I want a relationship that is completely undefinable by any existing labels or words. Like, we're so close and we hug and kiss each other's foreheads and cuddle and travel and explore together, and we get along so well and have so much in common. But at the same time, our relationship isn't fully romantic or fully platonic; it's a completely separate, open-to-interpretation thing that we tweaked as needed, and we have our own boundaries and things we are and aren't comfortable with, and we respect each other in every way, shape, and form.
Something I recently realized that helped me understand my aro-spec identity is that my "crushes" that I can remember weren't actually fueled by romantic attraction for the person. They were actually fueled by attraction towards the idea of dating/liking them, but not actually them as a person. I wanted to find my soulmate and as soon as I found someone that I thought fit that ideal, I would start daydreaming about being with them, but I wasn't really attracted to them as a person, just my idealized version of them and the relationship. As a result, I couldn't really name any traits about those people that I liked, aside from surface level ones like, "funny," "nice," and "hardworking." And while I was aesthetically attracted to them, I never really fantasized about kissing them or being super romantic with them (aside from maybe hand-holding or hugging), and if I ever tried, it made me uncomfortable and felt like I was violating them. Did anyone else have a similar experience or is it just me?