Neet 2025 - Blog Posts

today is worst day, i am off killing myself.

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our existence and future is predetermined by variables around us.

some things that make you better, and some things that don't.

when I consider that I imagine I should just off myself today.

I got shock figuring out I am 22, not 21 years old. I lost track of time so badly I forgot that. I thought I was 21 and convinced myself. But I actually am 22 now. Wow, last 5 years of my life were hell. In fact, I'd say everything after 12 was already hell. It was empty void. That's why I really hate videogames, why did I spend so much time playing garbage like Dark Souls? Jesus. Uh... Fuck, I am 22 years old, holy shit I am fucked. It's time to think about my future priorities. a month in mental asylum then few years of absolute suffering and misery, anything after 2015 is blurry to me, I feel like I stopped existing as entity. I wasted a lot of time on social media, a lot of time chasing nothingness, things that possess no power in the world.

And now it's actually 2025?! My brain feels like nothing has been happening and I was genuinely rotting away. I am glad I managed to release some of these touhou videos, I am glad I managed to bring churro back. But everything in my spirit feels miserable, it's pretty obvious I am not cutout for humanity's methodology. I haven't made any friends nor any partner, I do not have any form of support at all. Not even one of family. And with my personality, with my way of being, I doubt I'll ever be able to get any. My ego is in shambles and anger as of right now. It's funny right? It's a small detail but if I said 21 it would have made me FEEL as if I accomplished a little of something. By taking a date one year further now it makes me feel like I am REALLY LATE. After all, I took a while to condition myself to the premise of "atmosphere", this is how "things are supposed to be or play out". I feel insignificant today and like the world is jusjt gonna step on me to death and there's nothing I can do. I am people pleaser, because i felt socially forced to act like one. Like that was a means of survival that I half-hazardly accepted while not feeling it in my heart. Now even complaining makes me feel like age is crawling as penalty for speaking words here. Indeed, nobody really cares. It's all fake, people only care about things that cost zero risk. Associating yourself with something weak makes you weak, isn't that right?

So, what will be my priorities for the rest of my life?

I am definitely alone and I am also not strong to defeat the world on my own, I am tired of ironyposting. I am fucking tired of watching shit youtube content. I am tired of social media hijacking my mind (when really i would've preferred living in a tribe than this fucking -technocratic place) well.. 1. I will try to work on churro as much as I can so this site works and I will use my finance to support it. Since I won't ever have a child, I can share it with the site. It can be costly for future servers and for advertising on whenever I can, but it is my genuine goal to both spend my time and money on the site. That said, I cannot do it while also working, because a few hours aren't enough to code any substantial changes or fix bugs. I will work on trying to take a gambit of perfecting the site while NEET at the moment. My second goal is touhouposting, I thought that I will have periods where I upload videos on youtube and continue doing it. Playing videogames might not be good way to spend free time, but nobody really liked me and I don't communicate so I feel this is better efficient way than all these times I tried making friends. I will probably upload touhou videos every 4 days if my time allows it, but I will eventually run out of time to edit.

So, the touhou thing isn't eternal, give it like 5 years maybe max, I hope to end it at 3. They will be published even if I die but they ought to be entertaining videos.

With that said, gym and training play huge role of my daily life. So that also takes a lot of time.

And procrastinating, I gotta talk about the worst. I am bad at dealing with abstract things, they waste my time more than anything. I am already a loser incel the way I am but when I deal with something that doesn't have a clear goal it will be bothering me. I need to manage my time so I spend the LEAST time on things that requrie entertainment over work. This stuff is something that is hard to fight when you got addicted to brainrot.

As for drawing, drawing is genuine effort workoholic example, so I priotize drawing in free time over meaningless conversations with people who only care about themselves anyway + doom feedscrolling (awful i hate it i am not gonna do it anymroe notgonnadoit My life looks pretty shady according to human standard, but I never went to bars or anything like that, in fact maybe its peopel who are shady and they have the majority. So, what do I do after I get churro perfect and upload all vids I wanted? hm....

yep, I'm probably gonna die. I wouldn't know anything anymore, it'd be nice to have son who would manage churro, maybe I can adopt somebody at very late age as ultra-cuck or something, I am getting tired of typing....

19/02/2025.｡.:*☆

Completed Mole concept chapter's revision from ummeed batch.

Half completed frog from one shot of samapti ma'am.

Didn't do much yesterday because my sister who is pregnant was at home.So I have to take care of her and do all the housework. My mother also got sebaceous cyst removed from her back so all work was on me. Well, I tried to get some work done. ✅

cleaning up.

i don’t know why i’m back. it’s difficult to put all this behind me, it’s too soon to move on from an exam that i dedicated two years of my life to, so quickly- i feel like it isn’t fair to me. i don’t know if ill post but ill stick around, until im ready to leave? i don’t know honestly but i was cleaning up today- two years of my life has been solely this exam. i felt guilty taking breaks, going to sleep before 3 am made me feel like a failure and i compensated for that for the next day. all the breakdowns and self worth questioning- i put up with everything- just for this one dream- to be a doctor, to make my parents proud but here we are, on the floor- two days after the exam, still sobbing. how does anyone get over this? is there any point in taking a drop? they did this for two years, they’ll do it again. i feel so lost and purposeless. i’ve only ever dreamed of my life with this. my imagination never exceeded what happens after the exam. i feel directionless. i don’t know what to do with my time anymore. but i also don’t feel guilty for taking a break. maybe that’s a good thing? i don’t know.

was life ever more than the exam?

how was y’all’s exam ?

hello, my fav people <3

i don’t know if my nerves will let me post tmr or even let me form comprehensible statements so here we are.

2 days till the exam i spent 2 years studying. gave up sleep, food, fun and what not. felt guilty every time i took a break. 2 years filled with constant meltdowns, mental breakdowns, crash outs and burn outs. to say that the journey has been exhausting would be a huge understatement. we’ve all been through so much and it finally comes to an end, at least for now. might take a drop year or might change my mind about becoming a doctor altogether, we’ll find out soon enough :)

i really really wish you all the best <3 we’ve prepared so hard for this, given it our all- we so got this :) (gaslighting myself) i love you all deeply and thank you for being a part of my short journey here :) i don’t know if ill post after this or not- it depends on how my exam goes tbh but ive interacted with amazing people out here <3 if any of you would be willing to share insta id’s, please do let me know <3

all the very best to all of you 💌 i’m always gonna be so proud of all of us :) i love you.

signing off,

h.

💌

admit card aa gya lekin sharam nhi aayi

27 april 2025

okay so i cleaned my desk cuz it’s been an absolute mess since a few weeks and putting things back genuinely makes me feel less anxious 🙏🏾 so yay

woke up to construction noises again and terrible cramps :( so yeah but anyways

i made last week revision plan where i’ll be doing pyq’s along with revising the syllabus- obviously not covering the entire syllabus for revision now but just the super super important parts of it so yay

i’ll be revising the entirety of physics today - 11+12- mainly formulas and the well known problems so yay, i’ll do the pyq’s once i finish revising

6 days for neet is surreal. goodluck to all of you <3

have a nice day my loves 🌸

💌

cafe studying day out

cheap chinese takeout on the night of an exam hits.

19 april 2025

about time to get back on track and holding myself accountable (pls i can’t do this anymore but do we have a choice ? no we do not)

okay so i’m revising my entire 12th physics syllabus today cuz 🧚‍♂️🧚‍♂️ yeah i need to revise this shi. also been so bored of making my own coffee everyday so i went out for a walk and got myself coffee from my fav cafe ehehehhe (the only good cafe close to my home tbh but its yum so idm)- as you can see, ive replaced that dying paper straw with my straw cuz i refuse to have my coffee taste more like paper than coffee.

also got off instagram to lock in for the next two weeks :) and i got my viteee admit card and centre which is like 17 kms from my home and reporting time is 8 in the morning (kill me, i sleep at 5 am) and the traffic in my city is terrible at all times of the day sooooo let’s hope we make it on time 🤞🏼 also very scared for the aptitude test part of viteee

and as you can see, my desk is an appropriate reflection of the chaos in my brain. the sticky notes everywhere is very anxiety inducing but i’ve gotten used to it to a good extent so it’s okay.

14 days left for neet. i might acc cry- not cuz im scared but i’ll genuinely miss this phase of life sm:( spending most of my nights at this desk, trying to memorise the exceptions for inorganic chem or studying biology ncert for hours and hours on end without realising it’s been five hours , it’s really been a journey :( i wish id worked harder honestly but what’s done is done and i did do my best everyday and don’t have many regrets.

i yap a lot for someone who has neet in 14 days, bye bye

have a nice day my loves 💐

💌

also i finished a 400 page book in 15 days 💀 this gives me so much validation omg

6 april 2025

doing some more physics questions today from a lecture to solidify my 11th concepts - almost done with the lecture

i also plan to do 12th biology with questions today, since i’ve done questions for most chapters already i might be able to finish it.

nothing too interesting other than this. just a slow sunday with my bottle of coffee and the never ending todo list 🌸

anyways have a nice day my loves

💌

also lately been feeling a lot of fomo cuz all my friends get to go out and have fun while i’m gonna be cooped up at my desk, with the same old lectures :( but yeah well- hopefully all this pays off.

5 april 2025

okayyy so last night- i might’ve made my coffee when i was super sleepy and accidentally put like five spoons of coffee into my drink and couldn’t sleep well last night and had to go out today morning so i came back and crashed but now - time to lock in.

ok byeeee

have a lovely day 🌸

💌

also i’ve been avoiding posting my desk cuz it’s too repetitive and monotonous ;( we’ll get back to it soon.

4 april 2025

hiiii <3 okay so i had to go out today to verify documents for another competitive exam - had to visit both my schools so it took some time cus i ran into friends 💀 as a yapper- well it took me five hours to finish 2 hours of work but i feel refreshed and im gonna finish 11th physics today for sure, no matter how late it gets.

alsooo went to my fav cafe and got coffee ehehehhe 🤞🏼

i love leaving lipstick stains 💋

anyway - let’s get back to grinding 🌸

have a lovely day

💌

31 march 2025

long time no see :)

i haven’t been able to do a lot, i’ve just been super exhausted and unmotivated and i feel like that shouldn’t be an excuse for me to not study, considering my exam is so close but i can feel the exhaustion and burn out in my bones.

well regardless, i’ve been tryna finish a 12 hour organic chemistry lecture and ill finish it today, marking the end of my organic revision.

i also have to start a kinematics / class 11 physics part 1 lecture and that’s also 12 hours 😭 but let’s see, i’m hoping to start it off today me finish it by tomorrow or maximum, day after.

eh anyway, let’s just hope this one month goes by quickly.

goodluck to all of you and have an amazing day and stay hydrated my loves 🌼

💌

27 march 2025

LONG TIME NO SEEEEE

okay i’m back from vacation (had the best time ever) and now it’s time to lock in 😼

i’m starting slow and doing zoology to pick up momentum so today’s goal is to finish the entirety of human physiology.

to do list :

breathing and exchange of gases

body fluids and circulation

excretory products and their elimination

locomotion and movement

neural control and coordination

chemical coordination and integration

okayyy i’m gonna get back to studying now

have an amazing day my loves 🌼

💌

28 february 2025

starting late but it’s okay cuz it’s integration day, i needed the mental prep 😭 hopefully i finish it off today and have the next two days for revision. day 3 without coffee, it’s getting more difficult, i might cave in 🥲 but anyway :

todo list for today :

integration

application of integrals

differential equations

this’ll take my whole day by itself so yay, if i get some time ill prolly do physics or chem questions - i really miss doing physics questions now 🥲 but yeah let’s see

goodluck loves <3 have a lovely day and stay hydrated 💗

6 pm update - done with 1/4th of integration :))) seems kinda slow but i did a lot of questions so im happy with it

10 pm update - i’ve got 1/2 the chapter left (why is this so godamn long oh god) but yeah 🥲 sounds like it’ll be a late night

clocked in 8 hours of integration until now, my brain is going to collapse into itself

12 am update - done with integration, i give up on the rest for today, goodnight loves 💌

integration is content heavy so i can manage revision and doing the rest of it tmr or day after too

clocked in 9 hours of integration 🥲

days left for boards : 2

💌

27 february 2025

to do list :

maxima minima

vectors

3D geometry

LPP

probability

a complete math day cus boards are close 🥲 gonna be tiring. im gonna try sticking to my no coffee plan but i doubt it’ll last, math is draining me 😭 anyways goodluck to yall too <33

have an amazing day <33

5 pm update - done with maxima minima and vectors (yay). i suddenly feel really unprepared for inverse trig so ill be revising that too today 🥲🥲

11pm update - done with vectors and 3d, took a nice three hour break cuz why not honestly but yeah i’ve only got probability and lpp left for today so im hoping to be done by 1am yay

12 am update - done with probability hehhehehehe only lpp left, that’ll be done soon (yayyyyy) xx

1 am - done with my todo listttt yayyy, did some skin care too, now off to bed 💌 goodnight loves

24 february 2025

super sleep deprived so i can’t focus much but i gotta start doing math from tomorrow along with hindi for my boards so im doing light work today and heading to bed early so i have enough sleep to deal with math from tomorrow.

i slept pretty late last night, continued studying even after that post cuz why not 🪬 but yeah, i had to be up early for school too so today was reallyyyy tiring for me, i didn’t even sleep after coming back 😭

but i made my plan for all the days until boards and it’s pretty intense so i decided to keep today’s schedule pretty light, just finishing up what i left yesterday like the notes of aldehydes, ketones and carboxylic acids and amines and studying biomolecules.

my eyes are already hurting 🥲

anyways i’m gonna finish this off and head to sleep soon today hehehe

byeeeee <3

21 february 2025

hihihiiii

ok so today was amazing :) i woke up too early for my own good and got a fever (don’t know how that works) but yeah 🥲 i did two chapters (two hours) before i went back to take a nap 💀 but i woke up really refreshed and i felt better tho my temp hadn’t gone down. anyways, i made a new schedule but clearly it needs some changes if i can’t deal with waking up early, im too much of a night owl 🫠

i clocked in 11 hours of productivity on a sick day, so i’m pretty proud.

what i got done today :

atomic structure- concepts and theory

current electricity - formula and concepts

current electricity- questions + pyq

haloalkanes and haloarenes- questions + pyq

alcohols, phenols and ethers - lecture + some questions

newtons laws of motions - theory + some questions

electrochemistry - 100 slides of lecture notes

pretty good for a sick day and my phone screen time is the lowest it’s been since months :) pretty happy about quitting social media too but it’s gotten much lonelier, but it’s a fair trade to me. anyways i’m doing my last hour now, i might do a few more questions from NLM to end my night but nothing too content heavy. today’s been a really fun day :) i wanna get to bed early so i can get better faster too. anyways - that’s all for today

days left for neet - 72

days left for boards - 10

bye byeee <3

pls take care and stay hydrated (summer is draining the life out of meeee)

4 february 2025

i haven’t posted since quite some time now.

i’ve been really burnt out lately but i ordered some coffee today from a cafe and it did make the day better.

what i’ve done in the past two days -

electrostatics - theory + pyq

electric potential - theory + pyq

coordination compounds - theory + pyq

studying physics practicals

molecular basis of inheritance - theory + pyq

d and f block - theory

breathing and exchange of gases - theory + pyq

body fluids and circulation - theory + pyq

human reproduction - theory + pyq

motion in 1-D - theory + pyq

atomic structure - theory + 1/2 pyq

i have my practical exams starting from 6th. i’ve got biology on 6th, physics on 7th and chemistry on 10th. i also have school tomorrow so ill be studying for my bio practicals tomorrow itself (very scared).

i’ve been focusing on 12th portions again so i can concentrate on my boards too. i’ll redo 11th after im done with boards.

19 january 2025

done with electrochemistry, chemical kinetics, kinetic theory of gases and thermodynamics

i don’t think i’ll be solving questions any time soon so i’m just hoping to finish up the theory bits and move on the questions after jee for neet (super messed up)

i also revised atoms, nuclei and dual nature along with oscillations.

it’s now 4 am, almost and i’m not tired yet. i planned out the rest of my day for tmr and hopefully i follow it and finish my portions on time.

done today :

kinetic theory of gases

thermodynamics

chemical kinetics

electrochemistry

revised :

atoms

nuclei

dual nature of matter and radiation

oscillations

HELLOOOO 💌

i’m a neet aspirant (2025) in her 12th grade, i kinda wasted my 11th and didn’t quite focus on neet prep so now im tryna catch up. 🎀

i made this blog to help me hold myself accountable and document my journey in the last few months of prep before my exam + rant about life 🧸

i chose medicals since i love science and i aspire to be a genetic scientist someday but let’s see how that goes. 🧬

interests / hobbies : reading - i love classicals and books related to science 🌸 art - i draw and paint (watercolours) 🌸 writing - i like to write poetry and snippets 🌸 im also a major coffee enthusiast and cannot function without it anymore 🌸 i play football too (state level) and i like running a lot (away from my problems) 🌸 i also love learning about space (im weak at math so i only stick to knowing fun facts) 🌸 and have a keen interest in marine biology 🌸 i do like learning new languages (i’ve learned german, french, korean and japanese but i’ve forgotten most of them because i stopped practicing them) 🌸 i also love watching medical shows and animes. 🌸

goals : to be extremely educated 🌼 learn a shit ton of languages 🌼 and mainly to get a medical seat in my first attempt 🌼 to read a million books 🌼

i try to post my to-do list everyday with constant updates and you’ll see a lot of ranting, cribbing, crying.

exams : jee mains (jan shift), cet, viteee, mahe-met and neet (for now) 🎀

anyways, i’m hoping to make friends with similar interests and passion <3 here’s to making new friends and a life of learning ahead 💌