I Let You Ruin Me, And The Worst Part Is I’d Do It All Again Without A Second Thought. I’d Beg For

Loving her was never going to be fair you know? 

its like trying to love a hurricane as its ripping through your sheets.

But she wasn’t always like that though.

She used to be the summer breeze as it whispered in your ear.

She was the sand in your shoe reminding you of sunny days on the beach.

Then she fell in love with her own hurricane and she was never quit the same.

He began as the ocean that she slowly let flow across her feet.

But before she knew it she was knee deep in the water, and soon 

she was swimming as far out as she could go. 

She loved the water rolling over her skin. 

Once she was too far out to turn back thats when the clouds began rolling in

The storm forced her under the water until her lungs felt as if they would collapse.

She began to love the burning in her lungs, the desperation for air, the blurred vision. But just as she was about to give in the storm brought her back to the shorelines tattered and bruised. 

She spent days and months on the beach hoping to be taken back out to sea. All she was given was the quiet whispers of the waves coming into shore. She spent her days chasing the storm, and nights in the warmth of others arms. She filled her lungs with cigarette smoke hoping for a moment to recreate the burning sensation and liquor to drown out the emptiness left inside. But she never was quite the same.

Like I said, Youll never forget your first hurricane. 

And now she’s yours.

“Were we ever meant to get it right?”

I’m still mesmerized by your writing, I hope I didn’t take that from you. Do you ever think about me ? I’m sorry it’s selfish to ask.

“It’s you, and us,” I added, motioning between us. “It’s this thing that never was, but always is, that never will be and will never not be”

Make me hate you

I wish I could see you one last time.

I wish I knew the last time was the last time.

It’ll never happen, but if it did,

I think my heart would stop beating. I think my lungs would refuse air.

And I think I’d die when you just look the other way without a care in the world.

when i first met you i thought

“damn that boy puts the sun to shame” I thought that you were this piece that i didnt know i was missing as if my life had been in chaos because you werent in it yet But then it happened.. Moment by moment you began to take pieces of me without me realizing it you took my thoughts, my dreams, and my plans for the future when your shine was no longer blinded me i noticed something was different you told me that you were just fixing the things that you took when you gave them back to me they were no longer the same you gave me back street maps, marked with coffee houses, and vegan restaurants along the roads i would take to the job you picked out for me your sparkle was still in the corner of my eye so i thought that you were helping me, for a while there i thought that i wanted those things. But then the days began to get cloudy, you could never tell me when youd be coming home once i moved across the world to be with you. I was left to my own devices in a room that didnt feel at all like mine. At first i would grab my umbrella and walk to the coffee shop before i headed off to work and at lunch would try out the new vegan place down the street. But after one too many cloudy days i realized that the coffee was burnt and i didnt even like tofu, and my boss was a bitch. So i began to make my own sunshine, and boy did it show the cracks that you left me to mend. you’d come back home occasionally to tell me everything was fine, but i could no longer feel any light radiating from you. you were pale and grey, you were actually pretty cold. You slept so peacefully knowing that you weren’t sure where i was or what i was doing but at some point id sneak into bed and id awake with you gone again. You used your light to blind me, so that while i could not see you created someone else, someone that you wanted me to be and convinced me that I wanted to be her too. But without constant upkeep i began to wipe away parts of the girl that I never was. When i began to show you parts of the person I really was you didn’t like her, you began to call her names and say she wasn’t the person you fell in love with. But i don’t think your feet ever left the ground, you were too busy there planting seeds in my mind to tell me you knew what was best. maybe that was my fault for letting it happen, i was much younger than you and you’d never let me forget that. But now years have past and i don’t even recognize the girl you tried to make me become. I saw you walking down the street and you turned the corner at the sight of me. I heard that you had a new girlfriend, one that you’ve been with before i kicked you out of my bed. It makes me want to say sorry to your ex, you villainized her so much when we were together that i thought she was no good. But i am sure that you tell your new girl that I was just the same, that i didn’t deserve your love because while you were at work i was at a party down the street. I am sure that she doesn’t know you were still with me when you first kissed, or that the sweatpants you wear when your sick were mine. I am sure she thinks I’m horrible, and i will admit at times i was, but you cant expect to cage someone in and not have them fight their way back out. I wonder how long it took her to stop starring into your light, for her to see what your real intentions were. I wonder why your light is so blinding, when behind it there’s just a selfish little boy trying to make himself a puppet.

i can only feel a thing in the summer, there's nothing left come winter.

— Clementine Von Radics

I’ve learned now that there is no getting over you. There’s living with your memory or being haunted by it. I’ve let years go by with you stuck to my back like a tumor I couldn’t rid. But that isn’t what you are. You’re a piece of me. A piece that I protected so dearly I lost sight of the reasons I protected it. I’ve learned that every single person I’ve ever loved I’ve written their names on pieces of me to remember forever. I wrote those names down and treated them as if they were punishment. But it isn’t and it never was. I’ve been lucky enough to know what love feels like in so many different ways. I’ve forgiven every heart break except for yours. I’m sorry I’m still working on it, but then again you don’t want my forgiveness anymore. You’ve found happiness in such a familiar place it actually took the breath out of my lungs when I saw it. I can’t deny that it felt like you punched me in the face, but I left you to find happiness else where, how can I be mad that you did ? You don’t read these words anymore. I don’t blame you for not. But I feel like you’ve always been a safe place to put feelings I don’t quit understand. I’m trying to find the writer you once loved, this time without you. She’s only ever come out for you to see, so I will learn to move on in the same place I fell in love, writing to a ghost that has never been on the same page as me. Because here those feelings can live forever without having to feel like their clawing at my ribs. Here I can release them to be finally free of.

I confuse people. i have a happy personality and a sad soul. i'm bold but shy. i love deeply but sometimes i feel heartless. i'm healing and hurting at the same time. i'm dedicated to growth, but i self sabotage