I’m giggling a bit reading these
Zeus: she trained her peacock to attack people who annoy her on command — it’s often me. i’m people
Hera: his lockscreen is a picture of him and his brothers aka not a picture of me
Poseidon: she cries when she sees the fish in petsmart
Amphitrite: he yells “tsunami!” and knocks me over with water when we bathe together
Hades: she texts her mom right after sex
Persephone: he tells his dad jokes to me instead of our kids
Dionysus: she falls asleep before I do. (who am I supposed to talk to then??)
Ariadne: he sobs on my lap about how much he loves me when he’s drunk — which is sweet, but not for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT-
Hephaestus: she insists on plucking my eyebrows every four days
Aphrodite: oh he’s more like a 4, but he’s sweet and makes me stuff and gives good back rubs and - oh wait, you mean Ares? Yeah he’s a 10
Ares: she gnaws on my arm when she’s bored. he likes to say “rise and shine” like Kylie Jenner at 5 a.m.
Apollo: he believes violence is always the answer
Artemis: she tells me the most boring facts about the most boring things and I have to pretend to be interested
Athena: she wants to pick fights with people three times her size
Hecate: she doesn’t like Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Demeter: she forgets to water the plants in our house