This Never Would’ve Happened If You Were A Marine Biologist, Henry.

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JAKE LOCKLEY WITHIN 2 MINUTES OF BEING INTRODUCED

Hey, did you know that Gaston Leroux’s Phantom of the Opera novel is available free on Wikisource or Project Gutenberg? Did you also know that it is completely gloriously bugfuck bonkers?

When the ballerinas are talking they hear a noise outside, and the head ballerina goes to check it out with the knife she always has, straight up ready to stab a ghost

The phantom shows up at the dinner party between the new and old managers and nobody says anything because they all think he's with the other guys

He doesn't have any dramatic entry to the masquerade ball - he's just wandering around in a cape with DON'T TOUCH THIS GUY embroidered on it in gold, and when somebody does he grabs them and glares at them, because come on, man, my cape asked you to do one thing

The phantom’s name is Erik. We know this because my dude is constantly talking about himself in the third person like an anime imouto

Ever wonder why there's suddenly a horse in the musical? Turns out it's because he just fuckin' steals one. Dude gets himself a basement horse.

His lair is a house on an underground lake with specifically surreal "middle-class" decorations. Dude has, like, cabinets from Pottery Barn

Except for his own room, which is all in black, and where this goth motherfucker sleeps in a literal coffin because "One has to get used to everything in life, even to eternity"

Dude goes out shopping and makes lunch. Christine specifically talks about eating some shrimp and a chicken wing that he'd set out like fuckin' Pagan Min

Christine has way more spine and agency than in the musical. Erik doesn't just randomly decide to bring her back from the first abduction; she deliberately butters him up over two weeks to convince him she'll come back if he lets her go

Then when Raoul demands to know where she's been she's like buddy I was at the corner of Nunya and Business

It's also her own idea to stay so Erik can see her sing on stage one more time

Erik's eyes specifically glow in the dark. This is relevant because one night Raoul thinks he sees glowing eyes out on the balcony. He tries turning the light on and off a couple times, and they're still there, and not answering when he calls out. So he is sure it's the Phantom and shoots him with a gun. There's some blood and Raoul's brother is like dude you shot a cat, and it's never mentioned again, so I guess there really is a cat out there with a scar and a very weird story

The phantom claims that the chandelier just did that

And that's before it gets really insane.

@staff what now

jekyll: *has TWO doctorates of law* also jekyll: *proceeds to break most of those laws after drinking green feral juice*

GIRLS!!!!!! gather roung. we are looking at this pillbug

inspired by this post made by @damerondjarin

Every midwit literary fiction novel from the past 5 years has been called something like The Little Things We Do To Ourselves or Back Then I Didn’t Think So Clearly or I Have Been Trying To Venmo You.

IF U DONT LOVE ME NOW- YOU WILL NEVER LOVE ME AGAIN