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Jared: You really think I give a fuck? I can't even read.
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Evan: Okay, okay. Stop asking me if I identify as gay, straight, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.
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Connor: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven’t decided yet' is typically a good response.
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Alana: Died, and came back as a cowboy. I call that reintarnation.
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Jared: What doesn't kill me should run, because now i'm fucking pissed.
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Evan: I was born for politics. I have great hair, and I love lying.
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Zoe: Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year… is me. That’s right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.
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Jared: Well, well, well, well... if it isn't my old friend: the dawning realization that I fucked up bad.
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Alana: I'm going to defeat you with the power of friendship!! ....And this knife I found.
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Jared: You'll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake.
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Connor: Goodnight moon, goodnight trees;
Connor: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.
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Jared: I'd like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.
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Evan: My life is as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.
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Jared: 'Person of interest' is too flattering.
Jared: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building, and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'
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Zoe: BEHOLD, The field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!
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Alana: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.
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Jared: I've come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck
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Connor: Fool me once, i'm gonna kill you
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Evan: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.
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Jared: People are always asking me: 'Are you a morning person, or a night person?'
Jared: And I'm just like, 'Buddy, i'm barely even a PERSON!'
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Evan: Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
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Zoe: With great power comes great need to take a nap.
Zoe: Wake me up later.
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Jared: bitches b like “im baby” but have childhood trauma and neglect like wtf do u know about being baby u were forced to grow up from an early age anyways.
Jared: ...I’m bitches.
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Connor: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?
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Jared: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?'
Jared: Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.
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Connor, playing a VR game: You see, that’s the thing. It PROBABLY is fine. It’s PROBABLY 100% okay. There are PROBABLY no spiders in this headset.
Connor: BUT- as you may be able to relate to- If you find a spider in your headset, and then have to put that headset on to play video games...
Connor: YoU jUsT dOn'T gEt ToO cOMfOrTaBlE.
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Alana, gesturing to a Halloween display: All these ghosts! All these ghosts, and I still can't find a boo!
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Jared: So apparently the 'bad vibes' I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress
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Connor: Physically? Yeah, I could fight a bird. But, emotionally? Imagine the toll.
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Evan: You wanna see how hardcore I am?
Evan: *Punches wall*
Evan:
Evan: Take me to the hospital.
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Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Jared*
Jared: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.