It just hit me that I don’t want recovery, I just want to be happy.
And I know that recovery won’t change anything, eating won’t cure me of my depression so what’s the point. I don’t know how to feel now to be honest, I’ve romanticised getting sick enough to recover for so long because I thought it would bring that happiness but it won’t so now I don’t know what to do. I think that’s why I’ve been so suicidal lately, because I know deep down I’m just gonna be miserable forever no matter what I do so what’s the point in living at all.
Just woke up and weighed in at 47.7kg, .2kg under my goal weight. I know I should be excited but I’m not, I feel indifferent. In fact, I feel more fat than ever.
My next GW is 45kg.