Tw Abuse - Blog Posts
Confessions from an emotional abuse victim:
#1 Attention
Sometimes I find myself wanting love and attention, then reprimand myself because a person in my past told me it was wrong. But I have finally realized that human connection is a basic need in life for most people. I shouldn't feel guilty for getting sad when I don't have many opportunities for human connection.
I've gotten so used to either being completely reliant on one person or completely reliant on myself and forgot that there is a different way to live. I can have multiple people I get my connection from without still feeling isolated. I just needed to find the right people while in the right mental state.
...well that's a new memory that I just unrepressed.
That's definitely something that a 12 year old me was told and repeated to herself whenever something happened...
I tend to think that it wasn't so bad and that I've remembered all the big bad stuff but I guess I haven't. Leads to the memory of my twelve year old self admiring her friend because he's using tough love and he's so honest to her about how bad of a person she is and helps her fix it.
(She didn't really do anything wrong, but he yelled at her about it and hit her)
Things they never mention when you cut off someone as a middle schooler:
Sometimes, it can take years to realize how bad things were.
You start out thinking that you just didn't click. Then you begin thinking of it as toxic. Then you start realizing it was manipulative. Then after 3 years, you can finally see it for what it was. You were being abused. It was an abusive relationship.
But you can't go around and say that. After all, you were both 13 and you didn't even date or anything. You were just friends. And sure he was bad to you, but didn't you mess up a bit too?
People tend to make their assumptions and tune out the rest of the story once you bring up that it was in seventh grade.
Meanwhile every time you have to see him in class, you die inside a little more. He makes eye contact with you once and you're in a state of panic for the rest of the week. You're scared that one day he's going to try and do something else- get revenge on you for rebelling against his control and refusing to be his little puppy anymore.
You walk the halls in terror. He could be anywhere, any time, ready to get back at you. He's tested the waters and learned how badly you fear him. He seems to take joy in that.
All your friends swear they would protect you, but you know they wouldn't be able to intervene quick enough to avoid any damage being done- mental or physical. You know that he's still stronger and more set in his views. He wouldn't lose any fight against you, it doesn't matter if he chooses words or fists.
You live in fear. Some don't believe you, others don't fully understand. Some swear to protect you, others seem to think you would deserve it. But no matter what, the only thing you know for sure is that if something happens, you are completely, and utterly, fucked.
//Tw For Abuse, Suicide and other extensive childhood traumas, also long post of pouring my heart out cause I take fictional characters to my poor traumatized heart
Can we really talk about the S4 Vol2 Speech, though?
I can understand Max’s mixed feelings about her brother. I have some of my own about my sister, who behaved a lot like him and hurt me in some ways, even if she didn’t always mean to.
First, I want to talk about the fact that Max HAD TO KNOW that Billy was abused, to some degree.
Not because she was living in the same house as him for years, but because she continues the cycle. After she sedates Billy in the fight at the Byers’, she threatens him—
“Say you understand! Say it!”
A few scenes before this, his father says nearly the exact same thing— “Do you understand? Say it.” (Maybe not exactly but using most of those words.)
So Max would’ve had to have heard it used before, because it would mean she knew that’s how you get Billy to “agree” with something. And Max— Max is a good person. She’s good-natured, funny, and clever.
So you really expect me to think that Max, knowing her brother was abused and didn’t have a mother for some reason, after he sacrificed himself for all of her friends and very nearly the world crying and apologizing over and over in front of her, DIDN’T THINK HE DESERVED TO BE SAVED? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I can understand the idea that he was the greatest “normal-world” terror in her life. My sister didn’t affect me directly, but her problems were a full time job and distracted my parents from me while I was still very young. On top of that, her and my other sister liked to gang up on and bully me. So trust me, I get it.
Let’s take a look at what Billy did.
He grabbed Max, threatened to hit her friends with his car, yelled at her a few times, made a vague comment against Lucas after seeing Max fight with him (which there’s a lot to say about this but I’ll keep it at the fact that Dacre has said this wasn’t racist and that the Dxffers refuse to deal with any issues whatsoever), pushed Lucas up against a wall, and fought with Steve. I’m not including the Vecna/Mind Flayer bs in this because he did it against his will, not to mention the reason he did half this shit.
Yes, I can understand how that could be scary, especially for a thirteen year old. Using my sister as an example yet again, she died at 18, right when she was “starting to get better.” Billy was doing the same, as he and Max seemed to have a truce in between S2/S3. She even said in her book that she wasn’t scared of him, but that’s largely considered “non-canon.” To summarize, she understood he was abused and was even on level terms with him.
With my sister, I was not. I relate to Billy myself, but I largely relate Billy to my sisters, mainly my oldest sister (I really mean this. She acted out and got the attention of older people and went in and out of mental hospitals and was suicidal and got in a fist fight with my mother once, etc etc etc) Like I said before, my sisters bullied me (my parents and grandparents have admitted to me that they even knew they were outright nasty) and my sisters’ problems were largely the cause of one of my biggest issues. My sisters both acted out, distracted my parents from me, my whole family trauma dumped on very young me, etc etc etc. Really, that time of my life was a huge mess. And then my sister died, and even more trauma dumped on me from that (emotional abuse and neglect, divorce trauma, the fact that my sister was fucking dead and never coming back never never never how can someone just disappear, Etc). So we rarely got along and the rest of the time we were mostly neutral.
I’m not going to lie. I don’t really do it anymore, but when I was younger I’d curl up and cry about how I was all alone because my parents were to busy with them. I blamed them. I still do, but not in a how-could-you-do-that-to-me way and more of a these-events-caused-you-pain-and-got-you-attention-and-I-suffered-in-silence-for-multiple-reasons-that-aren’t-your-fault way.
You know what I don’t do? Say she didn’t deserve to be saved. Cause she did. She really fucking did. She could be mean and horrible and cold and she wasn’t even close to me but she was only eighteen, only for a couple of months (like Billy), and she was still a baby, she wasn’t even old enough to drink. She was small, she was always small, she’s just a kid. She was getting better and learning how to cope and being nicer to me and she was finding a purpose and getting a handle on herself and then she was just—
Gone. I still don’t understand how someone can just stop existing. Me and my sister still talk about how we expect her to just walk through the door, smack us on the back of the head, and laugh at us for believing it— that anything could ever kill her, of all people. That it was some big joke and we were dumbasses for believing it. It’s been years now, but I still break down at night crying over her. My sister and I have this bone-deep understanding of each other now that I can’t explain— it’s so genuine and whole that it kinda scares me. We call each other after nightmares and share dreams with her in them. My sister blames all of the “paranormal” activity in her house on her and tells me about it. Every time I see a bug (her nickname) or a rainbow I send it to her. When I was younger, I used to wish something would happen, either to her or to me, just so something would change. Do you know what I think every day? How she deserved better. How it should’ve been me or someone else. How she deserved to be saved.
Because “inconvenient” abuse victims deserve to be saved. People who’ve been broken and beaten and discarded and ignored and assaulted their whole lives aren’t irremediable and they deserved to be saved. My sisters deserved to be saved and I deserved to be saved and people like us, people like Billy, deserved to be saved too.
In short, fuck the Duffle Bag Bitches. I’m keeping this eccentric rat fucker close to my fucking heart and I’ll redeem and defend him eight thousand times if it means someone like me, like us, like Billy gets even a glimmer of hope to keep going.
It was a really big missed opportunity to not explore! I thought that when we saw the abuse scene with him and his dad, they would point out how his dad is extremely racist (let’s be honest, he is). This would then lead to a deeper dive into Billy’s character, and how he was only being “racist” towards Lucas because he knew that Max would get hurt because of it. He needed to stop it before the news could get to his dad as if it didn’t matter if he saw it. But if his dad saw, he would also begin to abuse Max. Which was something he would not let happen to his little sister. This is coming from my own experiences as an older sibling, and what I already know about psychology (with it being my major).
I think the thing that bothers me most about the racism storyline with Billy is that it’s handled so poorly, it centers Max so much, that it becomes a “not all white people” storyline. Lucas is incidental to it, really, because at the end his feelings about what happened aren’t even discussed. He never gets to talk about it. The white people “fixed” the racism for him and now it’s done forever and we never talk about it again. Only Max even knows what Billy said? Who makes a racism storyline where the whole point is to valorize white people? What kind of seventh heaven ass storyline is that?
And I understand at the end of that story not liking Billy. It couldn’t be me, because I want Billy to learn differently and be better to Lucas. I want an actual resolution. But I guess I understand if you just skate on the surface, thinking Max is good white person and Billy is Bad white person and not thinking beyond that. Because the story doesn’t ask you to.
Blood warning!
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I see lots of fanfics that talk about the Grimwalker stories and myths as Grimwalkers being these predators that hunt witches and are these monster that feed off of flesh, but all of these are usually false and like I said just myths.
So what if that wasn’t the case? What if Grimwalkers were the flesh craving beasts everyone thinks they are. Aka me giving Hunter the Tokyo Ghoul treatment (kinda)
This image takes place during Thanks to Them, he’s hunting and consuming animals to sustain himself but they can only do so much. He keeps it a secret because he’s ashamed, scared and full of self loathing. Unfortunately you can only sneak out and wash your clothes so frequently until you get caught.
…
The craving flesh started around the time Hunter started hitting his second stage of puberty, so around 12 to 13 years old. It started off as spouts of aggression, weight loss and odd carvings that he suppressed until he eventually snapped and attacked a scout. Once he consumed flesh, there was no going back.
This happened with a few Grimwalkers, typically one made around pubescent years due to this being a natural development. Grimwalkers who are made as adults don’t get this since get miss that developmental period. A reason why Belos made Grimwalkers strictly adults for hundreds of years before trying out a new experiment.
When Belos made Hunter, he was aware of this and rather than kill Hunter off or just make an adult Grimwalker, he decided he can benefit from a “monster” needing a source of food.
Hence, Hunter picking up a reputation for being “feral.” Belos supplies Hunter with blood and flesh but not enough to satisfy him, just the minimum to keep him alive. This is to keep Hunter at a state where he’s willing to do more work to earn more food but unfortunately this just results in cases of Hunter going “too far” aka mauling different beings (witches, beasts, demons, ect) during missions on the accounts he’s literally starving and being triggered in fights.
He can eat normal food but his sense of taste is bit dull and doesn’t give him the nutrition he needs. He can eat and eat and it will do nothing. He learns to satisfy himself through eating animals he hunts during missions. When he gets to the human realm he eats his food with an overwhelming amount of seasoning just to taste it.
He also has a very strong jaw and sharp teeth, like hyena type stuff.
(Imagine a scenario he pauses a mission mid way to go hunt some voles and eat them raw and the scouts just standing there like-)
After Hollow mind Hunter struggles because now he’s has little source of witch or demon flesh (he raids the healing classes for blood and kitchen for uncooked meat)
So during thanks to them he’s forced to live with three witches, a basilisk, two humans who are somewhat similar to witches and oh boy he struggles. His friends are concerned. Camila notices Hunter eats a lot but still looks like he isn’t gaining weight, Gus notices that he sneaks out, Vee smells something wrong with him, Luz sees how on edge he is, Amity catches on to his burst of aggression (caused by hunger and stress) and Willow notices he avoids them.
They all already knows something is off with him (heightened senses, unusual teeth and jaw strength, glowing eyes, unusually tight and powerful muscles despite how gaunt he is) but only Luz knows he’s a grimwalker but hasn’t quite put the peices that’s he’s a unnatural, natural predator to witches and demons. The witches, Vee and even the humans feel a slight primal fear around Hunter but they can’t quite put the reason why, he puts them on edge even if they love him but something’s off.
Despite the fact that all of them are willing to give him blood, even some flesh if they could, the boy just refuses, since he sees himself as a literal monster that needs to be locked up.
This is me giving Hunter Grimwalker trauma x100. Anywho this is my late Halloween post aka my billionth AU idea. This was inspired by Tokyo Ghoul, Ginger snaps(2000) and the fic [redacted] Hunter by ApaMonkey on ao3! Yall should read it!
I have a weakness for flesh craving characters who aren’t villains but they aren’t so common so of course I had to project that love to my own skrunkly!
Toh Hospital Au
(I’ve never actually watched any hospital dramas before)
This is just a adult human Au except with a focus on medicine
Luz, an oncologist, was determined to be one after the passing of her father.
Amity, pediatric rheumatologist, inspired by her own hand pain. Was originally going to be a dermatologist to make Odalia proud but met Luz in college after becoming roommates with her and changed her plans into a field she was actually passionate in. Pediatric because is Amity good with kids.
Vee is a RN in the ER. She good at adapting at different situations which is good for more high stake places like the ER. Her and Luz are sisters of course with Camila very proud of them both. She’s adopted. She didn’t want to go to medical school so decided on being a nurse instead. Worked in the hospital longer than Luz.
Gus is a patient advocate, he would be good very successful at his job and passionate on helping his clients receive the best treatment he can. He’s taken many clients with Luz.
Willow is sports medicine physician because it’s in her interest in athletics and helping others. She definitely still a plant addict and they cover her house and garden.
Hunter is a cytopathologist. He had a tough past (understatement) and was pretty isolated in college and medical school. He thought it would be the same in the hospital since he already took a no live patient job until he transferred to a different hospital and met Luz in the Cancer unit when diagnosing some patients. Where she invited him to hang out after work and they became friends along with the others.
They all look like older versions of their post-canon looks since they’re all in the mid 30s, except Gus who is like 31 to 32. Hunter still has his scars except their burn scars instead of possession ones. Luz and Amity are married and live together. Belos died sometime in Hunter stay in medical school and Amity, and her siblings are no contact with Odalia
Stringbean in a normal snake that Luz got from a rescue, Emmiline is a normal chameleon Gus recused, ghost is a normal cat Amity got in college, Clover is a bunny rescue( I’m not giving Willow a pet bee I’m sorry, instead her fathers do bee keeping as a hobby). Flapjack a cardinal that just lives with Hunter, like one day he showed and didn’t leave, he basically made Hunter his pet. Also Waffles does the same thing a few years later (because I love her). Flapjack lives longer than the average cardinal due to Hunter basically taking care of him. The other laugh when they find out he basically has two wild birds living with him.
Belos was pretty abusive to Hunter growing up until Hunter fled for college after realizing that it wasn’t right how he was treating him. He tried going no contact a few times but always broke it untill Belos eventually passed away while he was in medical school after succumbing to an illness. Belos was a successful pastor. (He was the owner one of those mega churches n stuff.) Hunters parents are Caleb and Evelyn. Caleb was killed by someone “unkown”, Evelyn died from an accidental overdose when Hunter was young, where Belos got custody of him rather than the Clawthorne family. The burn scars came from an “accident” in middle school for Hunter.
Gus went to high school early and had a hard time with people not taking him seriously in both school and even when doing his job ( no body cared in college) but was able it receive support from his friends and push forward.
They all met in college and became friends (except Hunter who went somewhere else). Amity and Willow here childhood friends before Amity began bullying her in middle school where they went to separate high schools. Gus and Willow met in high school and were also roommates in college.
Other notes,
Viney is a general practitioner, puddles is an absurdly large pigeon she has.
Emira is a paramedic.
Other characters are not in the medical field like Edric who’s a small animal veterinarian, Lilith who is a historian, and Eda who is a store owner.
Again this is basically my Human realm Au with emphasis on the medical field.
When You Think About Me, All Of Those Years Ago
Rating: Mature
Ship: Gem/Pearl
Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Unhealthy Relationships, Domestic Abuse, Whump, Pearl-centric
Summary: Pearl has lost it all. She forced the only person she could ever love out her front door, and after years of one night stands and drinking to forget, she's engaged with a man. A man who grips her wrist and forces her into bed, who doesn't love her for herself and only the title of fiancé.
After waking in the middle of the night, and realising she has nothing left to live for, she sets out in the dark to right the one wrong which had torn her life apart beyond measure.
Word Count: 2,646
Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63148051/chapters/161722069
Chapters: 1/?
Teaser:
She'd once held Gem so delicately, hands in her hair and on her hips. She used to call her baby, and her's, and her darling. She'd even called her love before. But she had never called it love before.
I just would like to add, not correct or change any of this:
People with personality disorders, anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc are SOMETIMES ALSO ABUSERS and their mental health definitely plays into their patterns of abuse. I've...unfortunately been on both ends of being abused by a mentally ill person. I'm not proud of how I behaved on one end and and my experiences at the other won't excuse that, ever.
That being said, language is highly important and it IS critical to avoid generalizing terms for oppressed groups like mentally ill and disordered people, so yes to all of the above. Just...remember people are complicated, yeah?
Can I please find a single resource for abusive relationships without there being "narcissistic" in the tile like come on.
Not my usually post and I apologize for my lack of uploading but a friend needs help!
He risks homelessness and anything helps. I will personally draw an icon for anyone who sends him 15bucks or more. Just dm me proof and it's yours once I get the chance to draw it
