I don’t know what it is about you
That makes you sabotage it every single time
Ripping craters into earth
Opening gates to what might be called hell
Standing on the edge, balanced
Grabbing my hand
Jumping
Clamped together
I never wanted to fall
Life on the edge was great
But again and again
You need us to hurt
So here we are
Falling
and falling
and falling
and falling
~ honestlywhatfor ~
We love each other
neither one of us wants to admit it, but
in the weirdest way possible
we love each other
~ honestlywhatfor ~
One minute in your arms can make me forget all my doubts.
A power I never wanted you to have.
~ honestlywhatfor ~
There’s nothing more heartbreaking
than being surrounded by the people that used to be your safe space
and realizing
that there’s a distance that has never been there before
and knowing
that you were the one
to create it
I’m so sorry for being a wreck
I miss you all
I’m trying
I love the dark, but still
I’m the happiest when I feel the sun kissing my skin
I love warm weather, but still
there’s nothing compared to sitting on a sledge and rushing down a hill
I love my home, but still
breathing fresh air and hearing the birds chirping is what keeps me alive
I love being happy on my own, but still
I don’t want to go on this journey of happiness alone,
I want to share it with you
Life is full of “but still”s and there’s nothing wrong with that
As long as you can see the beauty in every single one of them
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And you seem to have a hole puncher in your back pocket at all times
A lighter at hand as well
Punching, ripping, burning my once whole paper
Leaving me with a sad little snippet
A little crumpled up, even after a lot of smoothing
There’s this pathetic peace of paper I’m holding onto
It’s not much
And it won’t last forever
But I won’t give up
Because I can still read the words
Scrawled in your handwriting
“I love you”
Trust is a fragile piece of paper
And as long as it’s marked by you
My pitiful peace of paper
Will stay with me
At all times
Cried on my way to work today
Screaming empowering songs in the car but not feeling them
Yesterday was one of the harder days
I lost you...again
And no matter how many times we’ve already been through this, the pain never lessened
24 hours, from “Hey we should be spending more time together” to “We should end things here, I can’t do this no more”
World? Crushed
Heart? Broken
Again and again and again
Loving you ruins me
But
I
Just
Can’t
Stop
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t know how we reached the point that your apartment feels like home
Your bed sheets smell like me
There are shirts specifically chosen for me to put on at night when I’m coming over
Your fridge stores my favorite foods
Your shower gel is the one I once left there
I’m laying in your bed right now,
You’re at work already, your alarm always wakes me up first, but I rarely stay awake until you’re out the door
I feel at home here
You’re my home
But we don’t even consider each other dating
We’re just us
Complicated
But nevertheless addicted
Panic attacks at night
Swollen eyes, crusty lips
Fear of existence
Coating my red face in tears
Shivers shaking my body
I’m a loser
“Come here”
Sudden relaxation
My hand clinging to the pocket on the front of your hoodie
“It’s okay, don’t worry”
Forehead kisses
Careful strokes over my back
Calming my breath
“I’m sorry”
“For what?”
“Dragging you into this mess”
“I don’t mind your mess, I’m here to reorganize”
I radiate light
I am sunshine
So please stop trying to tell me
That I need you
When I surely know
You always dimmed my light
So others wouldn’t see my glory
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Happiness over relationships,
forever from now on
~ honestlywhatfor
Seeing you again was
different than I had anticipated it
It was
Alright
For my soul somehow found peace in the pain that you had left me with
Learning and growing in the process of it
Phases
I’m a full moon now
I like your stars around
But I don’t need you to light up my night
I am the moon
In full beauty
Shining through the darkness
By myself
Like it was always meant to be
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I don’t miss you
I miss the way we were when we were together
I miss being held
I miss being loved
I miss having a “us”
But not us in particular
Because we were wrong in so many ways
So no, I don’t miss you
I just miss having a you
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Our story could fill a whole trilogy. But I’d never write it down because some things need to be left unsaid. Now gathering dust in the shelves our lives are made of.
I have drafts of poetry in my phone I won’t ever finish
Words I started writing when times were different
I won’t ever get to finish them because everything turned out different than the thoughts of the past anticipated it
Not better, not worse
But different
So I now have drafts of poetry in my phone that I can’t finish
Because out of all the “what ifs”, fate chose the one I was most scared of
And the words that were written in the past are to delicate to be burdened by destiny’s cruel choices of today
I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house
Hoping it’s you,
Knowing it’s not.
I’m still learning to get over you,
Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time
Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together
I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not
I’m still proud of myself
One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
You couldn’t give me the love I deserved
You hurt me really bad without regretting a single one of your moves
But I’ve learned that that’s okay
You broke me and had fun with it
I’ve grown from it, you’re still stuck
I won
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
It’s your birthday
I’ve feared this day for the past month
This night I woke up 8 times, thinking I forgot to tell you happy birthday as the first person on this special day like I always did, followed by a tight hug and a sweet kiss
Just to remember that you wouldn’t even answer the phone now if you’d see my name on the screen
And I’m hurt
Because I do wish you nothing but the happiest birthday ever, but I know I’m no longer part of it and I would ruin your day by saying hi
Happy birthday my love
May this year bring nothing but brightness to you
And maybe you’ll never quite understand what you did to me
And maybe I’ll have to live with that
And maybe...just maybe,
That will be okay
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Missing you makes me feel weak
You shouldn’t miss someone who broke you
Someone who took advantage of your kindness
Someone who made you feel worthless, still does
Someone who treats you like an option
Someone who does not care if they hurt you
Someone who never thinks twice
Someone like you
But I still do
Learning to be alone again is a process I’m still stuck in
But deep down I know
Missing you is better than being mistreated by you
So fuck missing someone like you
~ excerpts of me moving on ~
Karma will handle it for me
You keep switching between me and her.
Try thinking about others for once.
We’re humans as well and your behavior towards us is nothing but inhumane.
Go fuck yourself.
Silence.
5 weeks of total silence. Nothing but our friends telling me that you don’t want to see me, telling me about how you turned right around, the second you heard I’d come too and went back home.
I felt stupid. Uncomfortable, since you brought me there first and now I’m the one keeping you away from this place that was once ours.
Sad, angry, desperate for explanation. Why are you acting as if I was the one who messed up. I did nothing but show you love. Making you laugh in moments of sadness, sharing moments of true happiness, bringing you comfort after a busy day at work.
And damn did I try hard.
And damn did it hurt to fall back into reality, losing hold on cloud nine. Free fall. Hitting rock bottom.
Broken, but still looking after you from afar. Now watching her settle on the cloud that was ours, her making you smile.
I’m crying down here watching you two fly high, reaching cloud nine. But as long as I can see your smile, I’ll stay on the cold ground.
Ready to catch you, the moment you might fall.
Yes
I feel stranded
on a lonely island in the middle of nowhere
nothing but the tide
that keeps me alive
day after day
wave after wave
Yes
I feel lost
in space where darkness is everything
stars flying by gifting me wishes
that may never come true
knowing my only wish
will forever be you
Yes
I feel overlooked
in the middle of a field, branches twelve feet high
beetles crawling side by side
fearing getting crushed by them
missing the safety
of your arms around me
Yes
I feel love
wherever I am, no matter the time
it’s stroking my side
there’s no place to hide
it’s my true love for you
I just wish that you knew
Yes
I really do
~honestlywhatfor
I wish I were Heather. That’s not her name but now everyone knows what I mean since Conan Gray explained it to us.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is one of the prettiest human beings I’ve ever seen and not because she is just as nice as an angel and vibes positivity, but because someone told me how you are feeling about her.
“He’s in love with her.” I guess that sentence will reverberate in my mind for quite some time. I still remember feeling the sadness crawling up my throat and stopping me from breathing. Gasping as the pain slowly sunk into my bones. That’s where it’s still sitting right now.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is closer to your age and she has already been friends with the people you hang out with before they even knew me and not because she lives closer to town so you somehow always end up at hers whenever you don’t have a ride home, but because I feel you drifting away from me while you seem to be getting closer to her.
I know you love me. Your brother basically tried to tattoo that onto my forehead because he knows how much I doubt it sometimes and how easy it is for me to put myself down. But I don’t think you know it.
What you know is that your sisters love me. The little one begging the older one to convince you to marry me one day and the older one telling me, smiling and nodding her head, that she can see it as well and she is praying that you won’t fuck it up. You know that.
You know that your brother loves me. Not as much as your ex, but “super fucking close” as he always says. I get it, he’s best friends with her so I totally get it. And I am thankful for your brother because he is the mental support I need whenever I feel stuck with our situation. He’ll tell me you love me, he’ll tell me your family loves me and he’ll tell me that he loves me most. Because he likes the you that you are when I’m around and he thanks me for making you happy again after such a dark time in your life.
And as much as they tell me that you love me I still wish I were her. Because as much as I loved seeing how happy you are with me, the more it breaks my heart to see how your eyes sparkle around her.
I loved building you up and I loved how you helped me to build up myself again, but I guess it’s her turn now. She gets what I built.
That’s why I wish I were her.
...
...
And to add something that fits with Conan Grays song a little bit more: I once took your sweater when you gave me your keys to go get the wine and when I came back and you saw me in your sweater, you said I looked like the smallest bean you’ve ever seen and threw me over your shoulder. We laughed. We were happy...You never gave her your sweater, the one you left me was cotton, not polyester. I still wish I were Heather.
“I love looking at the night sky”
“You do? Weren’t you always scared of the dark?”
“I was- I mean I still am, but look how bright everything up there seems to be. Isn’t it amazing to know that most of these stars don’t even exist anymore, but their light still travels through space and brightens our nights? Something that’s long gone and still shows us its beauty.”
“That surely is wonderful.”
“I know, right?”
“But then what about the moon? It needs to be shown off by the sun, can’t even shine by itself and still - everyone is amazed by it. Isn’t that unfair?”
“Some grace needs help to blossom. I love the moon and everything about it. These nightly rays that light up the dark and then feeling them shine on me - that makes me feel magical.”
“You are magical.”
“Don’t you dare try to make this about me. It’s about the beauty of the universe.”
“But why? When I feel your eyes on me I feel magical, I feel like you help me blossom every single day and I for sure guarantee you that your beauty will forever shine on in this universe.”
“Don’t be silly, I ain’t got no shine. And it won’t be seen forever in no universe.”
“In my universe it will.”
There’s this girl. She just thought of your smile and the way your hand runs through your hair that has gotten way too long again.
And she cuddles up in bed and wishes you would be next to her, snoring, but unintentionally pullin her closer to your chest.
There’s this girl. She remembers every minute you two have spent together and she gets sad whenever you are gone for too long.
And she sits next to her friends who are making fun of her for falling for a guy that isn’t even her type.
There’s this girl. She thinks a lot about her Ex lately, but only because she’s afraid that you might turn out to be the same as him.
And she tells herself that she isn’t in love.
And she keeps repeating that she does not want to be in a relationship with you.
And she is writing about you, hoping it’ll clear her mind.
And she hates remembering every time your friends talk about the girls you’ve had, even since you two have been spending so much time together.
And she keeps telling herself that you two are not in a relationship.
And she acts like she doesn’t care.
And she is trying to look at other guys as well, but somehow it does not work for her the way it seems to do for you.
And she keeps a smile on her face.
And she keeps laughing.
And she keeps coming back to you.
Tere’s this girl. She’s sad, she’s hurting, she’s breaking. But out of habit, she keeps the canvas up.
Don’t keep hurting her. Don’t give her forehead kisses when you’re doing the same to any other girl you’ll meet on the weekends.
Don’t tell her how much she means to you when you’ll go out partying knowing she’ll be home alone waiting for your call that you’ve made it home safe.
Don’t keep hurting her. She does not deserve that. She deserves better. And if you know that there are guys out there that could make her happier than you because they’d make an effort and try, let her go.
Don’t keep that girl for yourself if you’re not planning to think about her smile whenever you need comfort.
There’s this girl. She’s typing this. She’s crying.
She fucked up.
Sometimes I open tumblr because I feel like writing. And then I sit and stare at the blank canvas that longs to be filled by my thoughts but I just...can’t. I can’t. And it makes me angry. I want to write something, I need to write something, but trying to pin down the words that are constantly circling around my head makes me realize that I don’t have a f*vking clue.
I don’t know
Anything
I’m lost in my own mind and the longer I stare at the letters in front of me the harder it gets to come back up and breathe fresh air.
I don’t know
Anything
At all
And I can’t help but hate the words that make it onto the pages because they are not what I want them to be and they make me believe things that aren’t there and
Damn
I really don’t know
Anything
At all
Or at least that’s what this post makes me believe.