Lonliness - Blog Posts
Whenever I’m in any type of relationship with a man whether it be casual or serious, I always feel like I’m pretending throughout the entire duration of the relationship, and I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t aspire to morph into my current boyfriend’s image of the perfect girl, it just happens. The way I talk, walk, dress and behave all become skewed and foreign to me. I hate that no man I’ve been in love with has met the real me. I don’t make up the way I feel about these guys, I just haven’t met anybody that I’ve felt like I could be my true self around. Whenever whatever fling I have going ends, I’m left disgusted with myself and empty because though I was vulnerable with my heart, I wasn’t with my soul and I don’t know how to change that. It’s not even just with romantic partners, it happens in majority of my friendships too. Also, for some reason I don’t think that any of these people have really tried to get to know to me on a deeper level anyway, so how could I be myself if nobody ever knows me? I think I’m cool and worth knowing, it just feels shit that nobody else seems to. I don’t know where or how to meet people that make me feel like being myself, but I would really like to.
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"Your absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color."
W.S. Merwin
the loneliness is killing me softly.
