Suicidal - Blog Posts

I need someone to care like this. I need someone to mourn me.

Here's part 2.

"Karma?" Nagisa asked silently. Karma's eyes were slightly glistening from held in tears. His smile was gone, and he stared at his feet.

"Karma, may I speak to you?" Koro-sensei asked. Karma looked up at him and nodded, they went to the storage room.

The two girls came back and got an update about what happened Seo and Araki.

Some whimpers and sobbing could be heard from several faint-hearted students.

<With Karma and Koro-sensei>

"Karma, I need you to talk to me. It's upsetting me to see my students suffering," Koro-sensei tried to coax the story out of Karma.

"What else do you want me to say? You already saw that video, besides, you guys would've found out sooner or later hehe," Karma said laughing a little.

"Karma..." Koro-sensei grimaced.

"It's fine, I've been like this for a long time. And the cliff thing? That wasn't the first time I tried, But it's the first time I followed through with it. You said you'd catch me no matter how many times I tried. I haven't attempted since that day, this class is...interesting. It doesn't make me feel as empty, it's nice. I'm rambling again, aren't I? Sorry," Karma scratched the back of his neck harder than before.

(A nervous tick...) Koro-sensei realized and moved Karma's hand away from his neck.

"Karma...Once you're ready to accept help, even just a hug or ranting, you can always come to your classmates and teachers. If not us, then someone else you trust. Is that ok with you? There's no need to feel like you can't trust us,"

"Y-yeah, thanks, sensei..." Karma hesitantly tried to hug Koro-sensei, who recognized this and hugged his student tight. (I'm glad I coaxed something out of him, the road of recovery has to start somewhere.)

If the redhead left some tearstains and had red-rimmed eyes, neither mentioned it as they went back.

<With the students and teachers>

They were all an emotional wreck. The Terasquad spoke to Hazama, Machida was with the baseball club and other close friends. Nagisa was slightly trembling from barely held tears. Kayano, Okuda, and Rio tried to comfort him and each other. Sugino was patting Kanzaki's back as she quietly sobbed with Kurahashi.

Asano was...strange. He cared a lot for Karma, even if he'll deny it as him wanting a proper rival again, but he is worried. He empathizes to some extent with Karma. I mean, he isn't heartless after all. Ren, Seo, Araki, and Koyama looked at him worriedly. Asano spoke quietly, enough for just the 5 of them.

"I think there should be a mental health care unit in Kunugigaoka. But for that to happen, The principal's philosophy needs to go down first. I'm...not sure what to do about this,"

Koyama cleared his throat, "Maybe we should instill a unit, in secret. We can hold more student council meetings, and we can have health care periods within each class. The principal will think it's study halls but...it's not,"

"That is a possibility, we'll have to discuss more in the future, and possibly with Principal Asano himself," Ren inquired.

Araki and Seo nodded. Everyone turned to see Karma and Koro-sensei walking back, and it was easy to see Karma's tearstained cheeks. He looked so tired. No one said anything about how he clung to Koro-sensei's side and kept his gaze on the ground. Yada stood up and walked up to him.

She hugged him tightly, and he allowed it. Slowly, all of the E-class got up and joined the group hug, even Irina and Tadaomi. Koro-sensei's big tentacle hugs were appreciated for once. Ritsu felt guilty for showing the video since Karma clearly wasn't ready. But she's glad he's accepting help.

After everyone settled back into their spots, Karma's eyes started to droop. His head fell on top of Nagisa's as he fell asleep.

"Take a break, you guys can take a nap, use the restroom or something for a while. I'll start the videos in 45 minutes," Ritsu informed.

Everyone decided to have some leisure time to help lighten the mood. Nagisa and Rio laid Karma down and snuggled into his sides. Almost everyone in E-class decided to snuggle and nap. Koro-sensei took the blankets and spread them on to his students. Many others were also emotionally drained or had to pee.

Things would get better eventually. They had to, whether they wanted it or not.

The End!

I'm really sorry if y'all didn't like this, I'm not a good writer. Compared to School watches Assassination Classroom, this is nothing, but I tried my best. I'm happy with how this turned out.

If y'all need help with depression or suicidal tendencies, talk to someone you trust!

Okie I'm done.

This is part 1. Part 2 is the aftermath.

So I've had this idea based on another fanfic (It's School watches Assassination Classroom by TheSteinsGateFormula Please check it out, its amazing)

We know the song 'Sans Needs Help' from YouTube. So why not let it be Karma from Assassination Classroom?

Also, I changed the lyrics a little to suit better for the storyline.

Enjoy!!

Ritsu cleared her throat and gained everyone's attention. "Alright, let's take a break for now! This next video is a mini-episode, more of a music video, ahaha," Ritsu rubbed her arm as she said awkwardly.

"Is something wrong with the video?" Some C-class student said. "N-no...It's more of a sensitive topic...and personal. Karma, could I speak to you in private?"

E-class looked at the redhead who shrugged and went with Ritsu.

<With the students and teachers>

There were whispers and theories all around.

"What do you think they're talking about?" Kayano asked Nagisa. "I don't know. Karma and I have been friends since our first year but, I still don't know much about him. He has this way of easily avoiding things without the other person realizing it," (I hope he's ok...)

<With Karma and Ritsu>

"So...Is it ok if I show them?" Ritsu asked timidly. Karma's eyes went bleary. "Sure, You said my future self told you to show it. That things get better once the others find out. I'm holding you onto that, they're gonna find out eventually, so might as well tell them,"

Ritsu nodded as Karma went back to his seat. Ritsu sighed as she walked back. (You say that but it's clear you aren't ready)

"If any of you have any triggers or need to be away, please leave when you start feeling anxious," Ritsu said. She looked pointedly at Karma, who kept his eyes on the screen. He shook off the stares he felt and kept a smile on his face.

Ritsu pressed play.

The music starts and, the screen showed 'Karma Needs Help.' which obviously raised questions, but they kept watching. Then the cliff scene appeared before moving to Karma on his bed as the lyrics start. The bedroom was mostly clean, except for the bedsheets which half-covered Karma.

I wake up in the mornings

Sinking halfway to the bottom

There's a loud distorted screaming in my soul

There was a close up to Karma's face. He looked panicky but smiled, his smile was strange. Nagisa looked at Karma worriedly, as did most of E class. Karma stared blankly at the screen. He still had that fixed, robotic smile.

Everything is dark and empty

And I don't know how to fix it

So I curl up in a ball

And cry in the comfort of my home

S. Karma (Screen Karma) rolled on his side and curled up in a fetal position. His eyes opened and were glistening from unfallen tears. They fell once his eyes closed.

"Karma, dude, are you ok?" Sugino was worried. Karma turned to him and nodded. He still had that strange look on his face.

Koro-sensei was tense. (Please tell me he's ok. I won't let my students suffer)

Kensaku was also tense, but I don't care about this asshole, so he will be mentioned later on.

I don't know why

I feel like shit

I say I'm fine, but I'm not fine

S. Karma was seen getting up from the bed and, answering Nagisa's texts.

Nagisa: Hey, Karma! Are you ok? The class is gonna start in 30 minutes, and you know Koro-sensei doesn't like tardies.

Karma: I'm fine. Just woke up. Will be there soon.

Nagisa: Ok :)

Nagisa's shoulders hunched as he kept his gaze on the screen.

I'm dying inside

And all I see are demons

I try to hide

All my deepest feelings

S. Karma was walking up the mountain with S. Nagisa. S. Nagisa said something while S. Karma laughed.

Nagisa felt a small grin graced his face at the memory. But, he also frowned soon after at the implication that Karma hides how he feels.

Asano was upset. If anyone asked if he was worried, he would deny it. But he is. (I can't have a proper rivalry if my rival is in pain)

Author: I'm a multishipper for Karmagisa and Karushuu, y'all can see it as romantic or platonic for either.

I'm dying inside

And all I see are demons

I try to hide all my deepest feelings

In a small gap, S. Karma said, "Let's try assassinating Koro-sensei today!" with a smile as the classroom was shown and the next lyrics began.

Hazama frowned, and her brows furrowed. The Terasquad looked at her with worry before averting their attention back to the screen.

I think there's something wrong with me

'Cause all I see is death

During the death line, the students in the classroom were shown hanging from nooses for a split second. Then it changed to S. Nagisa looking worriedly at S. Karma, who flinched but quickly hid it.

"Hold on, PAUSE!" Shindo yelled.

Ritsu sighed in mild annoyance, "I know, you don't have to shout at me," Shindo quickly apologized before he turned to Karma. "What was that?!" He was met with silence.

"A-are you ok-k...?" Okuda asked. She was also met with silence. After a pause, Karma responded, "I'm fine," He sounded disconnected from his body. Asano spoke up, "It's clear you aren't,"

"Aww, is Asano-chan worried about me?" Karma said cheekily.

Asano growled. The A-class sensei thought he needed to stop a fight, but what Asano said caught him off guard.

"As a matter of fact, I AM WORRIED! You hide your emotions even more than I do! You use gallows humor as a shield, but to what extent? The video said 'Karma Needs Help' and it's obvious you need to talk to someone about all this!" That surprised Karma. It surprised everyone that Asano yelled.

Ren tried to clam him down, and he did calm down.

"I agree with Asano, this isn't healthy," Nagisa threw his 2 cents in.

"...oh," was all Karma could say. "Not...yet, but I'll think about it," Asano nodded at Karma's awkward agreement. Koro-sensei felt somewhat relieved that Karma is willing to seek help, along with Tadaomi and Irina.

Every time I go outside

I look like I've been doing Japanese

We see a close up of S. Karma's face, mainly his eyes. There were slight eyebags under them as the screen switched to him sleeping in class.

"Japanese?" Seo asked. "It's my worst subject," Karma said quietly. But with the silence among the crowd, it was heard clearly.

And I sleep for nineteen hours on a Thursday morning class.

S. Koro-sensei was shown waking up and slightly scolding S. Karma, who waved a hand at him while using the other to scratch his neck before looking at his book to write down notes. He still had that smile.

Koro-sensei felt guilt claw at him. (Poor kid was probably tired, but I must've thought he was lazy. I'll have to keep a closer eye from now on)

The scene changed to S. Karma locked in a bathroom stall. His hands had blood on then as his nose bled.

And every now and then I get nosebleeds

And I don't know what to do

We see S. Karma half-hazardly wipe his nose with a tissue.

"What the fucking hell!?" Teraseka exclaimed.

Karma shrugged. "It happens sometimes, not a big deal,"

Machida said, "Most people get nosebleeds out of stress...it happened to me too, before exams,"

Some girl (I think her name was Tsukiya or something) stood up and went to the restroom with her friend.

Karasuma was shaken but kept his composure. (How is this kid on top of the class in both PE and studies? He's barely holding on to dear life!)

Irina laid a hand on his shoulder. Karasuma turned to look at her as she mouthed something to him. 'We gotta do something to help.'

Karasuma couldn't agree more.

The scene once again changed to S. Karma leaning against a tree. It was a tree by the cliff, but not the tree that is sideways on the cliff. He's a good 10 meters away from it.

I don't know why

I feel like shit

I will not see a therapist

"Please see a therapist!" Class-E yelled at Karma, his eyes are even more bleary.

Kensaku grimaced. (What's with that kid? He's a sadistic freak, isn't he? A goddamn psychopath! So he's a little suicidal, but it can't be that bad, right?!)

S. Karma suddenly looked happier.

Author: Fake, obviously.

Ladies and gentlemen,

If you wanna fucking kill yourself

Put your fucking hands up (yeah!),

Razor blades in the air, everybody! (yeah!)

(WTF!?) went through everyone's head as Karma chuckled at the screen. Nagisa is terrified as he realized why Karma was so calm when he fell off the cliff. Koro-sensei didn't have it in him to say anything about the swear words.

A few students like Hazama, Machida, and others slowly rose their hands up. This made Etsuki-sensei whimper a little. Karasuma lost a little composure and let his eyes widen.

(*Coughing*)

Ay, oh, ay, oh, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, help, help, help, help, help, help, HELP!

There were memories that E-class made where S. Karma was happy on the outside but hurting on the inside. And as it went to the help part, it showed S. Karma getting swallowed by the darkness.

(Poor kid, I'm definitely softening up.) Irina thought as she felt a wave of empathy. She was mildly suicidal before she met Lovro. (I'm...terrible with kids, but...I think the little twerp would like some of my coping mechanisms. I stopped many years ago, but the sure helped me out when I was around his age.)

I'm dying inside

And all I see are demons

I try to hide all my deepest feelings

We see S. Karma get up from the tree and make his way home. The disconnected smile disappears, and he frowns.

I'm dying inside

And all I see are demons

I try to hide all my deepest feelings

S. Karma sat against the bottom of his bed, on the floor. He finally broke down and sobbed into his knees before the screen turned black.

And that's that. Next comes part 2.

The hole in my chest

Can only be filled with my

Sharp, unbothered knife

**** I'm such a waste of human. I don't get it. I've been fighting this low, brought to you by my worthlessness, loneliness and depression for the past three weeks. This is much longer than most of my lows. When it gets back I get really itchy, when it gets to the bottom I start to feel like there's spiders on me, that's been happening every day.

This shouldn't be so hard. I'm distracted, I have serious head fog. I took a professional development course the other day and a section was about loneliness and suicide. That was funny. The entire time I'm thinking I'm not there I'm not there I'm not there... Yet.

Past couple days it's really been sinking in how I can't get ahead. How undesirable I am as a human being. How, I don't know. I'm actually a great guy. I'm funny and warm, I make space and time to those around me. In a case manager for a nonprofit, it's literally my job to take care of people. I'm reasonably good looking. I'm smart and have always been known for being thoughtful and having a good perspective.

None of that matters. I wish I was born an idiot. Heard the joke about how life and soccer are the same? I didn't want to but my mom made me.

I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I have no future and my death would be mourned by three people. I have a large net of a social group. Three people. And I'm being generous on the third.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do any more. I'm such a loser.

Does anyone have any good sad songs I'm going thru some stuff.

Just let me let go. I’m tired of trying.

Wishing Upon An Imaginary Shooting Star #2 // Å.G.P

You should have never even said hello.

– I’m sorry // Å.G.P

You think that everyone is important, but for some reason you don’t think that applies to you.

It does. I promise. // Å.G.P.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We weren’t supposed to cry at night and hide ourselves from the world. I hate it. I just want my life back.

Wishing Upon An Imaginary Shooting Star #1 // Å.G.P.

JUST LET GO OF THE MEMORIES

a message to my broken mind // Å.G.P.

Silence is the most dangerous way to see inside a person.But also the most effective.

You Just Have To Watch // Å.G.P.

She’s a bitch. Her tips and tricks take over your head and suddenly lunch is water and dinner is ice and all you’re eating is gum and peppermint candies. But it’s not your fault, It’s hers.

Forgive Yourself // ÅGP

The only difference between EAT and FAT is one line.

— Such a fine line // Å.G.P

Maybe to you it’s ‘just a band’ but to us it’s air. We inhale music as easily as you exhale hate. You look around and see how many people you can ruin, but we look around and see how many of them just need help

It’s Not Just A Band, It’s Our Survival // Å.G.P.

Shh, Don’t make a sound, my love. They’ll never understand what you’ve done. No matter how far you haven’t come, they’ll still think that happiness won. If they hear about your pain, chances are things still won’t change. Maybe one day they will see, But by then you’ll just be a memory.

Å.G.P.

[It is what it is; Part Two] - [SKZ Bang Chan X M!Reader]

Part One

‼️Trigger Warning(s) : Bullied, Abuse, Rape, Depression, Suicidal‼️

“Are you still hanged up over it?” Seo ChangBin questions the red headed as he tried to secretly glance over his roommate who sat at the corner of the classroom. “If you’re gonna appear every single time we end a period, you’re labelling yourself as a creep. It’s been a week.”

It has been a week.

A week since that night where Bang Chan couldn’t forget the tiny little tint of hurt flashing across M/N’s eyes. He didn’t go after M/N when he left the restaurant but, as he sat back down, a sense of guilt ambushed him, stabbing his heart that the pain was almost physical. Why? Why did he feel that way? This shouldn’t be hurting him, this should only hurt M/N so why was he hurt? M/N didn’t come back that night and Bang Chan barely caught any sleep either. It was early in the morning the next day when Bang Chan heard the door of the dorm open and M/N came stumbling into the room, tipsy, stench in cigarettes and alcohol. Bang Chan got up to sit on his bed, his eyes observing every move of the latter who seems to ignore him indefinitely.

“M/N……I…. I can explain.” Bang Chan stammered.

M/N turned to him, his eyes glassy and unfocused, “It is what it is. You don’t need to waste your breath explaining and I don’t need to waste my time listening.”

That was all M/N said before dropping onto his bed, burying himself under his blanket. Bang Chan swore something in him cracked. Ever since then, neither of them shared any word or look even, at least not M/N. Bang Chan still stole glances over his roommate whilst M/N simply pretended as if Bang Chan was nothing but, a thin of air.

“Has M/N been different lately in class?”

ChangBin thought for a moment before shaking his head, “not really. He is still a quiet and reserved kid like he always was since forever.”

“T…That’s good i guess.”

ChangBin rolled his eyes, “seriously? Why are you so concerned about M/N?”

“I…I… I’m not concern about him, i….i just wanna see him suffer?” It came out as a question but for sure, ChangBin didn’t believe the latter.

ChangBin sighed and patted Bang Chan’s right shoulder, “I won’t judge if you end up caring about how he had felt you know. Besides, you did have to go through a lot just for a bet.”

At his words, Bang Chan winced. He did had to go through a lot to get to know M/N. He had to learn and study M/N deeply, taking notes of his liking and dislikes, his little pet peeves, etc. When M/N confessed to Bang Chan, there was no doubt that Bang Chan felt something, Bang Chan could feel the sincerity of M/N’s heart. Bang Chan had to do something to reconcile with M/N, or at least, get M/N to just look at him even for a minute and so the gifts came in. Bang Chan had left gifts with notes on M/N’s study table.

‘M/N, I bought you the cake you liked from the bakery nearby.’

‘M/N, I bought the puff you craved for before.’

‘M/N, i got this flowers cause it reminded me of you.’

‘M/N, look at this grumpy cat plush. It looks just like you.’

‘M/N, this was cute so i got it for you.’

‘M/N, the novel was going for sale at the bookstore so i thought of you.’

Bang Chan felt the ache in his heart looking at the untouched gifts on M/N’s table. It didn’t seem like M/N even care to look at them. This had been even worse than when Bang Chan had know him for the first time. The walls that Bang Chan had torn down previously was rebuilt with even more concrete security and to be frank, Bang Chan was losing hope.

Bang Chan dramatically plops onto the lunch table across ChangBin and whined, “he doesn’t even touch it, i doubt he even looked at it. I had to throw all the cake(s) and pastries that turned bad. Binnie, give me ideas please. I have to do something. I need to apologise to him.”

“You’re finally admitting that you don’t want to see him suffer?” ChangBin smirked. Bang Chan sighed in defeat and nodded to his words. “I mean, if the gifts aren’t working, perhaps do something more brazen? Like, just grab him and make him look at you and talk it out.”

“It could work, maybe?”

“Oh, by the way, have you heard about it?”

“About what?”

“It could be a rumour but proof has been circulating that M/N use to be a porn star. He was involved in a child pornography.” ChangBin said and Bang Chan gasped, “it’s sickening knowing that people are actually into it.”

“Please, tell me you’re joking.”

“I told you it could be a rumour. I haven’t seen it for myself.”

Bang Chan abruptly stood from his chair, taking his belongings before he rushes out of the cafeteria. Reality smacked him hard on the face. Just when he thought he knew M/N that well, there was still some untold secrets kept by him. Could this be the reason why M/N declared Bang Chan was his will to live? Could this be why M/N confessed that Bang Chan had saved him from himself? Could M/N have gone through severe depression because if the rumour had been true, it could tear down one’s soul? Now, Bang Chan felt even worse than before. The red headed find himself sprinting to his dorm room, barging into it. There, M/N sat on his bed with his phone in his hand.

“You,” Bang Chan took a deep breath, trying to calm the adrenaline from sprinting.

He locked the door to their dorm room, stomping towards M/N and he stood right in front of the latter who couldn’t care less to even look at him once.

“You…” Bang Chan breathed, “did you know that there are rumours going on that you were involve in a child pornography?” Bang Chan could see how M/N’s frail begin to tremble. “Is it true?” This time, M/N’s head dropped as if he was a child ashamed of being scolded. “M/N? Is it true that you were involved in a child pornography?”

“And so what?” Bang Chan breath hitched as soon as M/N spoke. It had been awhile since he last heard the latter talk and his voice still never failed to give shivers down his spine.

Bang Chan honestly didn’t expect himself to feel anger arise in him at M/N’s response, “so what?! You should’ve told me! You should’ve explain to me the reason why you’ve been telling me that i saved your life! I could’ve understood you better and—,”

“AND WHAT?!” It happened in a blink of an eye. M/N stood up, pushing Bang Chan hard that he had fell onto his bed, “SO YOU CAN TELL CHANGBIN AND YOUR GROUPS OF FRIENDS THAT I AM THE CHILD IN THAT PORNOGRAPHY? SO YOU CAN CONFIRM THE RUMOURS THAT HAVE BEEN CIRCULATING AROUND?! SO YOU CAN JOIN THE SENIORS WHO ARE INTENDING TO RAPE ME?” Raged was seen across M/N as he towers over Bang Chan, spit flying from his lips. In that moment of anger he'd said everything, whatever was most hurtful, whatever would give him the opportunity to relieve himself, “IF I HAD TOLD YOU EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED IN THE PAST, WHAT COULD YOU HAVE DONE? COULD YOU SAVE ME FROM BEING ADOPTED BY CRIMINALS? COULD YOU SAVE ME FROM BEING SOLD TO PEOPLE, TO HUMANS FOR THEIR PLEASURE? WOULD YOU UNDERSTAND THE TRAUMA AND SUFFOCATION I FELT? WOULD YOU UNDERSTAND ME IF I SAID THAT I HAD TO KILL PEOPLE BECAUSE ALL OF THEM RAPED ME AT ONCE? COULD YOU BE HYUNJIN HYUNG TO ME? COULD YOU BRING BACK HYUNJIN HYUNG TO ME? COULD YOU STOP ME FROM TRYING TO KILL MYSELF EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. NIGHT?”

Bang Chan felt his heart throbbed immensely at M/N’s words. The pain and despair he had made M/N felt was nothing compared to what M/N had been through.

“I LOVED YOU! I LOVED YOU CHRISTOPHER BANG! YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A FUCKING ANGEL IN DISGUISE. FINALLY, I COULD BREATHE! I FOUND A WILL TO LIVE! I WAS ECSTATIC GENUINELY HAPPY TO BE WITH YOU. I WAS HOPING THAT ONE DAY WHEN WE GRADUATE, GET A JOB, GET A HOUSE TOGETHER, I WOULD MARRY YOU. I WOULD MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE IN THIS WORLD! BUT NO! EVERYTHING WAS A FUCKING BET! EVERYTHING CAME CRUSHING DOWN ONCE AGAIN AND I WANTED TO DIE IF IT WASN’T FOR HYUNJIN HYUNG’S LAST WISH! I WANTED TO JUST JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE THE NIGHT I—,”

M/N stopped himself abruptly, his breath ragged from his outburst, tears streaming down his cheeks. He took a second to breathe, rethinking about that words he had retorted. M/N felt guilty. He shouldn’t have burst out to Bang Chan out of anger. He should’ve just ignored him like he had been for the past few weeks. He shouldn’t have made the impression that Bang Chan had made M/N think about suicide. No one was at fault but, him. M/N was at fault to even exist in the first place.

“M/N,” Bang Chan’s chest heaved with each sob, breath catching in irregular gasps. Tears streamed down his cheeks, unchecked and hot against his skin. His throat tightened, a lump forming that made it difficult to speak. In that moment, M/N felt his heart shatter into pieces. In all his years of living, someone was crying for him. No one should need to cry for him, especially Bang Chan. He didn’t know what he should do and so, M/N left the dorm room, leaving the sobbing one.

“Here, I got you water.” ChangBin sat on the Bang Chan’s bed as the latter hide himself under the covers. Bang Chan finally crawled out and took the water.

“Why are you here?” His voice was hoarse as if he had been crying for days but, in actually fact, it had only been a couple of hours since M/N left him.

“M/N came running to find me. He said that I should come here and take care of you.”

“He did?”

ChangBin nodded, handing over a warm towel to Bang Chan, “i assume you guys had a fight? None of your faces look any better. You look like a puffer fish and so did M/N just now. I’m surprise you guys can see the world with those swollen eyes.”

“I fucked up ChangBin. I fucked up so bad that i just wanna go back to the time i met M/N for the first time.” Bang Chan sniffled.

“That bad huh?”

“I love M/N, i really do. Even if it wasn’t a bet, I would’ve still fallen for M/N.”

“Finally.” ChangBin smiled, “took you so long to admit it. I apologise to M/N earlier on and explain to him the real reason behind the bet. If isn’t for our seniors who threaten us to make our college life miserable on the bet, we wouldn’t have done it. Surprisingly, M/N asked for the seniors names and when i told him, he was silent.”

“What do you mean?”

“He said those seniors had been after him for a while now. He mentioned something about them knowing the truth from their government parents. I didn’t understand him though, do you?”

“Wait, did you said government parents?”

“Yes.” ChangBin affirmed, “Tae-il sunbaenim’s parents are apart of the government ministers.”

“If they are government minister, it means they technically can know each and every person’s background don’t they?”

“Technically yes,”

“Oh no.”

“Woah, where are you going?” ChangBin was taken aback when Bang Chan practically fly out of his bed, grabbing his phone and putting on his shoes. “Can you at least explain something to me?”

“I need to find M/N. I need to talk to him. I need to apologise. I need,” Bang Chan took a deep breath, “I need M/N.”

“Oh, good luck.”

Bang Chan wasn’t gonna waste anytime because if his institution was right, he needs to find M/N fast. Upon knowing another truth, Bang Chan assume that Tae-il and his gang of friends knew about M/N’s past thus they might have been the ones with the intention to rape M/N all this while. This time, Bang Chan was determine to be save M/N. He needs to. He spammed M/N’s phone with calls and messages but to no avail, there was no response. He searched through the campus asking around if anyone had seen M/N but everyone looked at him in disgust instead. That was until Bang Chan came across a group of seniors in the hallway, he didn’t approach them but, he overheard their conversation that put him sick to the stomach.

“Damn was M/N good.”

“I would do him again.”

“Tae-il is making a fortune.”

“Fucking him was definitely better than a woman.”

“Though the location could be better. The gym storeroom smelled horrible.”

BINGO.

Bang Chan sprinted as fast as a wind to the gym storeroom. He was met with groups of people hanging outside the storeroom. Bang Chan ignored the calls from the people that had deemed to be his ‘friends’ as he stomped into the storeroom. His blood turns cold the moment he was met with what was happening. M/N was tied up in ropes and Bang Chan could see the friction burns underneath it. He was naked, blindfolded, body covered in bruises and blood. As if M/N was a doll, three people were doing the deed, raping him simultaneously on the front and back. Tae-il sat by them, on the chair, cigarettes in his hand smirking proudly as if he had done the best thing in the world.

“FUCK OFF!”

Rage was all he saw. He couldn’t think ahead as he lounge towards them. RED. That was all Bang Chan could see. He didn’t know how or what had happened but he felt someone pulling him away from Tae-il and he came into realisation. Tae-il lay on the floor a couple of feet away from M/N, beaten almost to death. He could hear ChangBin telling him that everything was okay now. No, it wasn’t. M/N was still blindfolded, unaware of what was happening, trembling and curling up on the ground. Bang Chan realised he couldn’t save M/N. He failed to save him.

“M/N?” Bang Chan’s hand trembled as he reached out to M/N. He released the ropes, covering M/N’s fragile frail with the blanket Lee Know had handed over. “M/N, its me. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Bang Chan removed the blindfold and M/N’s e/c orbs looked at him but, his heart shattered. M/N wasn’t crying neither did he show the intention to cry. His eyes wasn’t even watery to begin with. All M/N did was stare into Bang Chan’s teary eyes, lifelessly and Bang Chan broke down as he embraced M/N tightly.

What had he done?

••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Author’s Note: Apologies for the late update but, here it is! I might just add one last part to this! A happy ending? Or shall I wreck my own heart with a sad ending?

it went to voicemail

“I want you to understand that I’ll never be sorry for doing this,” he choked out. He couldn’t cry now, not now, when he was already so close. “Remember when I said that there’s probably only one thing in my life that I’ll never be upset about messing up?” His eyes were shifting now, across the moonlit skyline that showcased about five percent of the stars in the sky and the skyscrapers edging higher and higher in a desperate attempt to reach them. His phone, clutched tightly in his white-knuckled grasp, was shaking from where he held it.

“This is the one thing.”

He closed his eyes, staring at the backs of his eyelids flashing a billion fireworks.

“I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. It will never be.” There were tears falling now, falling to the near-empty pavement below and not even leaving a dot on the concrete to remember. He was a fool to think he could keep them in. His free hand clings to the railings and he leans back. His feet are almost dangling off the edge.

“I always loved you, you know? I was so stupid,” and now he was laughing and soaking in his own saltwater tears, as if he came straight from the ocean. “I was so stupid.”

The neon billboards were just as bright as the backs of his eyelids, and now he couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or closed. “I know you will probably delete this voicemail. I know how you hated to listen to them. I know, I know, I know,” and he was near hysterical now.

It had been three weeks of drinking straight vodka and not even recoiling, two weeks of experimenting with drugs he’d never heard of just in case he could finally learn what it was like to forget, one week of crumpled up paper balls because he couldn’t write his own suicide note correctly, how pathetic is that?

Every minute since the Words has been the worst minute of his life. They weren’t gone yet, not even close, and he didn’t know what to do to get rid of them, so he did the next best thing.

“I’m in love with somebody else,” had never been words he would expect from his lover’s mouth, never ever ever. Not a single nightmare had brought up this terror, not a single time had he woken up in a cold sweat thinking of the possibility.

And maybe that’s why he was so affected.

“I still love you, and I hate that. I don’t know how to hate you. I don’t think I have the ability to.” He was talking so fast, so brokenly and so close to a sobbing mess that he could taste the salt lingering on his tongue.

“I… The thing is, I don’t know how to be without you. I never have. And that’s not your fault.”

He can’t blame him for anything, no matter how much he wanted to be able to shout what he’d done wrong and shriek to the high heavens that he had been wronged, no matter how much he wanted to scream at anyone who walked by that he wasn’t okay, no matter how damp his pillow was and how parched his mouth always was nowadays.

“This is the best for me. This is the best for you. This is the best for us, for everyone!” He was smiling too now, and he had to remind himself to hang on for a little longer because his grip was getting loose.

“So, sayonara. I don’t know if we’ll meet again in another life. I don’t know if either of us will want to.” Only a little while longer. “Just… Know that I love you. It’s not your fault-“

And the voicemail crackles and muffles the last words. His last words.

No one knows what he said. What his final goodbye truly was. Nobody could hear him, from twenty-five floors above the ground and wind howling like a banshee. And so nobody will know what his last tears sounded like when the hit the ground, whether or not the left a mark, or whether or not he was still smiling or laughing through the tears, or what he even had to say.

“I still love you. I’m sorry.”

His last words echo across the starless skyline, around the neon signs, through the desperate skyscrapers, away from the roaring sirens and boisterous lights, and never reach anyone’s ears except his own.

He was still smiling.

I finally told my therapist that im suicidal!!!!!

Most apt picture I've seen so far.

You all know this. 

schizo-wonderland

in schizophrinic symptoms people may experience….

Behavioral: social isolation, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, compulsive behavior, excitability, hostility, repetitive movements, self-harm, or lack of restraint

/he dropped the axe. Picking up the empty tea cup to bring it to his chapped lips. drinking out of a tick, not actual want. bloodied gloves smeared the crimsion fluied over the chipping, baby blue, tea cup.

“drink your tea alice…its rude to waste…” he said through a crazed grin. the people at his table slumped over and lifeless. alice in her blue blood stained dress… her head on the floor/

Cognitive: thought disorder, delusion, amnesia, belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, belief that thoughts aren't one's own, disorientation, memory loss, mental confusion, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority'

/his smile was one of insanity. the grin showing every one in group therapy that jervis was now the hatter. no longer in arkham, but in his own wonderland./

Mood: anger, anxiety, apathy, feeling detached from self, general discontent, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, elevated mood, or inappropriate emotional response

/“NO NO! its ALL WRONG!” the small man yelled. scaring the tightly bound, masked, hostages. “your supposed to say, yes sir! its so very very rude alice! wehave been over this over and over!” he steps closer towrared the shaking blond headed girl. “thats it…tea party over… your ruined it ….” he muttered. pushing the knife into “alice’s” throat so he could paint the roses red/

Psychological: hallucination, paranoia, hearing voices, depression, fear, persecutory delusion, or religious delusion Speech: circumstantial speech, incoherent speech, rapid and frenzied speaking, or speech disorder

/“Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch!” he whispered. clawing at his hair, pulling chunks of blond hair out. “He took his vorpal sword in hand” he muttered, taking a small razor into his shaking hand. “One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back” he cut into his wrists. his blood pouring out onto the cold floor. that shaky smile softened as he paled. the world growing cold… “And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? C…come to m..my arms, my b..eamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” darkness took over his sickened mind/

Existing here, the way I do, only furthers my want to stab my own eyes out with a rusty fork

My messy room is an expression of my thoughts

I turn the lights on in the middle of the night just to check you’re still breathing 💔  

Thoughts of us keep me awake 😔

It's so hard not to think about her 😔💔

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