Diary Entry #17

Starting a diary series! I'm starting today hope I stick with it lol

Here’s my epic autism moment- my pizza tower and PvZ ocs!!

Why is a plants vs zombies zombie oc trans? Because I said so, that’s why lmao. If a plant can go by they/them, surely a zombie can use pronouns. Idk lol

Anyways here’s the description of both of them-

Alice/August (he/him for both)-

They are my self-insert, with August being an alter-ego/transformed version of Alice (not actually my deadname.) I designed them with a noise/noisette kinda style. August is extroverted and courageous, while Alice is introverted and cowardly. When Alice feels confident and happy enough, they transform/switch into August. People think they are completely different people, but they at least share the same body. They’re kind of a representation of my online and offline self. Alice is usually called a “she”, but he’s a he. He doesn’t tell anyone what he goes by, and avoids the question whenever possible.

Nico (he/him)-

Nico is a zombie that is generally very intelligent compared to the others, but he is much less tough. He has a bit of a “zombie” accent, but tries to get speech therapy to get rid of the voice. He is the son of Dr. Edgar Zomboss, possibly explaining his above-average intelligence; it’s unknown if he has any siblings. Zomboss refuses to call him his son, referring to him as a “she” and by his deadname “Nicole”. Nico does not eat brains, but will occasionally eat pork brains as a sort of treat. He’s on the plants/humans side, and wants to defeat his father. He has an advantage, as he learned a lot about his father before he left his household so he knows a lot of his plans. Plants know not to attack him, as he’s pretty visually distinct.

[Start ID: First image is of my Pizza Tower oc, Alice/August. They have blonde hair, blue eyes, and wear glasses. August is who Alice tranforms into when he feels confident/happy enough. Alice wears a white shirt, blue jeans, and has his blond hair in a bob. August wears a teal cape, a binder, and cargo pants and has his blond hair short in a middle part. The second image is my plants vs zombies oc, Nico. He looks like a typical pvz zombie, except his pupils are slightly larger. He wears headphones, has brown hair, wears a white shirt with a binder underneath, wears cargo pants, and has a trans pride pin. /End ID]

Master Doc with Abortion Funds for Every State

I AM SCREAMING HOLY SHIT TOMODACHI LIFE WAS MY SHIT WHEN I WAS A KID!!!

Diary entry #15

Feeling a little bit better. I've been reading a lot recently, the pvz comics and also "american teenager" which is a book about trans kids' perspectives! It's really good so far!

My brain is whirring with different fanfic ideas.

I ordered a crazy dave figure and sunflower plushie and I'm so excited!! I wish they shipped soon but whatever i guess lol

This is the first line of official pvz merch in forever. I wish they made an Edgar Zomboss figure or plushie or whatever but I'll take what I can get haha!

I know I'm just distracting myself from the horrible reality ahead but it's nice to be distracted sometimes

I think I'm at like peak hyperfixation when it comes to plants vs zombies; idk how much longer it's going to last but judging on my other hyperfixations it might be a year or more before it fully fades.

[ID: a screenshot of a Youtooz pre-order with a Crazy Dave figure and Sunflower plush /END ID]

"French Pokémon names are so beautiful"

Sorry had to share this clip it's funny to me

Diary entry #7

My grandma isn't gonna teach me to drive anymore, because she says I'm not improving. Now I'm gonna have to pay for a driving class and I went down a horrible spiral where I was thinking about how worthless I am.

I'm on my period and it feels like the world is crumbling around me. If I don't get out of my household frankly I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, so I have no choice but to pay a thousand bucks (literally) for driving school.

I screwed up and almost caused an accident, that's why she said I wasn't improving. She's been driving for 40 years, and I've only been driving for like a month or something. She says there's nothing she can teach me anymore. My brain was foggy because I'm on my period, I barely ate anything, and I was shaking from too much caffeine. I really didn't want to drive but I was an idiot and did it anyways. I fucking hate my life. It's times like this where I wish I wasn't autistic because everyone else in my life functions normally and I can't do anything right.

I have to get out of my house. There's no other option. If I can't do it, I don't think I can wait any longer than I already have. They aren't abusive, but they let me live in conditions where I'm not living as myself and it's killing me. I just need to be a man and I can't.

I can't live a second longer in this body that's not mine. I wish I had some resources to help me get out of here, but I'm mostly on my own. I'm not being abused, so I can't escape by calling services to my house, but I just can't live like this. Sorry this post was so depressing, it depresses me too!

The hate filled thoughts that flow while I'm looking at myself in the shower are killing me. I want to be rid of my female-gendered features, every last one of them.

(Edit) I have no idea if this post even shows up in people's feeds but uh.,,, no freemartin cows are not FTM? Am i stupid?? They are intersex. I'm glad I've learned a lot and I'm sorry I was dumb,,,

Nobody prompted me to change this or delete it this post has just been haunting me because it was a stupid thing to post. And I keep on thinking that I should delete it but honestly it's an important thing to keep up; I don't want anyone else to fuck up like this. Intersex people exist and are important and need to be listened to.

Diary entry #2

I want to make some pvz butcher vanity fanart SO BAD but for some reason I keep putting it off. I saw this post about not being able to put your blorbos in situations can be depression and like. yeah that's true.

Butcher Vanity is an amazing song btw

Probably gonna make some MAMA chicken ramen soon

I have underlying dysphoria that just seems to get worse every day. I look at men irl and online that are cool looking and I get so jealous it makes me angry. I'm still stuck in this shell I can hardly recognize, something that can be fixed or made better but I'm not allowed. I can't even cut my hair short for christ's sake.

Started Gravity Falls last night, gonna try to watch an episode a day; for some reason I have problems watching shows/playing videogames even if they're really good. When I was a little kid I didn't have that issue.