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Diary Entry #25 (one mostly about something not trans-related... yay?)

I was stimming so much at work today. Or maybe ticcing or whatever bc I couldn't stop. It exhausted me more than actually working my shift. I wasn't feeling any particular way, I just got a bad stim/tic day just for some random reason ig.

My main tics/stims rn are sighing really deep, cracking my elbows, and inhaling hard with my nose. It probably looks really weird but I can't really help it. I guess that'd be more of a tic than a stim? I don't know if you can have tics without tourette's, i think I read that somewhere but like. i'm not sure.

I worry that I'll freak people out more whenever I pass as male or even as a trans male. I think it's worth the price of being seen as myself, it's just a minor concern i have. I'm really talkative and I worry about freaking out women. I don't act like a creep obviously, but I do appear autistic to most people and I am aware that people can be uncomfortable with me, even though I look like a girl.

If anyone with tics/stims can help me out here that'd be appreciated. I don't really know the difference.

Actually kinda goes hard

I imagine some trans person or enby changing their name like.

-> Goes to Wiktionary.org -> Clicks "Random entry" -> My name is now ጭምብል

Vent post ahead! Family stuff, transphobia, homophobia and stuff.

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My family doesn’t believe I can do anything; they don’t think I can take care of them when they get old, they don’t think I can fill my own medicine, live on my own, take care of myself, or get a job. I know they think this, because they’ve said it before. They only say it when they’re mad at me, but I know they think it all the time.

Because they don’t believe in me, I don’t really believe in myself either. But I know this is what they want; they want me to believe that I can’t do anything. They don’t want to see me transition, move out, and thrive. Whenever they ask me what’s wrong, I can’t tell them what’s actually bothering me because they’re too uncomfortable with the answer (dysphoria, not that they believe in it anyways.)

I don’t like these people anymore; they made it clear they don’t like my authentic self. They couldn’t even handle when I thought I was a lesbian, so what the hell was I expecting, I guess. I’m not giving up, I’m too spiteful to give up now. I’m going to live my life as a man; if they don’t like it, that’s fine, I don’t really give a shit. The only one I remotely care about is my little sister. She’s not too far gone yet. But I feel like my family will turn her to their side, and I’ll truly have no one.

Even if I have no one, I’m not giving up. I know that’s what they want, so I refuse to give up. One day, I’ll be masculine looking enough to where my family will have no choice but to call me by my actual name and pronouns, assuming that they don’t cease communication with me at that point. That’ll be a good day, assuming it happens. It’ll be incredibly painful to lose everyone, but it’ll be worth it. I’ll get new family and friends, and hopefully it will work out.

No matter what my family says, I am strong enough to do this. I have no choice but to be strong. I just have to struggle through another year or two, and I’ll be free. I’m nearly 18, will be in August, so technically I am an adult soon. Let’s hope that I can learn some more life skills and move out of this place.

(Also I may sound confident in this post, but irl I am scared. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I guess all I can do is try my best.)

hairy men. large hairy men. big big large hairy men. agree.

Holy shit,,, i rember 💡

Popee the performer or whatever!!

top 5 strangest crossovers

And this

I need to start T literally yesterday

This is awesome how does it only have a couple of notes???

a little chest binding/testosterone sticker sheet i did for fun :)

be free!!

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