Thought - Blog Posts
I wish I were Heather
I wish I were Heather. That’s not her name but now everyone knows what I mean since Conan Gray explained it to us.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is one of the prettiest human beings I’ve ever seen and not because she is just as nice as an angel and vibes positivity, but because someone told me how you are feeling about her.
“He’s in love with her.” I guess that sentence will reverberate in my mind for quite some time. I still remember feeling the sadness crawling up my throat and stopping me from breathing. Gasping as the pain slowly sunk into my bones. That’s where it’s still sitting right now.
I wish I were her. Not only because she is closer to your age and she has already been friends with the people you hang out with before they even knew me and not because she lives closer to town so you somehow always end up at hers whenever you don’t have a ride home, but because I feel you drifting away from me while you seem to be getting closer to her.
I know you love me. Your brother basically tried to tattoo that onto my forehead because he knows how much I doubt it sometimes and how easy it is for me to put myself down. But I don’t think you know it.
What you know is that your sisters love me. The little one begging the older one to convince you to marry me one day and the older one telling me, smiling and nodding her head, that she can see it as well and she is praying that you won’t fuck it up. You know that.
You know that your brother loves me. Not as much as your ex, but “super fucking close” as he always says. I get it, he’s best friends with her so I totally get it. And I am thankful for your brother because he is the mental support I need whenever I feel stuck with our situation. He’ll tell me you love me, he’ll tell me your family loves me and he’ll tell me that he loves me most. Because he likes the you that you are when I’m around and he thanks me for making you happy again after such a dark time in your life.
And as much as they tell me that you love me I still wish I were her. Because as much as I loved seeing how happy you are with me, the more it breaks my heart to see how your eyes sparkle around her.
I loved building you up and I loved how you helped me to build up myself again, but I guess it’s her turn now. She gets what I built.
That’s why I wish I were her.
...
...
And to add something that fits with Conan Grays song a little bit more: I once took your sweater when you gave me your keys to go get the wine and when I came back and you saw me in your sweater, you said I looked like the smallest bean you’ve ever seen and threw me over your shoulder. We laughed. We were happy...You never gave her your sweater, the one you left me was cotton, not polyester. I still wish I were Heather.
Shine on
“I love looking at the night sky”
“You do? Weren’t you always scared of the dark?”
“I was- I mean I still am, but look how bright everything up there seems to be. Isn’t it amazing to know that most of these stars don’t even exist anymore, but their light still travels through space and brightens our nights? Something that’s long gone and still shows us its beauty.”
“That surely is wonderful.”
“I know, right?”
“But then what about the moon? It needs to be shown off by the sun, can’t even shine by itself and still - everyone is amazed by it. Isn’t that unfair?”
“Some grace needs help to blossom. I love the moon and everything about it. These nightly rays that light up the dark and then feeling them shine on me - that makes me feel magical.”
“You are magical.”
“Don’t you dare try to make this about me. It’s about the beauty of the universe.”
“But why? When I feel your eyes on me I feel magical, I feel like you help me blossom every single day and I for sure guarantee you that your beauty will forever shine on in this universe.”
“Don’t be silly, I ain’t got no shine. And it won’t be seen forever in no universe.”
“In my universe it will.”
The story continues to be written but I miss you
She fucked up
There’s this girl. She just thought of your smile and the way your hand runs through your hair that has gotten way too long again.
And she cuddles up in bed and wishes you would be next to her, snoring, but unintentionally pullin her closer to your chest.
There’s this girl. She remembers every minute you two have spent together and she gets sad whenever you are gone for too long.
And she sits next to her friends who are making fun of her for falling for a guy that isn’t even her type.
There’s this girl. She thinks a lot about her Ex lately, but only because she’s afraid that you might turn out to be the same as him.
And she tells herself that she isn’t in love.
And she keeps repeating that she does not want to be in a relationship with you.
And she is writing about you, hoping it’ll clear her mind.
And she hates remembering every time your friends talk about the girls you’ve had, even since you two have been spending so much time together.
And she keeps telling herself that you two are not in a relationship.
And she acts like she doesn’t care.
And she is trying to look at other guys as well, but somehow it does not work for her the way it seems to do for you.
And she keeps a smile on her face.
And she keeps laughing.
And she keeps coming back to you.
Tere’s this girl. She’s sad, she’s hurting, she’s breaking. But out of habit, she keeps the canvas up.
Don’t keep hurting her. Don’t give her forehead kisses when you’re doing the same to any other girl you’ll meet on the weekends.
Don’t tell her how much she means to you when you’ll go out partying knowing she’ll be home alone waiting for your call that you’ve made it home safe.
Don’t keep hurting her. She does not deserve that. She deserves better. And if you know that there are guys out there that could make her happier than you because they’d make an effort and try, let her go.
Don’t keep that girl for yourself if you’re not planning to think about her smile whenever you need comfort.
There’s this girl. She’s typing this. She’s crying.
She fucked up.
Why am I like this
Sometimes I open tumblr because I feel like writing. And then I sit and stare at the blank canvas that longs to be filled by my thoughts but I just...can’t. I can’t. And it makes me angry. I want to write something, I need to write something, but trying to pin down the words that are constantly circling around my head makes me realize that I don’t have a f*vking clue.
I don’t know
Anything
I’m lost in my own mind and the longer I stare at the letters in front of me the harder it gets to come back up and breathe fresh air.
I don’t know
Anything
At all
And I can’t help but hate the words that make it onto the pages because they are not what I want them to be and they make me believe things that aren’t there and
Damn
I really don’t know
Anything
At all
Or at least that’s what this post makes me believe.
Making it count
Last week I was at a classmates funeral. Everything about it seemed wrong. She just turned 18 three weeks ago, therefore being way too young to leave this world and as I stood at her open grave, looking down at the bright wooden coffin her dainty body was in, imagining her just sleeping inside, I felt like I’m living my life the wrong way.
In that moment everything seemed so important to me. Because standing there, watching her older sister break down in tears, filled my heart with so much fear of not only dying but losing people I love before I had the chance to tell them everything I wanted them to know and spending as much time together as possible.
In that moment I wanted to call both my parents and tell them I loved them.
I wanted to wrap my arms around every single one of my friends and thank them for the best memories ever.
I wanted to tell my favourite teachers how much they inspired me and helped to create a new version, a better one, of me throughout the past years.
I wanted to make sure my brother knew that he has always been my favourite person on this planet no matter how hard we had fought in the past.
I wanted to show up at this particular boy’s door and just kiss him and thank him for slowly putting back all the pieces of my broken heart another one had left me alone with.
I wanted to be fearless. To be brave enough to just do whatever I felt like. To stop caring about what others might think of me and do whatever my heart desired.
I wanted to make every single minute of my life count, because I realized how fast everything might fall apart.
RIP Leo,
forever loved.
My brain is stupid I guess but at least my best friend isn’t
“I don’t love him, but that’s not the problem. The problem is that deep down I know that I could love him, but my body just tells me not to. I know that I would love every little feature of him. His stupid jokes, his deep questions he always sends me right after work, his way of telling me that he likes me, the way he wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my chest like he would like to melt into me, his tickle attacks whenever he notices that my mind is zoned out again, his texts in the middle of the night whenever he’s out with friends asking me whether I’m still awake because he misses my voice and would like to call me but doesn’t want to wake me up, his hand running up and down my spine just out of reflex as soon as I’m next to him, the way he smiles at me when he sees me smiling already and so much more. Oh god believe me I know I could love him with all my heart. What’s wrong with me for not loving him?”
“Give it some time. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like that before, maybe what you experience is love, real love I mean. Maybe you are just so overwhelmed that your first instinct is to build up a wall, but deep down you know you could love him. Maybe you need to let that wall down to see that you’ve loved him all this time already.”
“But what if not? What if this time I’m the heartbreaker?”
“At least you would know that you’ve tried.”
“I don’t want to know that I’ve tried, I want it to work.”
“Then make it work.”
I wish I could fall in love with you
I’m a person that falls in love easily.
I’ve fallen for the boy on the bus that always saved me a seat in the morning. I’ve fallen for the guy that drove me around town on the back of his motor cycle. I’ve fallen for a boy who just kept texting me whenever he felt like it. It took me about 2 seconds to fall in love with my ex. The list seems endless.
I never really liked that about myself, I felt naive and vulnerable and everyone else seemed to notice it as well.
But now there’s this guy. He would save me a seat on every bus we’d ever get on, he drives me around whenever I ask him to and he keeps texting me, telling me that he just thought of me and wished I’d be with him right now. And god is he wholesome.
And god do I hate myself for not falling in love with him.
Hot as Fire - Cool as Ice
They are so different, yet I‘ve loved them both. One irascible like a wildfire, the other as calm as falling snowflakes. With one I felt like I could conquer the world, nothing would stop us and still I’ve fallen for a man with whom we would build up a peaceful new world ourselves. Arguments or silence, angry tears or sad ones? “I love you”, they both said but were showing it completely different. Soothing and sweet or loud yet effective? Rebellious or settled? Fire or Ice? Ice or Fire? I don’t see it.
They are so different, yet I’ve loved them both. But one I can say: neither of them loved me right.
Today was a beautiful day
Today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I listened to my favorite music all day long. My thoughts were light and positive and my face showed a constant little smile. I was happy. After being down for such a long time today felt like a dream. Ups and downs are normal, but once you’ve experienced a very long Low, every little Up will bring joy even though you may have felt like you’ll be stuck in the depth of your own mind forever. I’ll tell you that you can handle it. Believe me it’ll be worth it. Try fighting for every single Up your life might bring you.
Today was a beautiful day and I’m pretty sure more will follow.
Sweet dreams
I’m laying here, awake. It’s the middle of the night and I don’t know how but I thought I heard your voice and so I woke up. Now I’m laying here, thinking. I don’t even know what it is about you, my heart loves so much. You’re great, but I don’t see why my heart thinks it’s okay to get broken day by day, instead of just letting go. I’m laying here, dreaming. Not of anything that has happened, but of everything that could still occur. Anything good, nothing of the bad stuff has a place in my dreams. At least not in the ones I’m dreaming when I’m awake. I’m awake, thinking and dreaming. I guess you’re asleep not dreaming about anything particular and when you wake up, your mind is clear. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and notice everything I’ve done for you and what you ignorant prick have put me through. But until then, sweet dreams L.
Last Thursday
„I‘m lonely, you know.“ I slowly sank back into the grass and looked up into the sky, filled with stars shining down at us. - „I don’t see the problem, honey. Just go up to him and tell him how you feel. To be honest I‘ve experienced that I’ve never really noticed someone in that way until they came up to me and I realized that they’d be a perfect match.” - “But you’re different, people wanna be noticed by you.” - “Honey, you’re worth so much more than you think. I swear this guy over there is the luckiest man alive, and the only problem is-“ - “The only problem is that he doesn’t know yet.”
It’s about you
I miss you since the last time we spoke. I wish I could bury my head into your hoodie and get one of these hugs I’ve been missing so dearly. I wish I could see your smile, knowing that I’m the person who made you laugh...
There’s so much that I’m wishing for in the moment, but I just want you to know that every single wish that appears in my head is
only
about
you
I wish I would’ve said it
It was cold out, everyone was drunk. I fell asleep on your shoulder, you let me. I wrapped my arms around your left one to keep myself from falling, you let me. They left and went to his house. We stayed. You woke me up, let’s go to the fireplace, you said. And we went, my arms still around you. Half the city watched the burning flames, celebrating nobody knows what. Warm colored reflections on your skin, flames in your eyes, smile on your face. I loved watching you like that. You turned your head to me, said something, blushed and looked away again. I wish I would still remember what you said. My eyes got heavy and I put my head on your shoulder again, you let me. You kept me from falling, always keeping an eye on me. You held on tighter to me as everyone started singing, still celebrating nobody knows what. I loved watching your lips move as you silently sang with em. You laid you head on top of mine, perfect height, you said and we both chuckled. Exactly one head taller, they said and watched us with sparks in their eyes. I loved being there with you. I told you about my thoughts on your friends and you nodded and told me about what you thought about mine. Us two being the only connection between the groups. I loved being the person you let inside your head for a second. I loved being by your side. I loved being me in these exact moments, because that meant having you right next to me. I loved your little laughs. I loved your kisses on the head. I loved your arms around me. I loved watching the flames slowly dancing with you. I loved everything about that night. But it ended, and I for sure didn’t love that. I wanted to tell you everything I loved about this night and how much I didn’t want it to end. And still, to this day, I wish I would’ve said it.
I kinda hate you
I hate that it’s always me who starts the conversation, it’s always my part to show interest and then you just follow up later. I hate that I have to text you first every time and only then you’ll remember that you wanted to talk to me. I hate that it seems like everyone knows you better than me. I hate that you don’t remember what we talked about even though we both had the best of our times. I hate that your friends don’t get along with mine. I hate that my parents always ask about you and then I realize there is nothing I can tell them about that really matters. I hate that I can’t stop looking at you. I hate that you cant even smile at me when your friends are around. I hate that we only connect when we’re drunk. I hate that I can almost remember every single word you said to me since we met. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate that I dream of you every single night. I hate that you’re the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hate that my heart starts beating faster whenever I think of you. I hate that I can’t stop smiling for a week when you are nice to me for once. I hate that you are nice to me sometimes. I hate that you can’t make up your mind. I hate that I don’t get it. I hate that I recognize your voice through hundreds of people speaking. I hate that my favorite color reminds me of you. I hate that your smell will forever be stuck in my mind. I hate that you drive extra safely whenever I’m on the back of your motor circle. I hate that you hurt me over and over again by flirting with other people. I hate that I can’t live a day without the thought of you. I hate that I get rosy cheeks whenever someone mentions your name. I hate that I can’t control my fingers shaking when I type a message into our chat. I hate the way I feel about you. I hate that I’m in love with you. And I hate that there is no sign that you love me too.
“Every time I look at you, I fall in love all over again”
Ok so you those end of the world people you see with boards on their chest and back saying shit.
Well I just had an idea to be one of those people but stand right next to one and yell about a different way the world is going to end and just like keep contradicting them on all of their theories until we fall in love
Writing prompt
“Bring me there” you point at the end of the galactic map, on a planet where your friend is getting held as a hostage. The yellow-pink man stares at you in disbelief. “You want me to bring you to the most dangerous planet in the galaxy?” You nod. “I’m a taxi driver, not a one-way ticket to hell.” he scoffs.
What about a collaboration? A chat story or little pov’s where the many main-characters of the different historical manhwas interact with each other?
Something like:
Cayena: Guys, how do I seduce a man?
Islet: Fight for him.
Roselia: Show him love.
Verta: Fuck him.
Yerenika: Hide in his garden or kidnap him.
Roselia: @Verta stfu.
Yerenika: You’re only jealous because you’re still a virgin.🙄
Verta: Fr.🙄
Edit:
I thought of it like this (the purple bubble is Y/N)
Please tell me, I’m not the only one finding it unreal to see an actor of your favourite show acting in another movie or show. I just find it weird to see them again after they die.
Imagine you live in Coruscant, just driving home from work with your speeder. All exhausted and hyped to go watch some holodramas as slander man’s illegitimate sister (Ventress) falls from whatever hole she came from right on top of your speeder and threatens you with her lightsaber to drive faster.
Daily life in Coruscant.
i don’t really know what i’m doing i don’t really have a plan i’m just doing what feels right at the moment and for the rest whatever happens happens as long as it feels right.