I feel like I'm on a spiral that's only going downwards. Many people feel this way, and I'm not exempt from them. I am not a new case, I am not the exception. But all the same, I feel like they have found solid ground to build off of, and I am close to falling off this rocky surface. I feel like they have found something to lean on, and I am scrambling to be a pillar for myself. I have to be the lighthouse because I don't trust myself to trust someone else. My ship isn't close to sinking. It doesn't even have any holes(I make sure of it), but the sea I have found myself in is tossing and turning, and I can't stable the boat. I can't bring myself to ask for passage in someone elses, for that would be cruel. And I'm too prideful to ask for directions because I know that I will find myself lost again. So I'm stuck on a boat. I can't bring myself to steer it, and it's no one's fault but my own.
If this continues, I fear I will go overboard.
I hate being an academic procrastinator because I love being able to dive deep and spend hours on a project, or give my undividing attention to material and finish it to the best of my abilities.
But.
It just takes so long. The point of deep work is that it takes up time.
And from a standpoint, it's so easy to step back and say, I'm putting off that 4 hour session for later. But I'm not. Not until it's too late, that is. I like to believe that I'm getting better at it. But at this rate, im not too sure...