3 dec 2024
I can’t watch sad movies- or any movies with pain
I have to look up the plot to every movie before I watch it because I hate being surprised by the ending and I can’t handle the suspense
And maybe that’s why I hate life: There’s no IMDB, no plot synopsis to check. The ending is unknowable.
Anyways,
oh wow i’m in love with asa butterfeild and his BLUE ass eyes
14 sept 2024
The boys at school have starting wearing jumpers again. I should be chained up and only released when they’re in short sleeve shirts again. Send troops to contain this teenaged girl gnawing at a mid boy because he’s got a jumper on.
Anyways,
29 Jul 2024
I keep going to different places and sleeping in new houses and for once I think I’m homesick and I just want a home. Not necessarily my home but somewhere to go back to after it all.
Anyways,
9 jun 2024
Recently I’ve had the strange sensation of being a bug trapped in a jar. Like I’m a little cricket that a kid caught and is keeping in an old jar with holes poked in tinfoil covering the top. Strange sensation indeed…
Anyways,
7 may 2024
There’s a green line down the left hand side of my phone. Annoying but it’s the price I pay for YouTube showers. This is girlhood
Anyways,
21 mar 2024
Ive coined a new term,
Bathroom morning hope, when I walk into the bathroom in the morning and the sun always shines brighter in there and it’s bright and big and beautiful and I have a small seed of hope that today won’t be like all of those other days and we’ll be happy and calm and I think I’ll be ok for those few minutes in bathroom morning hope.
anyways,
10 mar 2024
WILL SOMEONE TRACE ALONG MY JAW ACROSS MY LIPS UP MY NOSE AND AROUND MY EYE WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TRACE FROM MY EAR ALONG MY COLLARBONE TO THE DIP BETWEEN THEM AND FEEL MY HEART BEAT LIKE THEY NEED TO COMMIT IT TO MEMORY LIKE THEYRE BEING TESTED ON THE BPM OF MY HEART AND THE TEXTURE OF MY SKIN LIKE THEY NEED TO SCULPT ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT AND OUTSIDE IN AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Anyways,
23 feb 2024
I am so unathletic (it upsets me a lot don’t worry) but I’m very poetic and I like to think it makes up for it
No I cannot do a flip into the water but I CAN wax poetic about how the light from the sunset hits the surface and maybe that’s better 🤷♀️
(No this isn’t because I saw a video of someone flipping into a lake and or couldn’t lift suitcases whatever are you talking about)
Anyways,
19th feb 2024
(the prompt was write a story beginning with "this was going to be a terrible day, one of those days when its best to just stay in bed because everything is going to turn out bad")
this was going to be a terrible day, one of those days when its best to just stay in bed because everything is going to turn out bad.
what a horrible thought to have so early in the morning, this could end up being a great day, i scold myself from inside my own head, yes definately, like yesterday or the day before that, sarcasm leaking from the voice in my head to reprimand yet another voice in my head.
'list the requirements for a bad day.' an old therapy exersize that, for some reason, stuck.
gloomy weather? no, sweet blue skies, candyfloss clouds, warm sun falling through the leaves high above. loud or unnerving surroundings? even less so, light green water laps the bank of a jarringly serene lake flowers waft around the waters edge bowing to meet the surface. around bad people? technically, i am around nobody, calm, alone, peaceful, seemingly, my own inner monolouge is proving to be todays biggest enemy.
today actually has the trappings of a great day, which means it is one of these days. worse than one of the gloomy grey days or days full of work, today is one of the days where i feel so, so bad for being so miserable, for wishing for a storm so i am forced inside and i have to rot in my own misery. slowly i stand up, walking toward the waters edge. the top layer of water is warm after being in the sun for so long, the lower layers are cool and dark. i push myself down.
light filters through a meter or so of water, lake plants grow only a few more meters down. here it is calm, and serene and peaceful. i find myself hating it all over again. floating upwards, i try to count all the reasons i have to be happy. all outweighed by the fact that i am miserable.
my body floats on the surface of the water, my mind is disjointed, forcing me back into a memory where i do not float alone, where next to melays a girl with a smile like sunshine and a laugh like alchohol, she is intoxicating.
"mandy."
she drags out the last letter, i hear it like she is there, all over again i dive deep under water praying the pressure crushes me or the water to fill my lungs. it is so very dark again.
"she would want you to be happy now."
would she?
"she loved you."
did she?
the voices come from all around and i want to inhale and drown them out, everyone telling me to be happy for her because she cannot. she would be better at this, at the moving on part, i am so good at the greiveing, the loss, the wallowing. i exhale and push back up
"no."
her voice plays in my head, an old memory from when i told her i couldnt live without her. so i will breathe fresh, hot, summer air, even if just to spite the girl, because i have to keep her memory and love alive. today is terrible without her and so will the rest of them be, but i will live them, because she told me to and it is rude to disrespect the dead.
my body floats atop the water again.
today was just a little less terrible.
anyways,
17th feb 2024
me when clean fresh washed still wet but not dripping hair
anyways,
12 feb 2024
mummy polishes the floor using surface polish. its really slippery and i fall down alot, currently i have bruises on both my legs. when i ask her to stop so i dont get hurt she yells and gets angry.
quite literally her need for perfection will kill us all. (figuratively and literally)
anyways,
27th jan 2024
my dad got me a cactus with purple flowers because purple is my favourite colour, the flowers were fake and hot glued onto the very real very alive cactus.i pulled them off to get the hot glue off of the cactus and showed him how horrible it is that they hot glued flowers onto an alive plant, he says he got it because i like purple and now ive ripped the purple off. its some pained metaphor but its sweet how he tries
anyways,
10th Jan 2024
When you get the seeds out of a pomegranate you should put the whole thing underwater so when you accidentally burst a seed and the juice gets out it disperses into the water and doesn’t stain your hands (unrelated but it looks very shark movie when you do burst a seed underwater) but theres something so sad about it, here i am, tearing you apart, taking your seeds and leaving you without your innards yet your blood is an inconvenience to me, nothing more. you try and leave your mark and all i do is wash you away like it was nothing and your last screams and shouts to stain and claim me, your murderer, are left in reddish water that goes down the drain. seemed kinda poetic.
anyways,
3rd jan 2024
last day of holidays, im dreading school but its a cool sunny day with light winter rain like i can see spring on the other side of it, i wish i had longer to rest and love the world
anyways