It’s Alright If You Are Having A Bad Day, Or If You Are Having A Lot Of Bad Days In A Row. It’s Okay

In highschool I wrote a story about a middle-generation of stellar travelers. Their parents were born on earth and left as children, and the middle generation will not live long enough to see their destination. They live their entire lives on the ship and I wrote about them trying to find their place in everything. They will never know blue skies and warm beaches and open fields with warm breezes. They’ll never know birdsong or crickets or frogs. They’ll never hear the rain on the roof of a dreary day. I never could find the right way to end the story. I wanted it to be a happy ending, but I didn’t know how to do it.

I realize now that it was a book about me dealing with depression before I even knew it. Looking back at how blatant the projecting was, it’s obvious now. It wasn’t then.

In the story, the middle-generation people are lost. They’re apathetic. They’re just a placeholder. The only job they have is to keep the ship running, have kids, and die. As the middle generation of people began becoming adults, suicide rates were skyrocketing. Crime and drug rates were jumping. This generation was completely apathetic because they felt that they had no use.

In the story, a small group of people in the middle-generation create the Weather Project. They turn the ship into a terrarium. They make magnificent gardens and take the DNA of animals they took with them and recreate them and they make this cold, metal spaceship that they have to live their entire lives on into a home. They take what little they have and they break it and rearrange it into something beautiful. They take this radical idea and turn the ship into a wonderful jungle of trees and birds and sunshine.

And I realize now how much it reflects my state of mind as I transitioned from a child into an adult while dealing with depression. You always hear “it gets better” and “when you’re older things will be easier” and I was so sick of waiting for it to get better. I was in the middle-generation stage. And I was sick of it. I was so sick of waiting.

When I was in highschool I didn’t know how to end the story. I didn’t know how to have a happy ending. I didn’t have the life experience then to finish the story in a meaningful way. I didn’t know how to make it better for these middle-generation characters.

But now that I’m older, I’m learning. That if you sit and wait for things to get better, it never will. You have to take your life and break it apart and rearrange it into something beautiful. You have to make the cold metal ship into the garden that you deserve. You have to make your own meaning. You have to plant your own garden.

You have to teach yourself that being happy is not a radical idea.

So I’m aware I haven’t really posted anything in a while but I hope this reaches someone. My brother’s name is Efren. Growing up he used to tease and make fun of me, but among all the teasing he also helped raise me along with our mom. When he was little he wanted to be an architect. But his is the story that a lot of Mexican American working class families face: either take the opportunities available to you to attain your dreams, or curtail those in order to take care of your family. He chose his family. After graduating high school he turned down full ride scholarships in order to stay and work to help pay the bills. It was just him, my mom, and me. After a couple of years we got stable enough economically that he was able to go to college, but after graduation we fell on hard times again and instead of finding work in his field or applying to architecture school like he always dreamed, he decided to stick around and help us again. It’s because of his choice to help our family that I was able to go to college too, something that for a time I didn’t think was possible. It’s because of him that I was able to apply to and get accepted into a PhD program in the hopes of becoming a professor. It’s because of him that my mom has a house to call her own. My mom and I owe him everything. Yesterday, he was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). He’s uninsured. I’m a student, our mom works in childcare. There’s a high success rate for remission if he gets treatment, but we can’t afford it. He’s all me and my mom have, and we can’t lose him. He chose family growing up, and it’s my turn to choose him. Please, any donation helps. I just want him to come home.

I know times are tough with covid and everything so if anyone could please just spare a dollar or a reblog thatd be great. I can’t lose him.

paypal.com/Yulenni

cash.me/$pastandfuturequeen

venmo: @Yulenni

https://gofund.me/832d4f6e

Accidentally annoying someone doesn't make you a horrible person and you don't have to spend your whole life censoring yourself to prevent it from ever happening.

This can save lives of many Black people who were wrongly convicted and arrested on drug possession charges. Please spread!

One of the themes of self love is being gentle instead of judgemental. We have given ourselves a hard enough time. We have the greatest authority over ourselves, which is why a hundred complements from others can still leave us wondering our worth and why we wonderful people can do and say awesome stuff but are convinced that as long as we love others it doesnt matter how bad we feel about oursevles.

If we dont approve and give the okay to love ourselves then we wont respond. Our bodies respond to our choices in little ways, just by saying, maybe its possible I misunderstood myself and I could actually be a pretty cool person, it allows a small bridge between that small mental land of self hatred and the great land that is self love, plenty of more fun there. Probability allows our brain to percieve possibility instead of trying to say I should love myself as a statment against our mental walls of I shouldnt love myself that wont easily break down. Self love isnt conditional, we dont win at life to love ourselves we love oursevles to win. Self love is difficult because it is its own life style, its a new way of thinking and doing so it wont feel natural, self hate was the normal, but normal isnt necessarily the right way of doing things, see what its like on the other side, lets do oursevles a favor and see what this new way of life has to offer.

Just a friendly reminder that you don’t have to have it all figured out today or tomorrow… Just do you and go at your own pace. You’ll eventually get to where you are going. 

It came to my attention that many people don’t know this, so I decided to make a PSA in meme form. Yes, citrus can interfere with ADHD meds. It’s because of the high Vitamin C.

Remember these dates. #StudentLoans

#CancelStudentDebt