" I Would've Loved You Forever If You Had Only Let Me."

" And my biggest mistake was loving you more than I could ever love myself."

-H.Asteid

" What made you so afraid of people getting too close?"

-H.Asteid

15 more seconds before midnight

I'm sitting here, staring at my phone

Thinking how to hit your phone up

Should I text you or hit the caller icon?

It's been a year since we last talked

Today, it's like my mind keeps drifting back into the memories you engraved in my heart a year ago

The Good morning texts

The later night conversations

How often we quarrel over what "we" really are

The time you told me

" I love you but I can't keep your heart."

It shattered me.

You were scared just as I was

But I never gave up on us

Sent you sonnets everyday

Sang you lullabies at night

Showed you my scars

For you, I turned myself inside out.

Still, my everything wasn't enough.

You came with the smile of October then left me alone with the gloomy November.

You left.

You left without a goodbye.

I tried to run after you in the dark

I called your name several times

On my knees, I fell to the ground

You're already gone

You're already gone.

15 more seconds before midnight

With tears in my eyes,

I put my phone down

And whispered into the void

" Happy birthday, I'm letting you go now."

-H.Asteid ,10-22

" You still have a lifetime to be who you really wanna be."

-H.Asteid

"I'm scared." Looking up at the night sky, trying not to fall apart.

I felt him scoot closer to me.

"Scared of what?"

I hesitated for a moment.

" I... I'm scared of the thought that this might be the last time I'll be making coffee for my Dad, the last time I'll iron and fold his clothes. I'm scared of the thought of his heart breaking when I'm not here anymore.

I'm so scared that I feel like I won't be able to witness the sun shine again, that today might be my last day."

I said looking down at my shaking hands, suddenly ashamed of my revelation.

But his next words gave my heart a sense of something foreign...Hope.

" You're scared.

Isn't that enough reason to stay?"

-H.Asteid

" I wasn't built to break."

- H.Asteid

I was born with reds and violets tattooed on my stomach, shards of glass in my eyes and scars on my back. I never really knew how to talk in a velvety voice or hold flowers in my hands without crushing them in the process. The love introduced to me isn't the kind of love that'd wish you sweet dreams. The love I've known brought me nightmares with me crying, laughing at my fallen tooth on the carpet.

So please be patient with me. I'm still learning not to destroy the things I love.

---H.Asteid🍁

I'm made of excerpts I personally extracted from the books I read, of songs' lyrics, of blankets and of cups of coffee.

My mind is either a gray cloud or a current of air violently whirling in a spiral.

Every night, my soul howls for the moon; my hands bleed words about tragedy and doom.

These dark brown orbs loathe mirrors but would always tear up at the sight of the sea, maple trees in autumn, of beautiful people.

And my heart only yearns for one thing. . .

To feel things in colour.

-H.Asteid

How many more sonnets do you I have to write for you?

How many more steps to do I have to take to get to you?

You see, I'm running out of ink

And it's like my knees are about to give in

But I kept writing

I kept walking

Coz honey, you're inked in my mind like a tattoo

You're like the cups of coffee I consume

Cup after cup after cup

Still, I can't get enough

I can't stop!

I can swim, Believe me I can swim

But my heart seems to be so fascinated with your depths

That it doesn't mind getting drowned in it.

But you won't let me in.

You'd leave your door slightly ajar then you'd slam it on my face,

You'd pull me close then you'd pull away

You have me wrapped around your thumb

That when you ever you needed a hit, I'll be your drug.

It's insane! I mean...

I think it's the other way around

You.

You are my drug.

Your love's my addiction

But the way it's consuming me right now,

Tells me...

That you are both my sweet salvation and also, the road that would lead to my own destruction.

- H. Asteid, One-sided Sonnet

You. You showed me the side of love that Disney tried to hide from me when I was a kid. You made me realize that walking this earth with a soft heart can cost me everything. That night when you left me lying naked on the floor, I wept and silently wished I didn't have emotions at all.

-H.Asteid🍁