This isn't a review or anything I just... I think I came to a weird realization.
So I frequent a lot of pornographic forums (mostly due to the human desire to talk about something you like) and I find they drop into two categories neatly:
1: aw yeah we're so fucked up and I love being a degenerate yeeea
Or 2: so I'm looking around and it seems like everyone here is missing, like, the exact same thing from their daily life that this gives me. Which uh, feels bad, but I guess this is group therapy now.
Like, check any gentle-dom, mommydom, even some pegging forums and you will just find a wealth of "oh." As people realize the bone deep desire to be told they are loved, wanted, and are doing a good job is uh, not primarily at least, a sex thing.
Posts with titled like "I don't care about gender, sex, identity, I just want to be loved" over a shockingly well rendered animation of a dude getting his back blown out by an older woman hit different when you know they're 1000% serious.
Like. I am guilty. I'm on those forums.
But I find myself at times of weakness, where I wonder if I'm Ace or Aro at all, having to draw a knife's edge border between psychological need and genuine desire.
And I do not know where that line is because I am not sure I've ever been on the other side of it.
Like, do I want romance or is the love of a trusted person a shockingly effective shortcut to self-actualizing and pride? Do I want to engage in a sexual act with someone or is it just a fastpass ticket to being told I am wanted and worthy of being desired?
Is it BDSM or do I just want to be reassured that what I'm doing is good, correct, and effective? That I can engage in an act I am unconfident in and be forgiven my inability due to my lack of choice and being provided constant instruction.
Am I not AroAce or just Insecure?
Ahh idk. It feels good to scream to the void. I'll figure it out, or I won't. Ain't like it's the weight of the world.