I’m Ok I Promise - Blog Posts

Not anyone I feel worthy of being loved by that’s for sure

"I identify as the love of your life, my pronouns are 'who's/she?'"

If any of those hate anons and death threats came from the snapedom, let me go out and apologize on their behalf. That is not what the rest of the snapedom is like. You have been very respectful and genuine in your discussions and criticisms on Snape. So I appreciate the sincerity. I hope you’re okay, mentally and emotionally despite receiving those asks.

Hey Anon, they did come from the Snapedom. But you don't have to apologize. I'm well aware that not everyone who stans Snape is like that, as I've come to realize by actually interacting with some of you (admittedly, there was a time where I was told that you guys were the "bad ones", but was proven very wrong once I went ahead to get to know you guys, which I'm glad I did - even if there's a lot that I don't personally agree with).

I do recognize that I came off aggressive, and so, I'm partly to blame for that. I will do better next time, and think things through next time when opening debates between our fandoms.

Thank you for the message, though. I'm okay, I was a little shaken at first but it's passed.

Hewoo! 👋🏼

I hope you had the most fantastic Christmas this year because I know I did after reading your adorable little one shot about toddler Leo. Most wholesome 🤌🏼✨

And I was wondering if you had any additional thoughts or possible headcannons to add about if Y/N happened to turn into a toddler for a day and how the turtles react? 👀👀👀

No worries if you don’t, just thought I’d ask cuz you got me thinking! Thank you again!

This is super rough, but I think it needs to be. There was a lot more that was supposed to happen, but when I got to the nitty gritty of it, some of it just got taken out. I hope this is to your liking, anon.

Rated M, Rise Leo, post Krang invasion WARNING: Panic Attacks, mention of mental and emotional abuse

When Leon hears the shout, he's already rushing down the corridor. By the time he hears his name, the lab door is opening, and he's making his way to the back. But no matter how fast he runs, no matter how quickly he tries, there is no making it in time. There is no help or fix because when he gets there, he can only notice his brother unsure of how to approach the child on the floor of his chemistry lab. He can only watch and half-hear Donnie swear to oblivion as he tries to figure out how they got here… and what to do.

"I thought you agreed not to store anything this volatile near the sink?"

"Gasp! You had to drink it for it to have any effect!"

"Her skin isn't as tough as ours!"

"I wasn't aware that the keratin levels would change things this greatly!"

Only to realize by the whimper he hears next that he fucked up.

It's so small. It's so goddamn tiny. He knows you to be soft-spoken at best, quiet at worst, but he — he can't have this argument with his brother, not now.

He carefully, deliberately approaches the bundle of clothes you're in. He watches you shift within, trying to hide in plain sight as he asks Donnie to get you some clothes.

"Estrella? Mi…" he starts only to trail off, realizing he can't, that it's inappropriate.

You're a child. You're a kid. You might be the love of his life, but you're no longer…

"Sweetheart?" he tries, hoping that you come out.

You don't. If anything, you flatten to the ground, almost disappearing in that pretty dress of yours. He can only watch you curl into a ball and flinch as he moves your shoes aside to sit in front of the mess. He hopes to coax you with the gentle, kind tone he knows you usually respond to, if only with a little hesitance, but his heart breaks when you whine and back away from his hand. And he's not sure how to deal with the way his brothers stampede in to help, and only Mikey, Mikey gets a positive response.

-xxx-

Donnie promises a fix and locks himself in his lab. He watches his older brother try to interact with you only to realize that it's taking everything out of you to stay put and not cry. And he has to watch you being held by his baby brother, who keeps telling you story after story.

According to what his genius twin figured out, you should be around four or five. You should be able to talk, hold a conversation. It's why Mikey keeps talking to you, keeps telling you stories. He's trying to get a reaction, something out of you. You're not giving him anything back, though. You might as well be mute. And it worries Leo. It scares him. It makes him wonder if you lied about your time with your aunt or if he severely underestimated the damage that was left behind.

He wants to say neither. He's scared it's both, certainly when he can look up from his phone and find your gaze straight on him.

That's another thing. You have not stopped staring. He's not allowed to touch you or be alone with you, but you refuse to let him out of your sight. Each time he tries to leave, you fuss. Hell, one of your most recent attempts led to you nearly hurting yourself since you'd tried to leave the counter, forcing him into action and getting the beginnings of an answer he wishes he didn't have.

Your eyes filled with tears. You looked at him in fear, absolute panic, before you struggled, and he let you go. Leo attempted to make his exit then, seeing that you weren't going to be running around for who knows how long in their ratty old clothes. However, the second he moved, you held on. You clung to his legs and hid your face in his jeans. That was when he knew he couldn't leave you, even if it somehow hurt you.

He hates it. If there's one thing he's been priding himself on, it's the fact that he's been your shield, your shell throughout the entire time he's been with you. He strives to keep you safe, keep you secure in their dangerous world. And yet now… he's become the biggest source of pain, of anguish, and he doesn't know why.

If only you would talk. If only you would say something. He would stop hurting you, eliminate whatever it is of him that hurts you. But removing himself gets you upset, touching you makes you cry, and you won't talk.

Maybe he's blowing this out of proportion. Maybe he's seeing things that don't exist. Maybe he just needs to concentrate on what must happen and leave everything behind.

-xxx-

Leon enlists Casey's help to take you to the store since Mikey can't come along to buy you clothes. He's grateful for the young man's arrival, even if it pains him to watch you hold the latter's hand instead of his own. And he can't help the smile as you all walk in, and curiosity immediately lights your eyes.

He knows this. He recognizes this. He might even say that he'd hoped for this. He remembers your face as you looked through his things, and he's glad to find it well and alive in you, even if you're still behaving extremely well. It even tempts him to speak in hopes that he gets an answer.

"See something you like?"

However, when all he gets is hesitation, he immediately remembers what exactly happened and what might just happen now. Worry sprouts at the forefront of his mind as you refuse to move and even cling to Casey, although you let him go the second he starts agreeing with Leo. And it blooms to annoyance, almost anger when no amount of coaxing, no amount of gentleness gets you to grab anything to wear for yourself.

Is this how they treated you? Did you not get to choose, or were your choices criticized before they were ripped out from under you, and you were told it wasn't okay? Are you doubting your own choices because of it, or letting them choose? Does it matter? Do you even — NO. No. He can't just… but how? How can he make this better? He's not an expert when it comes to children. He doesn't understand any of this.

But he can try, can't he?

He looks at a distressed, unsure Casey, who seems ready to rush into the aisles just to get something. He watches you, stiff and near tears, probably just as frustrated as he is.

"Hey," he voices and sees you turn to him. "Are we doing something wrong?"

And he can't help but smile as you vigorously shake your head, the water in your eyes fading with a few blinks. You might take a step back as he sets a knee down in front of you, but he still smiles, hoping that this… is the start of something.

"Well, in that case, I want you to know that we're letting you choose because we don't know how long this is gonna last, and we don't want you running around in just those clothes, certainly when they might cause you trouble. So… can you help us find clothes for you? Stuff you either need or want to wear?"

It feels like it is when you hesitantly reach for his open hand only to change your mind and head for Casey's the second your fingertips brush his palm. It almost feels like a win when you start bringing them into the aisles, not quite heading for the clothes but heading for something far more important as you point to two bags he picks up only to smile at the content as you look for another bag. Underwear. He puts them in the cart before welcoming the socks with a chuckle and moving on to shoes.

The step back you take worries him a little, but Leo can only breathe as Casey takes over. Since he's closer, he can see you hesitate over the ones that tempt you, and he gets you to try them on. The little scowl when they feel uncomfortable makes Leon snort, but nothing equals the moment when you find your shoes. While there's no real smile on your face, the way you tap along the floor and even spare him a glance tells him everything he needs to know. The little pair ends up in the cart before you all move back to the clothes.

This time, even though you still hesitate, when Casey pulls you into the racks, you follow and you look. Your gaze is everywhere, and your hands touch everything. Case even tries a few times to give you options he thinks you might like, and while Leo worries when you look at the price tag, the thing that makes him realize that this might not be about the price is when you touch the fabric and your face scrunches. You're definitely looking for something specific, and nothing tells him that more than when you stop.

You hesitate before pulling it off the rack. He holds his breath as he watches you trying to decide whether to approach him or not. You eventually do as he swallows, eyes darting around. It's not the most expensive thing, but it's not the cheapest. The garment, the dress, is adorable and reminds him of the clothes you made for yourself. There's… just one problem.

It's white. That white won't last long in the Lair. However, as he's looking around and asking questions, he's realizing there's nothing else like it in the store. There's a reason why you zeroed in on this dress, and he doesn't have it in him to tell you no, not with the courage it took you to even look.

However…

"Considering how long white would last in the Lair, you against modifying it so it lasts longer?"

He blinks and immediately brings up a hand when you jump before giving a small glare at Casey, who looks sufficiently cowed but still insists, earning him a look he's almost too familiar with.

"Grab a few more and then lead the way," is the only reasonable answer and he knows it, just like he knows he'll never forget that smile.

-xxx-

Your laughter is an explosion. It brings a smile to Leo's face and a chuckle to his throat. Your squeals make him lightheaded and joyful, certainly when it's accompanied by both his youngest and oldest brothers' laughter as your face gets streaks of paint on it. After watching you reconcile and try with Raph with a piece of ribbon you've put around one of his teddy bears' neck, it's been nothing short of amazing. It's to the point that Leo has caught himself multiple times with his phone out, recording the moments and wondering what you'd think, if you'd enjoy looking back on this as much as he would.

Because this is the most lively he ever remembers you being. Through all the tickle and pillow fights, he doesn't remember you squealing or your voice carrying so far, even his softshell brother can only wander down in wonder. This is you in your purest form. With the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

He expects you to crash. You don't. Instead, he gets to watch you dawdle around as dread seemingly sinks into you, and he's reminded of something… highly uncomfortable when your eyes meet and you stop for a moment, gaze almost pleading.

This is not a single fight. This is a war. And the next tide… is tonight.

It takes a moment, but he manages to wrestle you away from his youngest brother. He then has to wrestle with you so that you can have the bed while he settles into a recliner you usually use when you're having a migraine and need to relax. And, when he notices you stay awake for longer than you should, he suggests a tale. One he weaves himself with memories and a bit of imagination until you fall asleep when you nod and your eyes slowly drift close.

One more wave broken before it batters your shore. He hopes he has the energy in him to keep it up.

-xxx-

The dresses that await you in the morning immediately cheer you up. Your enthusiasm as you put on the one you all tie-dyed makes him chuckle as you rush upstairs to show it off to Mikey, who coos and makes you twirl a few times to show it off. And he can't help the half-smile as you insist on helping with breakfast, even if the best you can do is get everyone their drink of choice.

… You're cute. Your smile is the most adorable thing he's ever seen. He wonders if you were ever told, if you were ever –

His eyes widen as you trip. He sees your own do the same before you hit the floor with a crash. He tries not to flinch when the carafe that was once in your hands shatters. But he can only watch you pale and your eyes mist over before you look at both of them in expectation… and terror.

… No…

He moves. One second, he's seated at the island, the next, he's holding you against his chest. He feels you struggle, beat your tiny fists against the hard keratin, but all he can do is look at Mikey who only nods before he leaves with you in his arms. He can only hold you close as he zips his way to the med bay to check for any injuries. And he can only walk his way back to his room when he finds nothing, and your reaction starts changing.

Quiet little sounds climb and climb until it's all he can hear. Tiny fists that beat on his plastron now cling to the robe he puts on all while holding you close. And it's hard not to notice, not feel the damp spot that immediately forms as you sob, near wail through years, nearly a decade of pain that you struggled with.

Now, he gets it. Now, he understands. He wishes he didn't, but he does.

"Leo?"

He lifts his head. He can barely see his oldest brother through the mess that is his vision, but he tries as the latter approaches. And he can only chirp gratefully as he's lifted from the bed into Raph's arms while he tightly holds onto you, trying to soothe you as best he can. He doesn't need to see where he's going, his brother has that covered, he just — he just…

The settling in the TV room feels all too soon and all too late as you hiccup in his arms. He only shifts towards his brother, though, while the latter calls for the rest of the family. Just like he can only breathe when you slowly settle into uneasy sleep and he thanks his brothers for helping.

The tsunami might have hit, but they're not letting you get taken by the wave.

-xxx-

It's not a simple wave. It's a storm. It's a hurricane of incredible proportions that shakes you to the core. And he hates it. He hates it. Not because he wants to stop it, but because it's there in the first place.

From the day Leo first met you, his biggest fear has been ruining you. That he would somehow, some way, destroy the light that he could see within you just by being himself. That fear nearly ate him alive as he concentrated on a light he thought he could only admire, never understand.

Yet now, he does, and he realizes something that makes him bleed.

He could never ruin you.

… No, he could. He could hurt you beyond repair. They all could. The fact that this was caused by your own family is proof that anyone could take what you'd built and destroy it. But he couldn't get himself to. He would never go that far. No one in his family would. Because to snuff out the light… was to destroy the one who gave birth to it.

And he loves you too much to even think he could do that. He loves you so much that he soothes you every night with a story. That he keeps close and, the second you ask for him, he's there, holding you tight and letting you cry. That, by the end of the week and Donnie finally finds a remedy for you, he knows exactly what to do.

He smiles as you come out. He lets you distract yourself with work and conversation that you smile during with that ever soft, recognizable smile. He lets you help, be the tool you think you are. It's only at nightfall, after patrol and telling his brothers what might just happen, that he acts, and it starts with him finding you in their bed and joining you in a way he knows is going to get a response as long as you're awake.

"I'm sorry, Leon. Not tonight."

"I know."

Because he needs you to be for the next step.

"Then what –?"

"You're safe."

He schools his mouth as he feels you freeze.

"… Wha –?"

"You're safe here."

He keeps you in place as you try to shift.

"Leo, what –?"

"You're safe."

"Leo –"

"You're safe with me. With us. We'll always keep you safe. Your future is in my hands, and I'll make sure it's as bright as I can manage. And if your past tries to find you, I will personally take care of it. So you're safe. You're so incredibly safe. I've got you, mi estrella hermosa. Te tengo, amor de mi vida."

"Leo… Leo, don't…"

And something finally, finally clicks into place as he smiles at your trembling tone, delivering the same answer you still barrage him with.

"No."

He lets you shift. He welcomes your face burying itself in the hard keratin of his chest and the quiet sobs. He even welcomes his own tears and his oldest brother lifting both of you out of bed and into the TV Room for a pile up, having waited for his cue.

Because Leo gets it. He finally gets it. And while he can't erase the past, he can make sure it never happens again.

You are his friend. You are his love. You are his mate. You are family. And you will never be alone ever again.

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