One Time The Bat Kids Hung Out In The Cave While B Was At A JL Meeting. The Whole Place Was Covered In

Was doing something unrelated but

Can you imagine a world where nobody knows the batkids are actually Batman's children and hence, when they hear them yelling at each other "I'll report this to Batman!" They think it's actually serious team discussion

And they don't know that for them it literally translates into "I'm telling dad!"

Like, You see Nightwing arguing with Red Hood and going "Oh, i'm SO reporting this to Batman"

"OH NO, YOURE NOT"

"YES I AM"

And everyone else thinks this is serious? And it could affect Hood's status as an ally?

But really is just Dick telling his little brother he's snitching about his broken arm to their dad-

Or you see Red Robin trying to bribe Robin and Spoiler "I'm reporting your actions to Batman"

"Yeah, gotta start the report about it, and he's going to be so-"

"... How much?"

And they smile maliciously, and anyone else thinks RR did something REALLY bad but it's just that he exceeded his weekly allowed coffee and his sibblings found out

Because they also do it to other people, like Tim does it to Supes when he's arguing with Kon-

What I think would happen if the batfam gets shipwrecked to an abandoned island.

Alfred; is enjoying his vacation.

Bruce; doesn’t know what to do because he hasn’t gone a single day of his life without someone helping him and can’t cook edible food.

Dick; dies from lack of physical affection.

Jason; can’t figure out how to hunt without guns

Tim; dies without coffee or wifi.

Damian; is worried about the animals and dies from starvation because he refuses to kill.

Duke; is okay ish, like he survives but not easily.

Barbra (not paralyzed cause she wouldn’t survive paralyzed in my opinion); is having a little fun with making traps.

Steph; is having the time of her life without her stupid classes and teachers.

Cass; was literally trained for this and is happy she finally has some alone time even if she misses her family.

Meanwhile Oliver is just watching this all and sighing because how did he survive but some of them didn’t?

AUs where Thomas and Martha come back to life are significantly funnier if you consider the possibility of them adopting Harley and Oliver.

Bruce needs to cuddle Damian like an emotional support cat while all three of his parents argue in the kitchen. Dick would join, but he’s a bit too shell shocked that his dead grandparents are, you know, standing in his kitchen.

“Okay, so wait, he didn’t finish med school?! I specifically requested it!”

“I’m sorry, have you tried wrangling your feral batch of kittens before? The only one who successfully graduated is Harley.”

Oliver throws his hands in the air while Harley preens, “I finished business school!”

Martha sighs, “So did Lex Luthor, my darling.”

“Okay, well, I’m gonna die before I become a billionaire, so there.”

“Hell yeah, that’s my girl.”

“Sadly, she was discredited once her turbulent affair with the clown started…”

Thomas guffaws. Looking at Alfred like he said the most unbelievable shit in the world.

“Harley. Dated a man. OUR Harley?”

“I was equally disappointed.”

“Okay, well, favorite in law, 1 2 3 go,”

They all say Dinah at the same time, much to Bruce’s dismay. He gets it, but Clark is very kind to him. “Papa!”

Thomas shrugs, “I’m a Virgo, not a liar.”

Goonion rule #14. If given the chance; always fuck with Batman

The funny this about John Constantine is that the writers that like him and hate him write him the exact same way.

Like bastard, man whore, selfish, manipulative, self centered, con man, untrustworthy, hated, lives in a horror movie, etc.

Like the writers that like him do that and the writers that hate him think that ate with doing that but it’s just his character.

Batsiblings convince Jason to get himself a cooking Tiktok account, and he gives in. To his surprise, he quickly gains millions of followers and a loyal auditory. The only problem? Jason has no idea that these people came here not necessary for recipes.

Jason: Geez, my followers had been pissing me off lately.

Dick, confused: Huh? Why?

Jason: They keep commenting ATE. Like, dude? Fucking where? I am not eating in my cooking videos. What is the fucking point?

Tim, choking: Oh my fucking God-

Jason, making an angry text post for his followers: YOU ALL. STOP COMMENTING "RAW". MY MEAT IS NOT RAW. I AM A PROPER COOK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Cassandra: Maybe it is time to tell him...

Tim, Steph, Duke, in unison: NO

Bruce, awkwardly trying to have a conversation with Jason: Hey, lad, how is your cooking blog is going?

Jason: Uh, people keep commenting cryptid messages. Like, the last time I was showing the right way to tenderise meat for chops because apparently it wasn't clear and someone requested the whole video? Anyway, I did it, and the whole comment section was writing me "in bed, on the floor, on the couch, on a chair, against the wall, against the window, against the door"... Like, why would I do that, not in the kitchen?

Bruce, no less clueless: Maybe it some kind of challenge. Kids love trying new stuff in extreme places nowadays.

Jason: Huh. Maybe. Thanks.

Bruce, just proud to have a proper conversation and somehow a help: Anytime, Jaylad!

Damian, who was unblissfully educated on the slang matter by Tim (because it was his responsibility as a big brother to traumatise him), with his eye twitching: ...None of these words were in Quran

when ignoring how fucked up it is, its a wee bit funny to me that steph was the most ethically responsible robin and then the one that bruce treated the worst.

because dick was like 10 when he became robin, what the fuck were you doing making a ten yo go fight crime? plus he was under bruce's care which is like a massive thing of coercion and power dynamics.

jason had like NEGATIVE reason to be robin, he just needed to have a home and therapy probably

tim didnt want to be robin he just thought that batman needed one. and after getting adopted there is once again the issue of being under your virtual boss's care

and Oh God Damian. it was technically dick's fault this time but like kid did not have a choice in the way he was raised and shouldve gotten like happy fun learning to be a kid times not violent child soldier times

all of that compared to steph who

was already a vigilante when meeting bruce

voluntarily chose to be a vigilante

was not under bruce's care or guardianship and had a trusted adult

was almost a legal adult herself

had some fighting experience

like BRO in terms of ethics steph is The Best option and then she was treated like absolute Garbage. wild shit.

When people debate who the most fucked up member of the bats is, they either pick Bruce or Jason. Rightfully so, of course. But neither of them are correct.

Cassandra fucking Cain has been coasting by undetected for YEARS. That girl might lowkey be the most fucked up hero in DC, and that's saying something.

Everyone is aware of how anal Bruce is about the no kill rule, but nobody talks about how Cass takes that to the extreme.

She broke into a maximum security prison to free a child murdere who received the death penalty. She didn't even know him. She broke through a secure facility to free what is arguably the definition of human scum because she doesn't agree with his sentencing.

I mean, yes, fuck the death penalty, the state should never have the right to kill people, and the fact that many end up innocent is horrifying, but that man was unrepentant. And he was locked up, he didn't even escape. Cass places her morals above even the law

And I can't find the panel, but I'm 99% sure she took multiple bullets to protect a rapist

Also, she had a major breakdown when Kate killed clayface, which is valid sure but Kate genuinely saved lives there. Cass would've been fine if they died so long as nobody wearing the bat was a murderer.

People rag on Bruce for only seeing the world as black and white, but Cass' world view is way more strict and rigid. She makes Bruce seem lax about it

Okay imagine this; Cassandra with the same exact upbringing but the family somehow doesn’t know. She learned to talk and did the whole Shiva thing before meeting Bruce, and she knows Shiva is her mom.

Batman (talking to an assassin who he had to track down because for some reason every big name is staying away from Gotham, not that he’s complaining, but he’s worried); why is everyone staying away from Gotham?

Assassin (small enough to be scared but big enough to have helped train Cass); I am NOT getting near that psychopath! I don’t know how she got away, there, or even learned to talk! No way am I taking that risk, fuck off Bats, I’m more scared of her than I am of you!

Now the fam is even more confused. Everyone is trying to figure this out, Cass is laughing in the corner. (Maybe with Dami)

A few days later, Talia storms into the cave and bitch slapped Bruce, she turned and hugged Cassandra.

Bruce (holding his cheek because that woman has a mean slap); what was that for?!?

Talia; not telling me my daughter is okay! I should do more than slap you! My poor daughter, I’ve been so worried, so has Nyssa. I should have murdered him and taken you as my own the second we met. Of course, father would be furious, but you are much better than him. I assume your mother knows, considering my beloved is still breathing.

Cass; yes, mother knows, approves of Bat. Says it good branching out, got away, yay!

Talia; I did not expect that. Anyways, if you have trouble with your grandfather, just call. You left fair and square, I shall protect you, not that you need it. Be good, my child.

Cass preened under the praise and watched one of her adoptive League mothers leave. Talia and Nyssa were always nice to her, wanting to help but not being able to, she loved them. She refused to answer questions.

'Cause I'm stuck with your stories