Mentally Exhausted - Blog Posts
You know your mental health is bad when you start crying after the Kokobot says that it'll always be there for you
I need to out of this school.
There's nothing worth stressing over when there's only one month and a half left. These past few weeks I've been going nowhere, especially after getting a night shift job at Dollar Tree. "A job's a job, there's will be lazy ä$$hats galore so you gotta deal with it." But I'm sick of that motto. I'm sick of my dad saying this same degrading shït over and over again. I'm sick of these fūçkwåds at school being overdramatic anytime I walk past them cuz I got acne (aka ugly) and ig I stink now (yes. I'm self conscious abt that and figuring out how to stop it). And I physically, mentally, and emotionally can't deal with this. Say what u want. I can brush this crap off but for how long? It's draining and exhausting. Just like how ppl don't like me and can't deal me, I can't deal with them. But ig I'm the problem when I say that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Time for me to get personal, these past two months are some of the worst months in my four years of high-school. Hell not even that, all of my four years were shitty. Freshman year was trashy, I dont remember anything from Sophmore year (thx c0víd), Junior year was just... no, and now my Senior year is already off to a bad start. And on top of that, my urge to meet new ppl is hanuting me again. Like I definitely show signs of social anxiety (although I don't wanna self diagnose myself) and for my entire life, meeting new people is a struggle. And no not the "I hAtE tALkiNG tO lArGe CrOwDs" or "I HaTe pEoPLe" shit. I actually mean I physically cannot talk to people, whether it's a large or small group. Fuck I can't talk to another person unless they do it first, and even then I can't hold a convo for more than three seconds. And don't get me started with crushes. Never had a significant other. Ever. And the last time I caught feelings, he thought I was a creep. I'm literally months away from being legal and if I cannot talk to or ask people abt anything then this'll be the death of me.
I'm so sad my bones ache....
I really need to collapse onto the floor right now. Could really use some nice comforting exhaustion
Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.
Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.
What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.
I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.
I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.
I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.
Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.
But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.
I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.
I just walked up to my sister and said “I need you to listen to me very carefully. I am currently surviving on 1 ibuprofen 1 Tylenol, the spite to be more educated than my dad, and the spite to not kill myself before my dad does. Do not speak to me”
She handed me a popsicle
My first softball game today, I have never been so scared and worried.
Prodigy of 7
I am a broken burnt out child prodigy I could speak a mile a minute Words were my freedom My liberty
My tongue was cut when I was 7 My heart was burning with the anger and disappointment of a million My mother My father My friends My teachers
Too many people thought me to be "brave" "intelligent" "independent" "strong"
Yet all along I was "Afraid" "Alone" "Fragile"
I was never independent I thought I couldn't rely on anyone I thought I was alone
This must have been why I tried so hard on my grades This must have been why I crashed one too many times
I am a burnt out and broken child prodigy I was...
In honor of suicide prevention month, here goes my story. When i was 8, i decided I'd had enough. My sister stopped talking to me, i had lost my favorite person, my friends left me, and my parents didn't care. I tried remaining happy, to please my parents and my teachers.But then my third grade teacher started yelling, I'd flinch and cry. And when my fourth grade teacher yelled and said I'd disappointed her, i cowered behind a locked restroom door. And then, at the ripe age of ten, i tried to die. I figured, what was the purpose? He was dead, she left me, i was alone with time to spare. So I grabbed a kn!fe and i ¢ut my arm. And it didn't bleed and i was mad. I was mad it didn't bleed, so i ¢ut again. Eventually, i found it addicting. Every time i would ¢ut deeper until one day, i found no amount of ¢uts would satisfy me. So instead of wanting to feel something, i didn't want to feel at all. So by the beginning of spring when i was twelve, i was overd0$ing. Any kind of p!lls i could take, i did. But when i couldn't feel anything at all, i met someone. She lit up my days and i loved her smile, and the way she aligned and how she spoke. So i followed her around, like a lost puppy looking for its owner. But when i told her i loved her she became distant. I loved her with everything i had and i thought we would grow up together. I was wrong. By early October of the year following, she left. I cried and yelled until my voice went hoarse. I spent a week without talking. I took a trip and met my niece and said i would live for her, i would live so i could show her the world when she grew up. But when i got back home my walls were painted a light shade of gray, and my sheets were missing, and all the p!lls were gone, and i couldn't find a single fucking kn!fe. I was fine up until then. But then my parents started to try to fix me. And then, i came out. And i thought it would be fine but i think it was never okay with them. So i shut my door and blared my music, and anyone who dared to open the door would have to leave. The Sunday after i came out my mom tried taking me to church to "help me feel better" and i denied. Then she tried pulling my arm towards the car while i was screaming and hitting and crying and i couldn't stop. When i finally wrenched my arm free i went to the only room in the house with locked doors and hid in the closet. I went back into my closet to breathe. And then i heard pounding on the door and locked myself in the closet, wishing and hoping she wouldn't get in. But she did. And i tried to calm down but she wouldn't let me, and she was telling and i could tell she was crying but not out of love or sympathy or pitty, but of anger. And then she called my dad to calm me down because she was "busy". But as i was calming down she walked by the door. I didn't have to look to know it was her because i could hear the pattern of her steps in the hardwood floor and i was afraid. I started to get angry but i couldn't move because my dad was holding me back. So i did the only thing i could do and i yelled. I yelled for her not to touch me. And i yelled for her to go away. And i yelled and yelled until my dad was shushing me and the dog was barking and the birds were screeching but i didn't care. A child shouldn't have to memorize the sound of their parents footsteps. A child shouldn't know how to ¢ut. A hidl shouldn't have to feel like if they couldn't please their family they were worthless. A child shouldn't have to worry about being safe in their house. A child shouldn't have to yell and fight to get away from their parents. I was seven when childhood ended.
You don’t have to put on a shield at the onset of your day, but you do have to realise that you have a heart and it makes you feel, it helps you feel, and you’ll have to allow that. I repeat this is not a war, this is you living, treat yourself with care, rather than masking it under a tough exterior
Soft reminder that you have the liberty to choose the people you’ll invest your time and energy into, not the other way around, don’t let something that couldn’t have possibly governed you, have its restraints on you
If you have chosen to prioritise yourself over the commitment to an event or person then give yourself a Pat on the back because learning to say no is easier said than done, and if you’ve made it through that hurdle then you deserve nothing more than your own company to better suffice your conscience and give it the peace of mind it needs this very moment
I strongly believe that love can be found and channelled anywhere so long as that something/someone hasn’t decided to make you feel otherwise, almost as though you should regret loving.Love is heavy, lightweight, subjective, mobile and constantly keeping a check on you so you see glimpses of it around you, maybe hidden under the lines of the book you’re reading, maybe trapped under the warmth of your blanket, maybe with the company a stray cat gives you on the street while you’re on your way back home,maybe with the candy wrapper you found rummaging through your pocket while feeling the sweet aftertaste in your mouth, maybe with the way someone rests their hands on your shoulder, maybe with the way someone calls out your name, it’s there. It stays, so don’t you dare for a second think that it’s left your side
You’re going to reach a point where you look at a person and you can tell what all has changed ever since the last time the two of you spoke, you’re going to realise that they have new hobbies and gifts and interests, maybe even people, encompassing them, and you’re not a part of it. This is your strike to pick up on the fact that you’ve walked through the times you knew you couldn’t have passed considering the emotional barrier tugging at your wrists like restraints, you’re going to look at those hands and realise that pressing onto the palms of your memories doesn’t sting as much anymore, the shade of your skin has risen again, dancing in your embrace like velvet sheets that lay beneath :)
maybe this isn’t the time for you to hold a hand, maybe this is the time for you to reach down your pocket and find the Candy you were supposed to have a week ago and laugh to yourself. You have a life, and you’re living it. The departure of a person does not stop that, and it was never about the pace was it? you’re living proof of that. To remember and to savour the very last thought of a person is human nature, not a weakness.
You know at times we do overlook the simplicity of a word, and that further leads you to letting it hold the weight of the life on your shoulders. Mistake, not disappointment, failure, agony, disgrace- you know the rest you’ve said it to yourself time and time again without a doubt. Yes you have. Now think about it again, mis-take. You. Missed. A. Take. No more, no less.
I made a mistake a year and a half back, it wasn’t the kind of lie where you hide a bag of chips behind somebody’s back. It was the kind of lie that broke somebody’s trust in you. Eventually it starts to grow on you etching all the way through the small of your back, upto your spine and jamming into your skull, ultimately making you believe that you MUST NOT ever live this down.
You see a reminder is a receipt of your actions and consequences in an event, but what you might not see is that the ink on that paper dries with time, it will go away, there will be a time where you’ll pick it up and you’ll see absolutely nothing,no trace.
You are going to have endless opportunities to beat yourself up over something, but allow yourself to keep it to the short stuff, maybe a brain freeze, or when you miss your bus, a paper cut, biting your tongue when you’re too excited to speak even, so technically it’s all word v0m1t.Now I’m not here to snatch that away from you, you do that all you want, but what about that one time, that split second where you know the night is colder than usual, that split second where you’re more restless than ever, that split second where you’re twisting and turning and the air around you seems to be holding a grip on your breath, and you so desperately wish the night were warmer, if only a little, where you KNOW you’ve got nothing but yourself to hold onto?
Why would you abandon yourself? We know we’ve spoken to ourselves before, we know we’ve sat with ourselves before, but did you make an effort to reach out to that echo inside of you and hold it tight to keep it safe and sound from all the intrusive thoughts peeking through? To keep yourself warm?
Surely you’ve heard “You know what you did back there, and don’t you forget it. This time won’t be any different. I just KNOW you’re going to make the same mistake again, and if you’re too stubborn to risk it again? Who am I to stop you” but what about “you did what you did under the heat of your impulse, neither of us could’ve controlled it. It has been a while and you allowed yourself to let the event sink in with time, you were afraid, and I’m not saying what you did was right or wrong, it was understandable because you were afraid. Give yourself that validation to forgive yourself” you are LEARNING and LEARNING and you LEARN and you LEARN
And maybe that will be your taking your from it, no trophy, no award, no nothing, but your accountability, and your taking, now that’s some fancy stuff right there. I did not deserve to be beat up over an event that happened years back, but I was allowed to be afraid and to let myself feel the pressure, I was allowed to find a way, to BUILD a way out. You are allowed to channel your faith on a belief that pats you on the back and kisses your forehead because that was a very hard time, but you DO get to push through, you do not need permission. You have a RIGHT to.
You get to have just as much liberty as anybody out there who decides to put themselves forth and move forward, always
The life and the dream in Chicago.
TW: Panic attack.
The internet describes a panic attack as a brief episode of intense anxiety, which causes the physical sensations of fear.
If you search on the Internet for: panic attack symptoms, it gives you a list of potential physical symptoms you may experience during one.
• pounding or racing heart
• sweating
• chills
• trembling
• difficultly breathing
• weakness or dizziness
• tingly or numb hands
• chest pain
•stomach pain or nausea
The first time I was aware I was having a panic attack I didn't realize it in the moment but rather a bit afterwards.
We had come home, I don't remember from where. My mother and brother were arguing, my brother made her mad. I know she was walking towards him but I felt like she was walking to me. I was so scared. I entered my room, sitting down against the closed door.
I began crying. I couldn't breathe and I just kept on crying. I was hysterical but quiet.
I could feel my heart racing, I was panicked. I thought I could never calm down again.
I tried to calm myself but to no avail. I continued crying. I was shaking, I was so scared.
I believe the constant crying and the uneven breathing made my chest hurt.
Something hurt.
It wasn't anything I'd recommend. I was afraid and couldn't seem to calm down for a while. I was hysterical crying. No one came to check on me, asked me how I am. No one cared.
"just be yourself" small problem i don't know who that is
i know anxiety and menstruation are used to dismiss many people's health problems but my god it makes it so fucking invalidating to exist as someone whose problems are genuinely caused by those things
my mental health problems are caused by my menstrual cycle. they're disabling and disastrous.
my anxiety is disabling, i cannot leave the house.
my anxiety was the cause of my chronic fatigue.
anxiety and periods are real, valid causes of suffering. we need to stop dismissing that. just because your problems might be caused by other conditions doesn't make problems caused by "just anxiety" any less painful to deal with.