Update - Blog Posts
You know, I really hate my community a lot. It felt good to cause a public nuisance by panhandling at an intersection for a couple of hours. I hope that I caused a lot of annoyance for a lot of people. I didn't make any money, but that's not the point. My relationship with my community is now one where I go around asking as many people as possible for money, to express my displeasure. I hope everyone who drove past me at that intersection gets a flat tire. Screw you, everybody in my hometown. Screw all of you and give me money!
I tried to quit nicotine again yesterday. Cue the instability and mental screaming. I couldn't do it. I bought some more nicotine. Panhandling annoys the conservatives, and it will pay for my nicotine. I really need to get out there and panhandle. The worst thing that could happen is a mugger tries to kill me and take my money. I am a giant. I have never been mugged before. The first person who tries to mug me gets to find out what it's like to have all their joints dislocated one by one. But that probably won't happen. I'll take a picture of the panhandling spot and post a tracing this evening.
I slept all day today. I wish I didn't hate myself so much. I really have a lot of self-hate. Forgiving myself is something I'm working on. Being angry at myself for being disabled is so cruel and bigoted. I just want the mental screaming to stop, so I can rest.
So, as an agender nonbinary person, I usually try to avoid gendered language. I chose two staves, "Men" and "Bass", initially, to describe a trio to be performed by myself. These are the options the program provides. "Bass" is already gender-neutral. But I thought it would be more gender-neutral to describe the two higher voices as "Low Voices" instead of "Men." So that's what I did.
I need to work from home because I get panic attacks. Making music is my best chance at earning a living online. I have depression. I have to start writing the sheet music now, while I'm not feeling well. The mental effort will slowly improve my mood as I work. Waiting for the depression to go away never works. The depression will always be there. The only way to improve the depression is to summon the willpower to be productive. I know that the music will be good enough to earn donations. I just have to have faith and trust the process.
I have a song in mind. Three singers, bass, baritone, and tenor, playing a guitar, a tambourine, and tapping sticks. I have to sing all three parts myself. If I don't write it down now, I'm going to forget it. I have imposter syndrome so bad. Or maybe it's learned helplessness. But I'll just do my best and then the result will tell us whether I'm an imposter or not.
Ugh, the lyrics that I wrote are so bad. I'm done trying to write lyrics. Vocals don't have to have words. I have to push through this mental fog and try to actually make good music. Waking up from deep depression is so hard, but it is possible. Mental effort will help to clear the fog away.
Okay, lyrics for the song are done, I think. The next step is writing out the sheet music. I have tried to keep the problem as simple as possible, But I am not recording any music today. That was silly. I have to rehearse the music first until performing it is automatic. I don't get to skip work just because I have talent.
Good morning! It is, in theory, possible for me to compose and record a new song today. I may as well try. The composition will be for two performers, one singer playing a guitar and another singer playing tapping sticks. I don't have another performer though, so I'll have to do both parts myself. I am not so religious anymore, but I have been encouraged by these words since childhood: Oh sing unto the Lord a new song! Sing unto the Lord all the Earth! - Psalm 96:1
Frankly, I am getting tired of these "daily affirmations." There are better ways to boost my self-esteem. One more affirmation, perhaps. My name is Blue. I am undefined. I defy explanation. I am a random person who has had a random life.
I am a former choir singer and a former church guitarist. I feel inspired to compose music again. I have a song in mind. I just need to write it down and practice it. I promise you that my voice is much better than my drawings. I'll make an anonymous Bandcamp account and post a link to the song later.
I am too depressed to do anything, and my thoughts are troubled by paranoia. However, I feel more stable than I did yesterday. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and feeling bad does not make me a bad person.
Happy midnight! Today is a new day! I am terrified to go panhandling. I don't think I can do it. I would need to be actually homeless to have enough desperation. I guess that means I'm giving up nicotine. But that stuff is bad for me anyway. Would you beg on the streets to avoid nicotine withdrawal? It seems, for me, the answer is "no."
I did some yard work today to make a little money. Tomorrow, I need to get up bright and early and panhandle. I did not choose to be disabled. I deserve to live well. Daily Affirmation: My name is Blue, and it is not selfish of me to ask for help.
I might be going crazy, but I think I'm going to try panhandling tomorrow. Doing gigs and odd jobs is too stressful for me. I'm not homeless, but I can't work and my disability aid is months away. I haven't done panhandling before, and I am rather terrified. But I am going to wear a face mask, a hat, and sunglasses, which will help with the feeling of embarrassment. Wish me luck.
Me: *just chilling in class*
My brain: hey what if you made a super long oneshot with an AU about the Samadhi Fire. The five parts of it(the four rings plus Red Son himself) could represent the five stages of grief AND the five elements(because in jttw the Samadhi Fire is made of all elements and that's why it's inextiguishable and super powerful) and the rings took not ring forms and for example the blue ring could be depression and water(despite the obvious choice of having the dragon ring be the water one) and it could take the form of a fish and just imagine it swimming around in nonexistent water in a crater on the moon as if it's a lake, but it's really just swimming around in the air.
And so on, and they arent exactly conscious, but they are constantly trying to go back together, but the one that ended up in Ao Lie DOES have a teensy weensy tiny bit of consciousness and it can experience everything the current person it's in experiences and it hates it because the wanting to go back together again is way more painful like this that it can experience things, and you know just the general feeling of not being able to do anything, being locked inside a foreign body and having to see everything they see.
And Red Son would sometimes randomly get insane, like, immobilizingly painful flashes of pain(aka the pain of the samadhi fire (aka him) being ripped apart) and even more rarely he would, in his dreams, see flashes of what the dragon part sees and like-
Currently working on a reference for my minesona, which is a bigger project than I’m used to but it shouldn’t take forever.. theoretically
Sketchbook Entry Dec 2024: Happy New Years
A small update to mark the beginning of something new. 🌞(I may start doing these once a month since I write these in my sketchbook like a recap ahhh)
First I want to thank everyone for matching my freak when it comes to simping for fromsoft characters lol. I draw what I love and find a lot of joy doing just that.
I have a lot of ideas I want to paint and share and mannnnny wips I need to finish and finally post so they can stop rotting in my dungeon. (ahaha *sweats*)
I haven't forgotten my Godwyn brain rot - he's literally just rotting in my sketchbook unfinished haha- *lays down*
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Final note : I have a goal for opening a shop in the coming months of the new year. Starting with custom soulsborne stickers I made and prints of my work! \[T]/
Currently I am looking for the right paper and size options. (much more planning. *sweats more*)
It feels strange prepping my doodles for something I was too shy to pursue. But I want to share my love for the series and the joy I feel creating these doodles with tangible objects others can hold in their hands.
I hope it brings as much joy. 🌞
Happy New Years and May the sun guide thee. 🌞🍻
Coquette pvz garden warfare 2 icons! 🫛 🎀 🌻
(edited by me 💞)
Been really loving this game recently, really fun and lovely! 🤍
So I thought make some icons since I didn’t post in a really long time 😅
💯% recommend play this game! 🌸
hiii unfortunately I will be in a several months long hiatus since I wanted to focus on my academics and art development irl. My askbox and all activity will be closing by the end of this week or so.
a disclaimer that for the past few months i've been uploading older art i made dating back to August - late September so i haven't been recently making new digital art in a long time until now which is in progress.
with that being said thank you so much for sticking and supporting my works this year, I’m so grateful to have so many mutuals and followers that appreciate my works. Happy Holidays and See you in 2025!
(below are some of my works during 2024! Including traditional)
~Hi! I'm here again to share that I made major updates to my carrd! Please check it out!~
Note: Some areas are a work in progress, still making art and doodles to fill this carrd up!
https://youtu.be/fj9Idze7aao?si=brL4aIeeVIFw6a5
Above is a video showcase link! It's less than a minute and uncommentated
New stuff: a functional Day night cycle, ambient ocean sounds when in Beachclan territory, water fall surround sound noise, waterfall particles in general, (there's a hot key for speeding up time for debugging), crickets at night and more!
Socials: GAMEJOLT, DISCORD SERVER, INSTAGRAM, YOUTUBE, TRELLO BOARD
It's been really nice getting back into making Calms Rewritten! And I hope there's still interest in my warrior cats inspired game :v
See you all next time!
I need to out of this school.
There's nothing worth stressing over when there's only one month and a half left. These past few weeks I've been going nowhere, especially after getting a night shift job at Dollar Tree. "A job's a job, there's will be lazy ä$$hats galore so you gotta deal with it." But I'm sick of that motto. I'm sick of my dad saying this same degrading shït over and over again. I'm sick of these fūçkwåds at school being overdramatic anytime I walk past them cuz I got acne (aka ugly) and ig I stink now (yes. I'm self conscious abt that and figuring out how to stop it). And I physically, mentally, and emotionally can't deal with this. Say what u want. I can brush this crap off but for how long? It's draining and exhausting. Just like how ppl don't like me and can't deal me, I can't deal with them. But ig I'm the problem when I say that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Real talk, I made this big post about why I took a break from tumblr: it was a heartfelt story about my cat (childhood companion) who passed away in April.
Accidentally deleted it in my drafts.
So I’ve got the steam kicked out of me rn, but I will be posting an overdue art comm I got just before shit hit the fan. I just, need a smidge cuz that defeat suuuucks.
Overall though, I’m on the other side so more cool stuff soon
1st Entry
Hi!!!
This my first time posting, and yeah...that's it.
I'll post more content, soon!!!
Kisses
~lovely