Lgcjisoo - Blog Posts

“would it be so bad if i said i didn’t mind a kfc,” now who was she and what had she done with xu lili? the girl who complained about the smell of fried chicken oil and how it would induce a zillion and one underground pimples by morning seemed to be nowhere to be seen. “at least they would welcome our presence.” 

would they make a cake out of chicken legs if she mentioned that it was her birthday?

“yea —“ her eyes drift to her heels, “for sure, definitely not dressed for anything outdoorsy. let’s also not climb any hills, i don’t think my body can take any more stress.” she knows seoul is made up of nothing but hills but if anything, it was a subtle yet desperate plea for a taxi ride rather than slumming it in the subway.

her steps begin to slow as she thinks over the options more seriously, feeling the chill in the air as she suddenly comes to a stop and is not incensed by the warmth from walking. “mmm, i’d say warm and cozy. anything but cold, please.”

"we can make it work, even if its..." jisoo side eyes lili, "a hole in the wall." at this point, most things truly were closed around this time, but he's sure there were some homely mom and pop shops, or businesses that knew they could take advantage of these days, where everyone else had off. "i promise, i am not dragging you to KFC or anything that defaults in that direction." that would make it even more of an unhappy birthday now, wouldn't it?

"but you didn't even have a birthday cake... we're going to have to remedy that." hopefully it didn't mean him baking one but if it had to happen. if his eye does a slight twitch, jisoo doesn't comment.

"not to be completely lacking adventure, it is not about me and i'd rather not completely misguide it so would you prefer something warm, or cold, relaxing... cozy, or random and," heaven forbid, "i am not going to give you the option of outdoorsy because a, we aren't dressed for it and b, i'd rather us not end up sick."

fun was not the word that could explain her mood but she supposes it was the best way to … levy the anguish that was swirling inside her. if she had expected anyone to stop her, such a feat goes without notice, their presence easily slipping through the doors like sand between ones fingers; quick, hard to hold onto and without fail, easy to miss. 

lili knew she would hear no end of it later but she didn’t care about that, at least not now.

for the remainder of her birthday, lili wanted it to be about her.

and rather than wallow at home, moping about another failed birthday, she mulls jisoo’s suggestion with a tilt of her head; bracing the new year’s cold with a quick tug of her jacket around her shoulders. “what do you have in mind?” the night was still young but — it was the beginning of the new year, what were the odds somewhere had room to accommodate them?

it really didn't feel like a birthday dinner at all, and it makes jisoo think that they ought to rewind a few days and have had a mutual celebration instead. it's not too late, considering how its going. belated never hurt anyone ( well, on paper. but with lili, it could always play out to be a different story ) but anything seems to be better than this. the whole event was decorated as a farce for lili's birthday but the charade did not match. the memo was missed. and no birthday cake even!

jisoo is dressed for the occasion but the celebratory part seems to be amiss as he sat for majority of the eve, legs crossed and observant at the lack of anything truly happening. trying to stay quiet through the droll of speeches, there was only so many bathroom and water breaks he could take while not ditching his friend's side.

"yes, time does fly when you're.... having fun." he clears his throat, glancing at his watch. "i think it is time to head out. if you'll excuse us," his family did have a dog, settling perfectly at home with his parents, but it would be well-suited as an excuse if anyone asked for proof of photos. he hadn't brought anything with him that wasn't already on his body, lest his coat so with that in hand, he is already on tailspin on the way out. he prefers to have lili go ahead of him, in case anyone starts asking about why they were leaving so early, or that they not ought to go.

only when they're out of earshot, and sight and having turned the corner, jisoo glances at lili fully first before opening his mouth again. a conversation with her at times could be described as standing in the middle of a fork. which way to go? "would you rather head home or be on autopilot and we still end up celebrating your birthday a little more quietly between the two of us? we're already out and dressed for it."

PITY PARTY: PARTY OF 1 ୨୧ @lgcjisoo / BACKDATED (010125)

the humiliation burns.

and yet, lili would rather wear the flaw like a bright red ‘a’ a la scarlet letter. if hester prynne could be prosecuted for the shame of adultery, could lili’s crime be considered of that multitude?

what had been her crime again?

ah right — existing, was it?

on the eve of her birthday, for what lili had thought was to be her birthday dinner — she had invited jisoo on the pretense of such — they gathered around a long mahogany table : filled with food, left untouched ; conversation, guided by the xu matriach, none other than lili’s grandmother ; and people lili could not place or fathom to know.

was this truly her birthday dinner?

her grandmother had introduced it as so and yet, despite the first sentence starting and ending with lili — everything that followed had nothing to do with the girl who was at the cusp of turning twenty-four that night. and she was floored, utterly embarrassed and speechless at the obvious display of neglect. 

was she supposed to sit here, look pretty and take this disrespect? the way her grandmother stares her down from across the table is a clear answer.

an obvious one that lili finds she doesn’t want to listen to — grabbing her purse, she tugs on jisoo’s sleeve, slamming her heels to the ground as she stands. “let’s go, we still have to pick up your dog from the daycare, right?”

she lies through her teeth — thinking on her feet for some semblance of an excuse only to find the piss-poorest one, and yet her eyes flash a demand for jisoo to get his ass out of that chair. 

“hypothetically!” lili adds after the fact. though, despite herself, fiery temperament and all, lili did know how to be professional. and the last thing she wanted to do was embarrass herself — and sure, by extension jisoo, as well — in front of people she could very well work with again in the future. one could never know what the future had in store, building roots rather than burning bridges should be her main priority.

( even if lili was too good at burning bridges, today she’ll play nice )

“don’t worry, i’ll be good.”

if being good meant putting her pretty smile, only to complain to jisoo’s ear after the shoot, then yes — lili will be oh so good.

“the face is off limits but who said the ribs or the ankles couldn’t take a kick or two?” she’s joking, now, obviously. lili would rather admit defeat than risk breaking a nail, or worse, getting a scar on any part of her. 

call her surprised; a brow raising in expectation at his words. “is this really the han jisoo? or has some alien taken over your body? or maybe you’re a business-minded double?” anything she wanted? oh, where has this jisoo been all her life? willfully ignoring the 'within reason' addition, she smiles, “really — anything at all?”

if there's anyone that can provoke a reaction out of him, there's two people that up in his mind, and one of them is lili. for sure! headlining the main act : li yifei. congratutions. "now why would you be starting a fight in the middle of a shoot, if not on purpose." there's a finger at his temple, and jisoo allows her to have this sigh that escapes from his throat unwillingly.

there's some silence between them as jisoo simply stares at lili, unsure of how to even entertain or respond to this. comedic reply? or a stern reply? "i'll pull haru out of there myself if i have to, no black eyes allowed for anyone. some arguing back and forth? by all means, get into it emotionally if you have to. makes for better content. or something like that." of course, out of earshot of anyone else, who could hear him encouraging a disagreement. he's sure that neither of the starring parties would let it get that far.

"if there's something that will make you behave, speak it aloud and if i can make it happen, i will. do you want something on set? or off set? i can have it delivered if," emphasis on if, jisoo says with enunciation, "if its within reason."

“i think i passed him briefly in the makeup trailer.” what lili should have done was introduce herself but what happened to being a gentleman? should lili do everything herself? 

before lili could huff at the comment, he’s retracting it and all lili could do was pout — lips formed, whether because she lost her chance to tease him for it or that she was looking for an outlet to rid her of her nerves.

nerves? around jisoo — who knew.

“sure, i suppose that’s what you meant.” she could only believe him at face value, “how do you know we won’t start a fight in the middle of the shoot — strong personalities and all?” wondering where jisoo’s head was at — to put the two of them together, if that had been the case. lili would have thought it be a disaster — strong personalities often were, especially when pitted against another, if not, stronger one. 

if she chooses not to keep it, he thinks it'd be very amusing if a package arrived for her in the mail anyway - which haru and lili likely would be gifted after it was all over, when the shooting wrapped up, but jisoo isn't going to say that right now, as he definitely is no mind reader and cannot figure lili out - even after all these years, tragic. ( or maybe, the better way to say it is, he can figure her out, but its always better to not say it aloud to dispel the moment. )

the corners of his eyes crease as he smiles, nonplussed at her demeanour. it seems... the shoot will run smoothly? permitting that the two mains don't butt heads. "i mean, you know i can if i am in the corner. just don't put me in the corner, and i won't bite,' clearing his throat, he glances in the direction where she is towards and agrees. "perhaps that may be one of the ones selected. we certainly won't only pick one, so there is some variety." everything seems to be coming aligned, unlike the rarity in the sky that will never occur. but for him, the three of them aligning on the same trajectory was enough.

"have you met your co-star yet?" jisoo must inquire, since it is likely that the dual shots will come soon. "i hope neither of you will chase the other away with respectively, strong personalities in very different ways. its a compliment, i swear," he insists, holding his palms out.

“should i?” 

a hand models the ring, flashing it here and there, watching the light catch it in the most harmonic of ways. the glint is appeasing, and lili hardly said no to things that were offered — especially pretty things.

it was awfully on brand of her.

a cold brilliance wishing to be eclipsed by a warmth she couldn’t quite give herself. maybe it was why no matter her internal qualms that she so frustratingly and rather involuntarily projected, she still wished to be around jisoo — like a moon caught in it’s planet’s orbit. 

she wants to scoff, but she reserves the bite for a smile, albeit an amused laugh that she hides behind a hand, sparkling ring and all. “bite — as if you could ever bite.” she looks over him at the computer screen that held stills of their latest shot, pointing out one of the slides where the lighting hit her the best but still held a small cover of a shadow, much like a waning moon. “i like this one, the lighting was a nice call.”   

gorgeous, but deadly - she had an aura about her that fit the moon. difficult to reach, a bit cold, a nice contrast to the warmth that haru could convey. or was he describing how they were acting to one another right now? they didn't quite resolve everything from their last instance, and now they danced in limbo. ( again. again ! ) maybe they'd orbit each other that way eternally. and besides, its not as if he's acting against her role. it just happens to be his brand. and happens to be his commercial that he's looking over. she could just pretend he's not here... actually, no she can't. it'd look so badly upon them both since they were around others, and a tarnished name or reputation was difficult to wipe. "you can keep it if you like it," jisoo comments in response to her, albeit a bit nonchalantly. he's leaving the answer in her court for her to say yes or no, that she possibly couldn't.

this isn't quite an olive branch though, but what would it take? at least they were being cordial right? ".. feel free to chime in too, lili. we don't bite here." the swap of the set gave him an opportunity to actually discuss things with his model, if she wanted to, that is.

໒꒱ . MODELING GIG # 003 _ AURORA REVIEW 、

one would think that lili’s first thought of being selected for a model for a brand would be of course it would be me — but you could not be anymore wrong.

she is surprised, so much so that she doesn’t believe it at first. 

being selected as a brand model is an honor — not a right — truly a privilege bestowed upon her by some higher power — was it jisoo? or had it been pure luck? — that lili had no hand in. and this is what stumps her — the go-getter in her is baffled that such a prestige just lands in her hands. 

( because lili knows —

seen it,

lived it,

had the deepest of traumas to prove it,

nothing is really that easy )

putting her feelings into words had never been easy. even now, she has yet to exclusively apologize to jisoo for things she knows she’s done, and if she were being honest, she probably will never really give him the apology he deserves. so, asking to put her feelings on the matter into words as so under the guise of reviewing the video of the brand’s overall concept as done through the eyes of its creator, lili may be a little less obliged to speak.

but — since it is lili — she has things to say, even if she doesn’t truly wish for them to be said.

“i like it.” she says at first, as if testing out how the compliment tastes on the tongue. it’s not bad — maybe because it’s not ingenuine. “it has an understated elegance that you would usually feel with an older standing brand.” a remark that flatters the brand for understanding its roots and not straying from it. 

“han jisoo-씨 has quite the eye.” would she have utter it to his face? would he hear these words from others? would lili have preferred it if he did? “i’m glad i was given the chance to be a part of this, i don’t know what other brand i could identify more with. i might even buy something for my grandmother.” another keepsake her grandmother would say she cherishes only to be thrown to the back of her wardrobe with the rest of lili’s unnecessary gifts to the matriarch. 

“or maybe i’ll buy one for myself.” a testament to a triumph she'd like to remember for later.

THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON — if lili is the moon, what does that make @lgcjisoo?

color lili surprised when the news reaches unsuspecting ears — out of all things to be chosen for, she did not expect this. 

now, seeing it in person was a different experience. in between then and now, she hadn’t had much leeway with jisoo — maybe it was lili’s pride, maybe she just didn’t know what to say — but when she catches his eyes from across the room as she steps into the cosmetics trailer, she’s determined to make today the day that she gets a word in, no matter if the words that should be said have yet to make up their mind. 

it’s that weird in between again — 

they weren’t fighting, but they weren’t talking and lili didn’t know where they stood. and yet, here they were — watching from afar as the photoshoots commenced. 

“i like this.” she says, in between shots, when the photographer calls for a change of cameras and lighting — when eyes are all on the screens and not on the unsuspecting pair away from the bright lights. her fingers toying with the eclipse ring adorning her forefinger. she had never seen herself as a gold girl but even lili knew when something looked nice on her — and she couldn’t help but admire the outline of the silver moon against its contrasting hue. 

flip a coin, and you’d wonder just how two individuals have tangled themselves so far with little to tether between them. 

flip a coin, and you’ll see that these two are two sides of the same coin. both hurt, both frustrated, and yet neither seem to find it in themselves to see that same hurt and frustration in the other.

at least, in lili’s case, she’s blind to it. 

projecting, he says? sure, let’s call it that. maybe she was projecting, and she can feel the prickle of irritation spur her on as he hits the nail on it’s head. her own features flinching when she catches the most subtle curl of a grin at his lips — was he enjoying her misery?

did he liken her hurt to a game?

well — two could play at that game. she forcibly softens her gaze, the first of the two to turn away from his intense gaze as she feels a hiccup of a cry lodge itself in her throat. the prickle of tears already at the corner of her eyes. 

( god, she should’ve been an actress )

she wills them back, her eyes angled upwards as if to push said tears as far back as she could, the tension thick in her shoulders as her arms uncross and fall into her lap. “so that’s it, then? because you’re ‘not in the mood’ you don’t even want to talk to me?” it’s laughable to see all her sincerity thrown in her face. 

“and if it’s not?” she starts, her timbre falls in comparison to the snipped tone it had taken when she had first chanced upon him. the tremble in her fingers only stop when she gathers them into tiny fists, turning to him. “you know what my birthday means to me.” or — in this exact case, didn’t mean until he put meaning into it. her frown hurts, she can feel it break into her jaw as teeth clench down, as if pleading her to shut the fuck up. 

there are people on one hand that can get a reaction out of him and it's (un)fortunate that lili is one of them. if the lines of his eyes and mouth are sharper, only for her, they are right now because girl's got a prerogative, without rhyme or reason.

"you're putting words in my mouth. you're possibly.... dare i say...." the corner of his mouth threatens to move upwards, "projecting."

how did they get here to this point again? jisoo does miss when they weren't two flipside of a coin and in harmony. it seems years ago now, but apparently nobody's counting.

but if neither one of them cared, certainly they wouldn't be standing here right now. stubbornness was going to be the death of them both, and he leans down and closer to give her a curious look. he's tempted, both sides of the scale teeter and the man doesn't know whether to throw her a bone or not. but hey. he's hurt too. she doesn't have the right to push it back all on him.

"i'm not really in the mood to play guess who and what if's. is this truly about missing both our birthdays?" jisoo draws a harsh breath in, forcing his mind to clear to resist the many quips that are on the tip of his tongue.

it’s like they said —

misery loves company.

and lili was no exception to the rule — especially when it came to jisoo. 

did she have the right? no. 

was she being perhaps a tad bit too possessive of a boy who obviously didn’t give two shits about her and her precious, precious birthday? yes, possibly, astonishingly, devastatingly — she was and she was not proud of it.

sitting here, more than a little miffed that he was appearing aloof — and not the least bit remorseful ( or concerned like what the fuck! ) to what had so obviously pained her, she frowns, even harder — fuck, was she going to regret the wrinkles such an action caused later — and turns her gaze away from him.  

she relays in her most poised tone — the one she used whenever she was on the phone with her grandmother and raised voices were not suitable for a pretty, pretty lady or so her grandmother liked to say — despite the frown:

“it’s not fair.” she answers him, pointed gaze turning harder — almost glassy in her distress. “you don't even care. what if i was dead in a ditch?" 

remorse is thrown out the window as she taps a finger against her arm, annoyed at the outcome. here she had come to apologize and he was throwing that in her face.

surprise, lili sits down by him. time was bound to lead them to this, since it was either them being opposite ends of a magnet, parallel lines yet never colliding for the next forever period of time, or that they'd eventually collapse and meet again. he didn't know when, or if it would happen again, but again, surprise- of course lili would be the one to approach him. ( maybe he's too good at this whole ' being alone ' thing, which is not a good thing... )

stubbornness doesn't really reward anyone, especially where there's a void of a close friendship that somehow falls apart. immaturity would do that to any pair. her comment makes him overthink, because during their birthdays, he did overthink. to say something or not to say something. but after radio silence on his own birthday,

"i mean-" wait, why is she turning it onto him? jisoo supposes lili always has a way with words. his eyes narrow back at her, "and what about a few days ago? i figured it wasn't going to happen when i didn't hear anything either." at least there's no filler smalltalk ( his ultimate pet peeve ), and they're straight into the thick of it. "that's only fair... right?"

truth or dare, will we be alright? — @lgcjisoo, january '24.

she sits beside him in a huff, arms and legs crossed as her gaze remains directed away from his own. a part of her wonders why her feet had even brought her so far just to do this — why was she wasting her time?

he was obviously done with her, he didn’t even wish her happy birthday ( despite saying she didn’t care all these years of birthdays spent together in lieu of actual familial love, at least she had him but now — did she even have that )

but another part of her is already at a loss — ready to wave the white flag because a part of her was lonely without him — fuck,

her leg shakes up and down impatiently before finally whipping her head around to look at him, “so what — just because we’re not talking you’re not going to say happy birthday to me?” she sniffs, knowing she was the one in the wrong in the first place — but maybe this could show she was trying to show remorse.