Narcissa: Hey Severus, do you have any hobbies?
Severus: Swimming..
Narcissa: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
Severus: In a pool of self hatred and regret.
Severus: If looking good was a crime, you’d be a law abiding citizen.
Severus: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.
Lily: You’re too young to have enemies.
Severus: You don’t even know.
Sirius: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
Severus: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.
Severus: Look, Bellatrix, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.
Lucius: How the hell are you still alive?
Severus: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.
Regulus: It’s funny how well you and Severus get along. Didn’t he hate you at first?
Lucius: Severus hates everybody at first. It’s his way of reaching out to people.
Narcissa: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that Severus does? What if he jumped off a cliff?
Lucius: If Severus were to jump off a cliff, he would have done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see Severus jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Narcissa: You jump off a cliff.
Lucius: Gladly, provided Severus did first.
Severus: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Remus: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Severus: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Remus: Is it working?
*I like this one ⤵ too*
Sirius: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Severus: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Sirius: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Severus: Is it working?
Bellatrix, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."
Bellatrix: THERE. Now send it.
Severus:: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to-
Bellatrix: JUST DO IT!
later
Remus: So what does it say?
James, reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...."
Remus:
James:
Remus: Gross-
* this one ⤵ Generated first and I also find it funny*
Bellatrix, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."
Bellatrix: THERE. Now send it.
Lucius: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to-
Bellatrix: JUST DO IT!
later
Regulus: So what does it say?
Severus, reading the letter: They say they're going to "lick my...."
Regulus:
Severus:
Regulus: Gross-
Remus: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Severus: Your life?
Remus: I- well yes, but-
Sirius with a wand to Severus's head: What happens if I Avada you? Heaven?
Severus: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.
Severus: And what do I get out of this?
Lucius: I will give you a galleon.
Severus:: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a galleon!
Lucius: How bout two galleons?
Severus: You got yourself a deal.
Severus: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.
Lucius: ... Your what?
Severus: My friends.
Regulus: Are he's saying “friends”?
Narcissa: I think he's being sarcastic.
Bellatrix: No, no, no, this is delirium, he cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Severus! All of your friends are in this room.
Remus: Sorry I'm late, I was doing things.
Severus: Hello, I’m ‘things’.
I want a Severus X marauders (excluding Peter) where it's like those jeverus fics where baby harry goes back in time and then shocks everyone by being the child of James and sev.
Like this⬇
Dumbledore finds baby harry and baby harry tells who his parents are and for his own amusement during lunch in the great Hall he makes the announcement that a baby has traveled back in time and that his future parents have to take care of him till they can figure out how to send him back
Everyone is silent waiting for home to announce the parents "Harry's Father's-" whispers "fathers? " "what-? " "was it an affair or? " "I wonder who-" "SILENCE" ".... " "as I was saying Harry's fathers.. Yes more than one harry has three fathers and one mother. It was not an affair it seems that the three fathers had fallen for the same person and that person loved them all and didn't wish to choose. So they all formed a relationship. " "..wow" "I will now call each father to come up here to meet little harry" (shush he wants drama that's why he's making the come to everyone's view" ".. James Potter" ! James walks up to Dumbledore and instantly loves harry "Sirius Black" Sirius looks surprised but goes up next to James and looks at his future son "he looks a lot like you James" "I know! " *ahem* "and the last father...Remus Lupin" Remus freezes before hesitantly going up and looks at harry "wow... I didn't think I'd have a kid"-R " I didn't think we'd all have a and kid and relationship with the same person! "-J " well we always share"-S "and now for Harry's mother.. " everyone is quite then Severus, who wasn't interested, starts to leave and harry See's.
Harry perks up and runs from his fathers toward Snape and screams "MOMMY!" Sev feels a tiny body ramming into his leg, he looks down at harry shocked he goes to tell him that's absurd but his heart melts as he looks at harry clinging to him and instead picks him up and smiles at harry and softly talks to him, without realizing it he instantly went into mommy mode, while everyone is silently flipping their shit, Remus being the first to calm down goes up to sev and harry
And you can make up the rest. I just wanna find a fic like that 😢🥺