“Were We Ever Meant To Get It Right?”

You were the first and last person to hold my heart with all of its pieces.

“Timing is a hell of a thing. In the end, that’s what it all comes down to. The potency of an attraction or the purity of a connection mean very little if you’re on separate journeys. You and I were a perfect fit, we were, there was just too much distance between us to see it.”

- a love letter to whiskey

“I feel myself getting bad again”

— J.I. // a six word story

no ones ever let me break my own heart like you did . . .

the diary in my head. 

“It’s you, and us,” I added, motioning between us. “It’s this thing that never was, but always is, that never will be and will never not be”

Make me hate you

“Because this thing between us, it’s something that happens only once, and I’ve managed to almost lose it twice. I won’t risk it again.”

Only once

when i first met you i thought

“damn that boy puts the sun to shame” I thought that you were this piece that i didnt know i was missing as if my life had been in chaos because you werent in it yet But then it happened.. Moment by moment you began to take pieces of me without me realizing it you took my thoughts, my dreams, and my plans for the future when your shine was no longer blinded me i noticed something was different you told me that you were just fixing the things that you took when you gave them back to me they were no longer the same you gave me back street maps, marked with coffee houses, and vegan restaurants along the roads i would take to the job you picked out for me your sparkle was still in the corner of my eye so i thought that you were helping me, for a while there i thought that i wanted those things. But then the days began to get cloudy, you could never tell me when youd be coming home once i moved across the world to be with you. I was left to my own devices in a room that didnt feel at all like mine. At first i would grab my umbrella and walk to the coffee shop before i headed off to work and at lunch would try out the new vegan place down the street. But after one too many cloudy days i realized that the coffee was burnt and i didnt even like tofu, and my boss was a bitch. So i began to make my own sunshine, and boy did it show the cracks that you left me to mend. you’d come back home occasionally to tell me everything was fine, but i could no longer feel any light radiating from you. you were pale and grey, you were actually pretty cold. You slept so peacefully knowing that you weren’t sure where i was or what i was doing but at some point id sneak into bed and id awake with you gone again. You used your light to blind me, so that while i could not see you created someone else, someone that you wanted me to be and convinced me that I wanted to be her too. But without constant upkeep i began to wipe away parts of the girl that I never was. When i began to show you parts of the person I really was you didn’t like her, you began to call her names and say she wasn’t the person you fell in love with. But i don’t think your feet ever left the ground, you were too busy there planting seeds in my mind to tell me you knew what was best. maybe that was my fault for letting it happen, i was much younger than you and you’d never let me forget that. But now years have past and i don’t even recognize the girl you tried to make me become. I saw you walking down the street and you turned the corner at the sight of me. I heard that you had a new girlfriend, one that you’ve been with before i kicked you out of my bed. It makes me want to say sorry to your ex, you villainized her so much when we were together that i thought she was no good. But i am sure that you tell your new girl that I was just the same, that i didn’t deserve your love because while you were at work i was at a party down the street. I am sure that she doesn’t know you were still with me when you first kissed, or that the sweatpants you wear when your sick were mine. I am sure she thinks I’m horrible, and i will admit at times i was, but you cant expect to cage someone in and not have them fight their way back out. I wonder how long it took her to stop starring into your light, for her to see what your real intentions were. I wonder why your light is so blinding, when behind it there’s just a selfish little boy trying to make himself a puppet.

I remembered the other day I was given an opportunity to return to the town we met. Your town. I didn’t take it … but I wonder if I would’ve run into you. Fate being the cruel mistress she is sending us back towards one another. You’re a ghost to me now, so faded in the distance yet the memories send cold shivers down my spine. You haunt me, creeping back in right when I forget to remember you. I wonder what look you’d have on your face if you saw me. would you leave like I did? Would you say something after all this time? Would you pretend you didn’t know me ? Like we were nothing? I don’t think I could take it if you did. So I didn’t go. I’ve avoided it if I’m being honest, I don’t know what it would feel like to be back in a town I once called home. It’s a ghost town to me, memories of you walking the streets. In baseball fields and football games. Somehow you even stole the sunset. How can something so long forgotten by one still have such a strong hold on the other after all these years ?

Fuck.