Tf2 Headcanons - Blog Posts

How would the mercs react if they got sick? Nothing serious, just, like, a cold or something.

Demoman:

Likely pretty honest about it. Medic spooks him at times, but he trusts the doctor to at least give him some semblance of a “good” idea on what to do if he gets sick.

Though before he does anything, he likely tries to work through it himself. His ma taught him how to care for himself, so he mostly just needs help setting it all up.

If he gets cold medicine, you have to have a guard on him at all times, because he can and will try to drink, even if he knows they absolutely do not mix.

Engineer:

Assures everyone he’s doing fine. Being the voice of reason and the team mom, he’s sure he’ll work it out on his own and mostly just self-isolate until it’s over.

It’s only until he’s hollering encouragement to Scout on the battlefield that he breaks into a coughing fit, and things go south.

Surprisingly, Scout is the one who ends up volunteering to take care of Engineer. The whiplash it gives the rest of the team is palpable. 

He tries his best to make the soup that Engie always brings the others, not very well, but he makes a genuine attempt.

Eventually he has to ask for help from spy, this dude sacrifices his own ego to help someone and Medic is about ready to check if scout himself is feverish-

Each member of the team eventually gets involved to chip in and help out, and Engie gets better quicker than any of the others. Scout denies that he did anything, but the sentiment stays.

Heavy:

Like Engineer, Heavy assumes he can get away with just shrugging it off and braving through it. He has bigger worries.

Unfortunately, with Medic’s constant doting, it catches on pretty quick that he’s sick, and he gets the angry talk about how he’s contagious and should have told the doctor.

Heavy disappears for a day to Medic’s office, nobody is entirely sure what happened, but he comes back smiling and feeling better, so they don’t question it.

(Medic may or may not have just replaced his lungs entirely)

Medic:

Ludwig here knows full well that he’s sick. He’s the “Do as I say, not as I do” kind of guy that advises the others to come to him when they’re feeling unwell, and then proceeds to cough on others.

Who’s to say he doesn’t do it on purpose? He uses it to his advantage. Someone ticks him off? Cough on them, deal with the consequences later. 

Colds make him sleepier than usual, he’ll be slumped over the main room table with a coffee and looking like death itself, then come back the next day looking spry as ever.

(He may or may not have also just replaced his lungs entirely)

Pyro:

Pyro is a drama queen when they’re sick, because it means they get to cuddle up with their toys and the other mercs and have attention. You’d think that Scout would be the one to do this, but nope, it’s Pyro.

Engie is in their room 24/7 making sure they have hot soup, plenty of things to do, puzzles to solve, the others are almost envious.

Pyro is sad when the extra attention ends, but Engineer assures them that they can visit his workshop whenever.

Scout:

Scout, on the other hand, will come to the respawn room, eyes streaming, nose stuffy, and say to your face “I’m fine, shut up.”

He doesn’t want the others to think he’s weak or think less of him because he managed to get sick, so he tries to hide it from the others until it ends up worse thanks to his attempts to push it away.

Sniper is tasked with bringing him soup and medicine, and Scout refuses to take any of it unless the door is closed and nobody can see him do it. The only reason Sniper gets to even do it is because he doesn’t talk all too much and keeps secrets to himself.

Stubborn.

Sniper:

Nobody really notices he’s sick since his eyes are covered in aviators and his hat shadows his face. Not to mention Snipes tends to blend in with the background, something that can be to his advantage.

Not now, because he’s too shy to really ask anyone for help.

Ends up having a coughing fit and completely missing his targets one day on the field. BLU spy, who was just getting ready to backstab him is just watching like “yo wtf”

He uh, doesn’t want to get sick either, so he just creeps away and alerts the medic before he backstabs them.

Soldier:

Nobody knows how he manages it, but any time he catches a cold, he’ll disappear for a day, and come back good as new.

In reality, he goes and screams at the sickness until it cowers in fear and runs away, then walks back.

Seriously, how does he do it?

Spy:

Not one to really ask for help, Spy mostly takes care of himself. Having been with Scout’s ma meant he has decent experience with caring for the sick, not to mention his constant ventures to other countries. 

Begrudgingly visits Medic to get some cold medicine, and ends up having to knock him out so that he wouldn’t get his lungs replaced.

Never again. He’ll just stick to laying in bed and drinking water.

HEAVY X MEDIC HEADCANONS

OKAY! GUESS WHO ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE ASK SOMEHOW? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID BUT IT THANOS SNAPPED ITSELF WHEN I PRESSED TAB SO.

Edit: Okay, so apparently it posted itself, that’s why. Here’s the ACTUAL post.

I’m glad I took a screenshot, I had a feeling this would happen.

@drjamjams​

Thank you so much for the kind words! I’m so stoked to be able to do this, and it means the world to me that people are enjoying my writing!

I do hope that this rewrite isn’t too messy. This is the ask that I lost yesterday, I did my best to recover what I could and add some extra!

Yall, please give me tips on how to wrangle this site. But without further adieu...

HEAVY X MEDIC

Medic had his eyes on Heavy from the beginning. Hell, who wouldn’t? An absolute bear of a man, stoic but kind hearted, caring for his sisters in Russia.

It was rare before he had met this man to have ever been respected for his work. Most of the time he would deflect comments with an alarming smile and a morbid joke (or by inserting extra organs inside of them next time he had the chance, though it could be argued that he does that to everybody), so when Heavy treated the doctor with respect from day one, he was smitten.

Smitten? Medic had no clue what his feelings meant. Perhaps it was a side effect of surgically adding those souls to his own body, but he couldn’t help being a bit less wound up around his comrade, even going so far as to tell stories of his own past in exchange for theirs.

Misha, on the other hand, never noticed this until the other mercenaries pointed out the clear favoritism. Even then, he assumed it was because they were good friends. Until they hit the battlefield, when they became gods.

Medic, quite like the Engineer, is practically nocturnal. He has no time to waste in his eyes, he has too many organs, experiments, surgeries to conduct. This man will manage to cram a surgery between two autopsies within the span of a few hours, but this means he will hardly eat or sleep until he’s satisfied with his latest abomination.

Why do I bring this up? It’s because Medic tends to crash outside of the med bay. A lot. 

Heavy is frequently the first to notice, and becomes something of a guard dog. He paces the halls, any and every noise swiftly shut down by a steely glare. 

Likewise, if Heavy is the one to crash, be it on a couch, the floor, or slumped over a table, the doctor will carry this man to bed. You’d be surprised what lugging around a heavy metal backpack and a medi-gun will do for your strength. Ludwig basically Disney-princess style wrangles his birds and helps lift him back to bed.

Once, Scout tried to pull a prank while Medic was passed out after one of his many week-long all-nighter streaks.

It’s safe to say Ludwig was not ecstatic to wake up to a medical emergency. This is something Scout will never overshare about.

If Heavy is being pocketed by Medic that day, expect to be stuck in respawn for the entire match. Not that it would matter, the team will still win! The two are an ubercharge machine.

Heavy is the only one who is allowed to pet Archimedes and the doves. Medic trusts that Misha won’t harm them or accidentally crush them.

It’s mesmerizing for the doctor to watch. It’s as if his large, calloused fingers become light as feathers, gently holding the little angels with such care, petting them in just the right places. The doves practically flock to Heavy whenever he enters the infirmary nowadays.

Likewise, Archimedes and Medic are the only ones allowed to touch Sasha. There’s nothing else to say here.

Heavy only ever shares his sandviches with Medic! Sometimes, Scout will badger him to convince Heavy to share with the others, too. Scout will also never overshare about the incident that followed. Starting to see a pattern here?

Matching pajamas. No, I will not elaborate.

Any chore list there is, Misha and Ludwig immediately pair up. If they change, they still insist on being together. During the change to the kitchen list (all mercs pair up save for spy, designated to a week in which they cook for the rest of the team), they immediately reach across the table towards each other, A gloved hand fit snug on top of that of the gentle giant.

“HEAVY IS WITH DOKTOR! NOT CHANGE THIS.” - Ten’s a crowd, chapter 8 I think. One that hasn’t been published at the time of writing this.

They’ll cuddle together on one of the couches if they know they have privacy from the rest of the mercs. Medic also uses Heavy’s lap as a pillow. Does this hurt his shoulders? Probably. Does he care? Nope. This man is stubborn and it shows.

Heavy is the little spoon. I rest my case.

Hey all,

Thank you so much for the sudden support! Your tags make me so f t,,

I was going to post a headcanon list tonight for my very first request, but uh.

I tried opening the post thing. in another tab, and it pressed back, because i’m dumb.

Uh, basically, that means I lost all of my work (it... it was a long post), so unfortunately I won’t be coming out with that until I can rewrite it. Apologies if it turns out worse because of this-- I hope I remember everything in the morning.

Just a heads up! I feel horrid having to make this post in the first place. Clean start and all. But I’ve never been one for smooth beginnings, clearly haha

Anyways, I’ll stop rambling. You guys give me the serotonin, looking forwards to posting that list sooner rather than later! I’m real sorry for the delay.

Starter headcanons!

We’re beginning with some Engie headcanons!

ENGINEER

Despite his profession, Engie is probably the sweetest team member.

Basically the team mom. Everyone loves when he and Pyro are on cooking duty for the week, because you’re guaranteed to have the best barbecued, baked, fried, or buttered foods in your life.

Dell knew from the beginning that Scout and Spy were related. He was shocked when few other members had noticed the fact, and kept it to himself.

Because of this, fatherly instinct kicked in and he treats Scout like he would a son. Scout may not respect his inventions, but Dell knows he won’t hesitate to come talk to him if he needs a shoulder to lean on.

Tell an incorrect fact anywhere in the base, and Engie will BOLT to correct you. This man has what can only be described as a spidey sense. He could be in his workshop with the door closed, you could whisper, on the other side of the base on another floor, and he would just... know.

The best way to get Engineer to sleep is to use this fact to your advantage. Utter a clearly untrue fact in his room, and watch him come running.

As amiable as Engie is, he’s still a mercenary, and a cold blooded killer at that. He’s painfully aware that he appears a friendly face to all, and is basically a child magnet when disguised as a civilian, since he’s required to ditch the glove and hat, but refuses to take off the goggles.

He’s not opposed to telling stories to the brave little ankle biters, or showing off his robotic arm (albeit shyly). But he tries to throw in a good lesson or two, or spook ‘em off after a while with his whole cyborg shtick.

In the end, Engineer just wants to make sure those kids are inspired to get an education, then take a path that ain’t his own.

Imagining the future; a public statement (or rather questioning) about why 39,000 students across the entirety of the United States, all majoring in some form of engineering, cited their inspiration as varying descriptions of a cyborg man who wanted them to share their knowledge to make the world a better place. Occasionally, Dell is approached at bars or random locations by adults and children alike, sheepishly asking if they’re the cyborg man they met when they were little, or that their big brothers and sisters told stories of. All he gives is a knowing smile and a handshake.

Engineer can’t sit still for very long. He’s always tinkering with something or fidgeting with anything that could be used for scrap or built into something else.

An insomniac, Dell has trouble falling asleep at night thanks to his constant urge to work. He won’t rest until he’s finished with his latest idea, or until he passes out from exhaustion.

The other mercs usually have to carry him to his room after a few nights in a row of this behavior, especially if he had an off day on the field because of it. Even then, there’s no guarantee you won’t find him sitting up in his bed, scribbling down his dream inventions before they fade from memory, muttering equations under his breath.

Sews stuffed animals for pyro and any other merc who wants one. Each mercenary has at least one, even spy and scout, since they were given as gifts a long time ago. Scout would never admit it, but he keeps it under his bed and cuddles it when he has a particularly bad nightmare. Spy has it on display on his shelf, perfectly polished. If he gets drunk and emotional, you’ll probably find a sobbing Frenchman wrapped around a big soft plushie on the floor.

The stuffed animals:

Scout: a little white rabbit with black buttons for eyes, and a tiny fitted headset with a mini hat perched on top. It’s velcro.

Spy: a black cat plushie with blue buttoned eyes and checkered overalls. It has a blue bow tie.

Sniper: A green felt and fabric chameleon. Has a lime -> blue -> red satin texture gradient on its tail and large black beads for eyes.

Soldier: Just. An eagle. Photorealistic eagle texture filled with stuffing. He knows.

Engie: Teddy! Cuddles teddy bear. Big bear. Very soft, very good.

Medic: a recreation of Archimedes with large cotton wings. Has a patch of red on its chest and the buttons used for its eyes are a very subtle cherry color, almost unnoticeable unless you see it in good lighting. When not being held at night, you can occasionally catch a glimpse of the birds cuddled up to it in the day, save for Archimedes himself, who keeps trying to fight it.

Heavy: Were you expecting a bear? Nope! It’s a salmon. Being filled with stuffing of course, but has a soft wooden spine linked together by string. Clatters together softly like chimes sometimes when shaken, but if you do you’re getting socked in the face by heavy. The little wooden framework allows it mobility, so that heavy can comfortably hold it during his nightmares without waking up with stiff shoulders.

Demo: a penguin with an eyepatch. About the height of his forearm with a mix of a sort of softer denim texture for the body and polyester for the spots and patterns. Has a red chiffon bow tie attached to it, and the one eye it has is a big white bead to match the accents. Definitely has a tiny scrumpy bottle. Also definitely not haunted. Certainly, without a doubt.

Pyro: The very first was a balloonicorn! A few others were based off of pyros crayon sketches of pyroland, but there’s just too many to describe! Engie can’t get enough of making the little firebug clap their hands in excitement and endearment after a bad day or stormy weather, having gifted them another soft toy for their collection.

But to pyro, Engie is the best stuffed animal of them all. Passing on the battlefield? Hug. Working in the garage? Hug. Underneath a vehicle performing maintenance? Damn right they’re getting under there somehow! Because Engie is the only one who seems to understand what they see, what they say, how they act.

Hey look buddy,

He’s an engineer.

He solves problems.

Headcanon request rules!

NO

NSFW

Kinks

OCs (unless u guys maybe want a bit of edith? But otherwise i don’t know enough about ya’lls characters to write much, and I don’t want to alienate anyone else looking for content)

Abusive characters

Suicide/suicidal thoughts ( this also includes implied, such as giving a character a gun to do the deed. )

Self harm

Yandere

Maskless pyro

Major character death

Please keep this in mind, i’m sorry ;;

CAN DO

Any gender of reader (nb inclusive) : If no gender is specified, it will be automatically gender neutral.

All mercs at once, but the more mercs you add to the list, the less likely I am to write headcanons as it is a lot of work.

Groups of classes such as support, defense, etc.

S/O headcanons (Love these!!)

General headcanons (What would happen if x thing happened to x mercs?)

SFW rarepairs / ship headcanons! (ex. Engiespy hcs)

Basically anything is fair game, just don’t make it weird or sexual ykno? Or NO if it’s on the no list, duh. Yeah. I’m a bit squeamish at times.

VERY VERY VERY light suggestive content, keep it pg-13 folks! Ex. joking but not outright doing something related to NSFW.

EXTRA NOTES:

I can (and will) turn off anon if ya’ll don’t behave. be civil!

Requests are generally always open, but keep in mind I MAY NOT FILL YOURS. Because they’re just that. requests. I’ll do my best to keep up with them though!

It really just depends on how I’m feeling at the time, or how much work I have to do. please don’t be mad if I ignore your request! It’s not personal @ all. ;;