thons and everything else.

Nounself.carrd.co - A Carrd I wrote with some basic history, explanations, and defense of neopronouns.

Pronouns.minus.18 - A game where you can practice using different pronouns.

Practice With Pronouns - Another game where you practice different pronouns, also includes Night Vale quotes.

En.pronouns.page - List your pronouns, names, preferred terms and more to easily share with other people.

Pronouny.xyz - List your pronouns and browse pronouns others have added.

Pronoun Dressing Room - Pick a pronoun set or write in your own, and have it used in sentences taken from literature.

Assign Me - Feel free to use this section of our forum to ask for people to try out pronouns for you, or suggest pronouns. (There’s also a channel by the same name in our Discord!)

Pronoun Flag Template - My proposal for a standard pronoun flag.

(Pronoun-provider and pronouns-archive aren’t listed here, although they are useful resources, but we’re aiming to have every pronoun they have on our Wiki and more, and I reblog every pronoun coining post from both blogs here anyway, so.)

If you know of any other useful resources feel free to comment them!