I Would Like To Hear The Story Of How You Slept Under The Christmas Tree

I would like to hear the story of how you slept under the christmas tree

so i immigrated to the US at age 9, right, and one of the first things my family did was join the local Chinese church. as far as the whole “figuring out how to do things so we no longer have to live in the back shed of Uncle Joe’s* Magic Emporium” thing goes, it’s a pretty sound strategy! now we had people to teach my dad how to drive and give us old furniture and say “hey, Seattle is pretty rainy maybe you should rent an apartment-like space before either a) the shed roof caves in b) your daughter with the famously delicate constitution falls dramatically ill from a strain of black mold or possibly herpes”

*is not my uncle, that’s what his store was called. he sold magic gadgets and my dad knew him because???? possibly in a past life they ran a meth empire in Albuquerque, who knows

ANYWAY. thanks to the church i did not fall dramatically ill from black mold or possibly herpes, but there was an unforeseen factor in joining a Christian church, which was that they? were pretty hardcore? about Jesus?**

**in a nice “we build houses for the homeless” way, not in…the other way

given that we’d just immigrated and that China’s religious policy is worshiping Mao’s preserved corpse ehhhhh…let’s call it “freedom of atheism,” my family was decidedly not hardcore about Jesus. my parents mostly took the bemused “i guess Jesus is okay since he indirectly led to us living in a place suited for human habitation” route, but i

was

DISGUSTED.

i was the first kid in my class to get her red scarf, okay, and when we sang the national anthem and saluted the flag every morning i fucking meant what i was singing. we almost didn’t come to America; my dad had more lucrative job offers in Germany and Belgium, but i put my foot down because everyone knows Europe is full of gross imperialists Dad, GOSH, and the Americans helped us fight off the Japanese.

so seeing all these fellow Chinese believing in THE CAPITALIST GOD was basically the worst thing to ever happen to my delicate psyche. my parents’ tacit approval was even worse: DID PATRIOTISM AND COMMUNISM MEAN NOTHING TO THEM? DIDN’T THEY KNOW THAT DOING NOTHING AGAINST OPPRESSION MADE THEM OPPRESSORS THEMSELVES??

clearly something needed to be done.

so because the church was pretty hardcore about Jesus, it was understandably also hardcore about Christmas. big party, massive intricately decorated REAL TREE, sleepover for the kids with presents in the morning—you name it. everyone was going to be there.

WHAT A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE TO EVERYONE HOW WRONG THEY ARE ABOUT JESUS.

my plan:

sleep UNDER the giant real Christmas tree: y’know, the one with real pointy needles reaching all the way down to the base? that sheds? with lots of pokey tinsel?

catch Jesus in the act of depositing presents***: look. i’d seen like, ALL of Scooby Doo by this point. i knew Jesus was probably a real person, just not the Son of God.

subdue Jesus so he’s still around when everyone else wakes up: CLEARLY VERY FEASIBLE, given that Jesus was a heavyset white dude who used superhuman agility and strength to deliver presents around the world overnight and possibly had reindeer minions and i weighed 70 pounds at most while sopping wet.

(who is Santa Claus?? who cares)

????

EVERYONE MAGICALLY BECOMES AN ATHEIST AGAIN, AMERICA BECOMES A COMMUNIST STATE

***even if i didn’t believe in him, why was i slavishly devoted stopping a highly altruistic man who gave? people? presents? did i hate joy????

sure enough, at around 3 in the morning i heard soft boots approaching the tree. i reached out and snatched one of the Ankles of Jesus

—whereupon Youth Pastor Liao screamed “OH MY LORD” and kicked me in the face.

and THAT, dear friends, is how i spent my first Christmas in America with a concussion.

Stripper Tutorial Masterpost

The links are in order from beginner to advanced. Most of this is aimed towards dancers-to-be or baby strippers, so there aren’t many complicated moves on here. Also, please note that this list is incomplete. I will be adding to the Bootywork and Lapdance sections in given time and as I find better videos/tutorials. FLOORWORK: Sexy Worm (with Spin Sity) The Dive (with Spin Sity) The Clock (with Spin Sity) Crawl (with Pole 2go) Goddess Rising (with Pole2go) Outside Tick-tock Clock Variation (with Pole2go) Leg Peels (with Pole2go) Floor Fan Kick (with Pole2go) Backwards Shoulder Roll (with Melonie) Four Ways to Get Up From the Floor (with Dirdy Birdy) Twisted Grip Floor Roll Down (with Dirdy Birdy) Intermediate Drop & Roll (with Cleo the Hurricane) Advanced Pole Press Handstand (with Cleo the Hurricane) POLEWORK: Basic Walk (with Pole2go) Eternal Pole Walk (with Pole2go) Figure 8 Walk (with Pole2go) Hip Circles (with Pole2go) Booty Dips (with Pole2go) Pole Plie (with Pole2go) Beginner Fireman Variations (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Sunwheel/Ankle Hook (with Dirdy Birdy Beginner Pole Climb (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Pole Sit (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Pole Plank/Layback (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Angel Spin (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Fan Kick (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Cradle/Cradle V Spin (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Pirouette Variations Inner and Outer Grip (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Bodyrolls (with Dirdy Birdy) Beginner Invert and Exercises Before (with Dirdy Birdy) Intermediate Gemini Aka Outside Leg Hang (with Dirdy Birdy) Intermediate Scorpio Aka Inside Leg Hang (with Dirdy Birdy) Tips for Using a Spinning Pole (with Veena) Static Pole Spins (with Veena) Back Arch Slide (with Pole2go) The Wrist Seat (with Pole2go) Corkscrew Spin (with Pole2go) How to Shoulder Mount (with Blush Dance) Jade (with Muse Fitness) Jade Split (with Cleo the Hurricane) BOOTYWORK: How to Twerk For Non-Twerkers (with Firestarter) How to Twerk Tutorial and Leg/Booty Workout (with Keaira Lashae) Ass Clap 101 (with Imani Rose) Booty Pop on Floor (with Amy Shi) Booty Flexing Exercise (with Empre$$)

STRENGTH/FLEXIBILITY/STRETCHING Beginner Pole Strengthening Exercises (with Dakota Foxx) Back Stretches/Flexibility Training (with Dirdy Birdy) Four Exercises Every Pole Dancer Should Know (with Veena) Tips For Splits and Hips (with Veena) Stretching for the Splits (with Veena)

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chaosandpeace

3 years ago

New superhero: Crime Man.

He stops crimes exclusively by comitting crimes. He out-crimes the criminals.

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chaosandpeace

3 years ago

So Many People Wouldn’t Have Asthma In The First Place If It Wasn’t For These Corporations…Shifting

So many people wouldn’t have asthma in the first place if it wasn’t for these corporations…Shifting blame from actual culprits to people with asthma (and people who can’t help but use plastic straws at that) is peak capitalism.

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chaosandpeace

2 years ago

A really harrowed-looking man who was probably in his 60s came into the shop today. He was wearing a gold-colored tie that kept sliding down the side of his neck because it was tied very poorly, and a rumpled light blue dress shirt. I did not see his legs or shoes. Part-time cashiers are sometimes just not afforded the luxury.

We said hello to each other as I scanned his items (diet coke and a nature valley granola bar- $2.69), me sounding more interested than usual just because he sounded so out-of breath and very engaged in his purchase. Also maybe because I could not see his shoes.

“How’s your life going?” He suddenly asked, swiping his card, not casually but almost pleadingly curious.

“Uhm, all right I s’pose” I said, too startled to think of a more cheery lie.

He nodded somberly. “Me too… I guess.” He paused and looked at me for a minute and then just said “it’s a Monday, ya know.”

“Mondays are like this sometimes” I supplied, feeling like we were having a really weird conversation hidden under the one that was actually taking place.

And then he left. I forgot to look at his shoes.

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chaosandpeace

3 years ago